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Alayna Weasley

Sometimes I Say Things I Might Regret

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Alayna Weasley

Watching Fluke retreat to the staircases was one of the most difficult things she’d ever had to endure. It felt like a band was being pulled away from her, stretching further and further until the strain became too much and it snapped, rebound backwards and smacked her right in the chest. And it didn’t take long after that for Alayna to completely lose control of her emotions. What started out as a small trickle of tears turned into an ocean and then the sobbing started and she had to get out of there before someone else came and saw her. So, the girl shuffled quickly out of hall and into the corridor, her head ducked downwards so as to avoid any unnecessary contact with others nearby.

 

She just needed to get away; someplace where she could be alone and get over the stupid, selfish feelings plaguing her. No place in the castle was quite good enough for such a thing. She knew that anywhere, any room could easily be gotten into and then someone would want to ask questions, so instead of even bothering with trying to find an unoccupied space Alayna instead went straight outside. She trudged across the lawns and down to the lakefront, where the Durmstrang ship could be seen docked in the distance.

 

And then she just stood there at the shore, looking off across the water to nothing in particular as the chilly wind blew across her face and started to dry the tears that’d come to rest there.  She hadn’t a clue what she would do- could do when she had to go back inside. She knew she couldn’t possibly pretend to be happy; she’d never been a good liar and the misery she felt was mirrored clearly in the redness of her eyes. But she really, really didn’t want to talk about anything with anyone right now.

 

She just wanted to be alone. To sort through this alone. Everything else could be handled tomorrow.

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Mason Fluke

This is not happening!

 

The urge to just scream those words was overwhelming, as though straining his voice and channeling all his aggression into it would make a lick of difference. Words were supposed to be the tool of a standard Ravenclaw, but this one was learning that it wasn’t always the case. His words had worked against him. He had said things in ways he didn’t quite mean, and now he had just lost the most important thing in his life. She was the lighthouse, and he the boat lost at sea.

 

What happened when that light went out? How far from shore would he end up travelling? How long would it take for the sharks to start circling him? And there would be plenty of sharks.

 

She wasn’t in the entrance hall. In the matter of moments it took for him to get from there to the grand staircase, Alayna had disappeared, taking with her his opportunity to make things right again, to try and take back those words that she could only hold onto now, and feel their sting every time she replayed them in her mind, over and over like some broken record. Hmm, Alayna probably didn’t know what a record was, and Fluke had no idea why that was the thought that entered his mind.

 

Where could she be? He wasn’t going to let this lie. They couldn’t. “Where are you,” he whispered to himself, looking around at all the possible directions she could have gone. Privacy; sure, she’d want some of that, but he doubted she’d find it completely in the Prefect’s bathroom. Did Tri-Wizard champions have access to that bathroom? If not, they should.

 

There was no way in hell she’d go back to her common room, either. Putting on a facade wasn’t exactly her strong suit, and even as that thought came to him, he realized what an arse he had been. Well, he knew where she’d go now. There were only so many options now, and he followed what he suspected to be her trail towards the lakefront. His own eyes were tired and red now, and when he saw her standing there, his broken heart had further shattered into pieces.

 

For a moment, he hesitated. Should he stay? Should he go? Did she want to be with him? Did she not want to be with him? She had never given him any real reason to suspect that she didn’t want him in her life. Her busy schedule didn’t equal that at all, and she’d reminded him of that a couple times. This was the shadow. The one he had to step out of.

 

Fluke was taking his life into his hands when he stepped up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. He felt her startle, and he cooed her to relax. “It’s just me,” he whispered into her ear. “I’m the one who is sorry. You didn’t do anything. This is all on me. I feel like… four years of crappy grades and failed exams are all adding up to you one day realizing that… I am not worthy of being on your arm, because let’s face it, I’m on your arm. Not the other way around. You wouldn’t be the first one to think I am a disappointment.”


He squeezed her tighter. “I don’t want to lose you. I did this for you; so you’d be proud.”

