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Rita Skeeter

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Rita Skeeter

Dark Lord defeated: a new era begins

 

On the 26th of December, as most of us slept off bloated bellies, tiny groups of men and women across the country, wands in hand, were sneaked into the grounds of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The Ministry of Magic is delighted to report that after a reign lasting almost since the very defeat of Lord Voldemort, the 'new' Dark Lord has at last met his death.

 

It is true - peace has come at last, though ministry representatives, including recently appointed Minister of Magic, Abelard Clagge, warn that despite his death, we must not be too ready to drop our guards entirely. "After all," says Clagge, "While deatheaters and darkness yet exist, there is even still a threat. We cannot know for certain when a Dark Lord will next arise."

 

And indeed, the deatheaters do still exist. Official reports state that grave injuries were sustained on both sides, and deaths were plentiful (though exact figures, due to the nature of said deaths, are uncertain at this time) - despite the certain grievous battle, some deatheaters did escape. Some are said to have apparated away once the trap was apparent - others snatching the opportunity to apparate, even stagger away, towards the end - wounds and all.

 

The Trap

 

So the deatheaters were trapped. While this reporter cannot help but entertain some qualms about the 'dirtiness' of such foul play, she is sure the wizarding world can only join her in rejoicing that our ministry has freed us.

 

But just how did this 'magnificent' trap occur?

 

"Once again," says ministry auror, Zacharias Smith, "We have Harry Potter to thank. Good old Potter."

 

Harry Potter, our hero. The boy-who-lived, the youth-who-defeated-L.V., and latterday hermit, living out his life in quiet seclusion from the rest of the world. Once again, he is to be found at the centre of the war of darkness. Once again, he has saved the world. Smith is, however, only too quick to point out that the real heroes of this particular battle are his fellow ministry aurors, such as Derek Trimble, who has sustained severe injuries, the dazzling Portia Sinclair, Leon Toothill (the ministry's previously only crippled auror), spicy Keeley Quinn, and Daniel Merrick (sure to become the heartthrob of many a teenage girl in the near future). Of course, we must include him in this magnificent group - for it was this group, the pride of the ministry, who were at the centre of the raging battle. "Potter was only bait," Smith says, pride evident on his face.

 

Harry Potter as bait? It seems Arthur Weasley, headmaster of the school, announced to members amongst the staff that Potter would be arriving shortly as a special motivational treat to those NEWT level students studying for the Defence Against the Dark Arts examination. He would arrive over the Christmas holidays, but wished to settle in undisturbed before the start of the new year.

 

Banding together, the headmaster and the school governor, the popular and respected Lucius Malfoy, quietly, but forcefully, evacuated the students, requesting them to return home to their families, their loved ones, and in short, to "bugger off".

 

Harry Potter arrived, as might have been expected, to a trap set by the deatheaters - who somehow seem to almost have a knack for finding out about these things. But our marvellous ministry were a step ahead - the aurors, and other specialised groups of witches and wizards were waiting. Unfortunately, the Prophet has no coverage of the event, but can assure the public that it was "one hell of a battle".

 

The Aftermath

 

Sadly, no matter how much effort the staff went to, to protect the students - the school is even so affected. The primary phase of the battle took place upon the Quidditch pitch, just outside of the 'forbidden' (but really, whoever obeyed that rule?) forest. Said pitch is entirely demolished. Bright banners of red, yellow, blue and green, are now mere threads on the ground. Mountains of stands are reduced to dust. Even the giant golden hoops are gone.

 

Those few deaths resulting in actual corpses, have naturally, been removed by the ministry. But no amount of legislation or organisation can bring back a pitch hundreds of years in the making. It will be a long time before Hogwarts sees its favourite sport again.

 

Maybe the students can take up gobstones?

 

So what happens now?

 

"No doubt," says Arthur Weasley, "the Ministry is already putting in motion its own form of witchhunt, for those deatheaters who still live."

 

"We will continue to educate the students of Hogwarts," says Derek Trimble, professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts, in addition to one of the ministry's prized aurors, and son of famed combat academic, Quentin Trimble, "Classes will be in session."

 

Unfortunately, the school's governor, Lucius Malfoy, is unavailable for comment. He is missing, presumed dead.

Clagge's Budget Changes: Clubs get the chop

 

Abelard Clagge, sworn in last month as Minister of Magic, will today announce the new budget. A new year, a new era, and a new economic state. Formerly of the International Magical Trading Standards Body, Clagge is in an ideal position to turn around the stagnant economy. He found a minute to tell the Daily Prophet of the changes.

 

"Wars do cost money," he says. "There have been so many extra expenses that we are finding it somewhat difficult ... we do what we can." He cites those mercantile properties that have been destroyed, in addition to the nervosity felt by so many across the country, but is confident that if we all "tighten our robes," we will come out alright.

 

To that end, the students of Hogwarts must see their beloved extracurricular activities diminish, as long time Minister of Student Activities, Edgar Eclipse, is officially made redundant, and clubs are removed from the school's offerings.

 

"I enjoyed my time at Hogwarts," says Eclipse, his eyes deliciously grieved. "My primary regret is that I won't be there to say goodbye."

 

In the wake of the recent battle, Quidditch is also removed from the school curriculum. (Refer to our main article for details).

 

The duelling club, controlled by a different Ministry division, in addition to certain members of Hogwarts staff, will not be affected by Eclipse's dismissal, though other matters mean its return to glory may be slow.

 

As Clagge and his helpers continue to look over the budget, more may continue to change. In the meantime, the community is asked to be "hesitantly optimistic".

 

Don't worry, concerned citizens. The Daily Prophet will there for you. We will keep you posted.

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Rita Skeeter

Minister's Nephew Goes Missing

 

Dunderly Clagge, nephew of Abelard Clagge, Minister of Magic, has been reported missing, his location untraceable as of May 15th. The official report, released today, states that Dunderly was holidaying in Wales, failing to return to his family on the 17th, as intended.

 

The Minister refused to comment, but Mavis Clagge, his sister-in-law, told the Prophet that her son was a lovely young man, and intensely reliable. "I'm so worried," she weeps, tearing her handkerchief in two. "Dunderly has never been late before - he must be missing his mumsy so!"

 

Put forward have been a number of theories as to the location of young Dunderly, the most frequent being that he is off being a scoundrel and a rapscallion, but also suggested has been the possibility that the Dark Lord is back, and is masterminding a scheme to overthrow Abelard Clagge.

 

"Nonsense," says the Ministry.

Podpeople are not to be trusted

 

Various reports have come in that a renegade group has set itself up on the WWN (Worldwide Wizarding Network), broadcasting derogatory reports about the Ministry of Magic and the traumas faced by our world. This group calls themselves the Podpeople, and they are not to be trusted.

 

"I love the Podpeople," says Claudette Bagelle, an annoying nineteen year old girl who the Prophet spoke to on Diagon Alley. "They play the coollest music, and I just love that one guy ... what was his name? Bovine?"

 

For all that their popularity is increasing, the Prophet is officially warning the public not to trust 'the Podpeople'. "They have shown a distressing desire to undermine the respectability of more mainstream media," comments Rita Skeeter, experienced and beautiful longtime journalist of the Prophet. "It is hoped they will quietly fade out of existence, before they cause any serious damage.

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