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Alayna Weasley

A numb sort of state slowly fell over Alayna as the seconds ticked by. It was fairly quiet from where she was, and that allowed her to slip easily into her thoughts and try to accept… well, everything. There was a very large hole in her heart, freshly ripped open as she moved to separate herself further from her friend of five years. And it hurt- hurt more than she imagined anything ever could, but… she had to think that she’d done the right thing. She was a nuisance, stupid, and danger to anyone she dared to get close to. She’d hurt Ethan and now she’d hurt Fluke and it was only a matter of time before she hurt someone else- even if unintentionally. It would be better for all of them if she could disappear completely, but this was the next best thing.

 

She could distance herself… give them space. And then she’d not have to worry about placing a shadow over anyone and leave them free to grow and flourish into whatever they wanted to be. She just had to stay out of the way and she could do that. It was the least she could do… after being so selfish.

 

Because that’s what she’d been. Selfish. And no one could tell her any different.

 

The resolution managed to make her feel slightly better, but still she couldn’t make herself move from where she stood. Alayna’s gaze remained trained on the lake, seemingly focused but not really looking at anything. She lost herself there, allowed her thoughts to wander and drift through the trees and chirping birds. And then something wound around her waist and the cloud that’d settled over her dissipated into fear. Sucking in an involuntary breath, she took a step back only to bump into the form of whoever was there. And she almost called out to them- the words ‘please don’t’ at the very tip of her tongue, but when he went and whispered in her ear the fear instantly melted away.

 

And replaced itself with a wave of emotion so strong, she dissolved back into tears within seconds. “Fluke” Alayna croaked, spinning around to wrap her own arms around him and hold him close. A small voice in the back of her mind urged her she shouldn’t. She was breaking her resolve! Bringing the clouds back again! But she couldn’t for the life of her let him go. “That’s so… so stupid. Why… why are you… so… stupid?!

 

Maybe she was the one who was stupid. Or maybe they both were. It didn’t matter.

 

“I don’t want to lose you either. I… I love you.”

Edited by Alayna Weasley

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Mason Fluke

No one could say he wasn’t trying to make this right. No one would understand how much it took out of him to walk back towards her to try and mend these broken hearts, even if he wanted to stay infuriated. Fluke was hardly an angry person, on the surface, anyway. Despite everything he went through as a boy, he still managed to maintain a weak grip on his self-awareness. He had things to say, and he should have said them. He didn’t, and now everything was circling the drain.

 

The moment he touched her, and she realized it was him, she was crying again, and he was on the brink of sharing in those tears, too. She turned, and he wrapped her up in his arms so she could cry into the fabric of his Ravenclaw sweater-vest.

 

He let out a big sigh, counted to three in his head, before he could bring himself to speak to her again. His nerves were shot--a feeling he was going to have to get used to, it seemed, because this tournament might just very well kill him.

 

“It’s not stupid,” he said forcefully. “This is what I am feeling, Allie, and I am not… it is not stupid.” Normally, he would just agree with her, especially when he was still just an orphan that had no opinion. He’d been called stupid for nearly his entire life, and to hear it come from his girlfriend--well, he couldn’t hold onto her anymore. His arms let her go, and he took only a small step back so he could look at her, reach into his pocket and produce a hanky to dab at her cheeks.

 

The hanky was left in her possession, and he shoved his hands into his pockets, at a loss for what to do with himself. He was just a scared little boy now, and it was taking everything he had to just focus on this one thing, and leave the tournament off to the side for a moment. One problem at a time; that was all he could handle right now, and even then… he wasn’t handling it all that well.


“You say you love me,” he told her, “but am I supposed to feel it when you let me walk away? What am I supposed to do with that?”

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Alayna Weasley

She felt very vulnerable saying that word so publicly; like someone would suddenly turn up and lecture her for being some sort of mindless, star-struck school girl. But, for as much as she knew of what it meant and entailed, her statement was true. She hated to see him hurting and would do absolutely anything to prevent it and take the pain away, even if that meant hurting herself in turn. Her own feelings weren’t as important to her. She could get over them. She could manage… someway; for when it came right down to it, she really was just some shy, awkward, idiot who could barely get a sentence out half the time. She wasn’t important. Fluke, however, didn’t seem to quite understand that yet, as was evident by his response to her. Alayna could feel her body tense at his reply and before she knew it, they were apart again.

 

His step back threatened to break her- Way to go, Alayna! You did it again. Ruiner of everything!- but this time he didn’t walk completely away. Rather, he simply reached into his pocket to produce a hanky to dab at her cheeks. She looked down, embarrassed at herself, ashamed for being such an emotional wreck. “If anyone’s not worthy, it’s me” she mumbled under her breath. “I’m not smart. I’m not brave, not really. I’m a bloody disaster waiting to happen, if you haven’t noticed.” Taking the cloth from him, she turned it about in her fingers. She couldn’t imagine he was completely unaware of that; the entire seventh year class had their minds made up that she was some sort of… what? Closet flirt? And all because she’d been too panicked to try and get her cat back on her own and when it mattered most- couldn’t speak a single, comprehensible sentence. Rarely could she do anything without messing something up somehow.

 

And if her past wasn’t enough proof- what was happening how was yet another testament to it.

 

Alayna kept her eyes trained on her hands, nibbling anxiously away at her lower lip until Fluke spoke again. And then she really didn’t know what to say. The reason she’d let him go was so clear to her. She’d thought it’d make him happy. Perhaps not right away, but once the clouds lifted… maybe. At the very least he could then go and enjoy being champion without her being in the way and  find a girl who was better, prettier, more everything.

 

But, again, she wasn’t sure how to say it.

 

“I…” Alayna started after a moment, “I… I thought… I don’t know. I guess… I thought… you’ll be happier? Without me?” She really couldn’t make herself look at him now. She wanted to shrivel up into a ball. Shrivel up, get stepped on, turn into dust and disappear. “I never wanted you to feel overshadowed. You don’t deserve that. You’re smart, Fluke. Smarter than you think you are and strong and capable of so much. Obviously- you’re a champion. And I guess… I thought… if I let you go… problem solved?” 

 

“I don’t want to hurt you… so I let you go. So I wouldn’t.”

Edited by Alayna Weasley

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Mason Fluke

“No, no, no,” he said, shaking his head and protesting with every fiber of his being that she was as far as could be from a walking, talking disaster waiting to happen. “Not true. You have no idea, Alayna. No idea at all… how much I count on you. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have lasted that first year here."

 

There were times when he thought the exact same as her. How much happier would she be if he wasn’t there to anchor her down? Did she secretly want to venture into those closets (for whatever reason)? Was he preventing her from living her best life? The self conscious part of him said yes. He could hardly be the best thing in her life, and therefore, he should just let her move on.

 

But, he was selfish, and he did not want to let her go. He certainly didn’t want others to have a crack at her, either (I’m lookin at you, @Ryan Buratsche).

 

Fluke sighed, long and slow and tried to let his frustration ebb. When words seemed like something he could manage, he instead reached his hand out for her to take. “Come with me?” he asked, and when she finally placed her hand in his and those little sparks of electricity passed through the layers of their skin and shot right to their aching hearts, he guided her towards the log over yonder.

 

He considered conjuring a blanket, but thought better of it. Their emotions were explosive enough. They did not need a real flame to douse. He sat down and leaned back against the log. “It’s not just you,” he said to her after a moment. “It’s everybody. Everybody who had something in their life that I didn’t. From games, to bikes, to siblings even--it felt like everyone had all the things I didn’t. And you, with your family, and their joke shop, your broom and Bert, and Quidditch, and Prefect…” he rambled, and finally caught himself.

 

The rocks on the ground were suddenly very interesting, and he picked one up, turning it over in his fingertips with a small, but bashful smile. “And then we kissed. And we kissed again. And you calmed me when we were locked in the basement of your family’s joke shop.” That definitely hadn’t been his finest moment. “And then we finally started dating, and I felt like… I felt like I had something no one else had, and it’s mine. You were mine, and I don’t mean that to sound possessive, Allie. I swear. And every time I hear that bloody rumour about you…”

 

His insecurities just soar.

 

“I just didn’t want to lose you, because there will always be someone down the line, who will be better for you. I put my name in, because I didn’t know what else to do. I did it so you would be proud, and instead you got pissed at me and suggested we not be together.”

 

God, that still hurt, just repeating what happened not fifteen minutes ago. It felt like the knife in his heart was slowly being twisted.

 

“But, if you still need to walk away from me, then, I guess I’d understand.” She sure as hell wouldn’t be the first one to do it. “I just wanted to make sure you understood that I don’t hold those things against you. You earned the things in your life. And you deserve them.”

 

He just never understood why he didn’t deserve them, too.

Edited by Mason Fluke

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Alayna Weasley

It’d made sense in her head. She never imagined he’d get so upset. Quite the contrary, she’d thought she was releasing him. Giving him the chance to be happier, and follow down a path to a better life that he mightn’t ever have if they stayed together. So when Fluke started to protest, confusion reared its head. For the first time since things broke off between them, Alayna looked up to meet his eyes. “But… I did hurt you” she whispered. What’d happened in their first year was irrelevant now and if what he’d said to her not even fifteen minutes ago was true, removing the shadow she’d cast was the best thing she could do.  Wasn’t it?
 

She could only hold his gaze for a moment before having the look away again, and then Alayna returned to fiddling with the cloth in her hands. “That doesn’t make sense.” She didn’t really know what else to say, so said nothing. Another brief moment of silence passed between them where she felt like he must soon grow tired of her and walk off, but he didn’t. She noticed his hand reach out to her from the corner of her eye and looked up toward it inquisitively. Come with him…? Why would he want that?

 

Alayna didn’t even know if she could make herself touch him again. Just thinking about it made her heart ache and yearn, but if this was to end with them parting…. that wouldn’t be good for either one of them. Her thoughts spun- should she do it? Not do it? Do it. No… but wait! Yes! No! Now!

 

And before any further whirlwind could interfere, she went and placed her hand in his. The simple touch was enough to threaten and bring back the tears, but the redhead forced them back and just managed to hold herself together while Fluke led them to a log and went to sit against it. She settled in next to him, making sure to keep a decent distance so as to not make anything anymore uncomfortable. Her eyes drifted downward, skimming the grass beneath them before she reached out and plucked a blade. Fluke spoke then, and his words brought back all the same feelings of hurt she experienced before.

 

She had things he didn’t. Many did- and that hurt him. She couldn’t erase who she was to make him better, but she could erase herself from the picture so he wouldn’t feel that way as much and could find a way to get those things for himself. She could leave. Let him be happy.

 

But that wasn’t the end of it. Fluke continued, and what he had to say next threatened to bring a red tint to her cheeks. Alayna turned her head to the side, hoping he wouldn’t notice it. She remembered the day he mentioned well. She’d thought it’d be fun to show him where her dad had worked, to show him a secret place not many got to see, when suddenly the door was shut behind them and they were locked inside. Fluke panicked, though herself having been in the same situation many times knew everything would be fine. She tried to reassure him and when he wouldn’t listen… she went and did the only other thing she knew would take his mind off it.

 

She’d kissed him. And then they kissed again. And again. And it didn’t even matter what happened after that, because for the first time the feelings they’d been fighting so hard against were fully out in the open for everyone to see.

 

That blade of grass was really fascinating. So green. So smooth. So… grassy…

 

Her focus remained trained on the blade as she tried to fight back her feelings, but the mention of ‘the rumor’ was enough to wash it all away. Alayna’s eyes shot up as a healthy dose of anger rushed through her. “The false rumor” she retorted. “That never happened, Fluke. People just… they just… I have NO interest in Jake Morent!”

 

Letting out a sigh, she dropped the grass blade and cloth and went to run her hands through her hair. “I wasn’t pissed. I was scared. You know what sorts of things my family’s been through, don’t you? What I’ve been through? I don’t want to lose you either. And I just… I didn’t understand. Why you never told me. Why… why you would want to do something that could… that could…”

 

She couldn’t even make herself say the word.

 

“I was scared. I am scared. But then you said all that about being overshadowed and I thought… I can’t stop you. If you want that, I can’t. So… I’ll step away. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t. That’s the whole reason I got upset to start with and I’m sorry for that but I just… I think of sitting there and watching… while you… and those others…”

 

Alayna took a breath and tried to calm herself down. “I don’t want to walk away. I love you. But… it’ll be hard. To watch you and… and not…”

 

Not step in front of those dragons and sacrifice herself.  

Edited by Alayna Weasley

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Mason Fluke

“Of course it never happened,” he assured her. “I never believed it did, but… in the back of my mind, it could have.” And that thought stung worse than she knew. It had taken them so long to get to this point, and along the way there were plenty of missed opportunities for them that they should have taken advantage of but didn’t. How many times had they kissed before they finally decided they were dating? One too many, really. Was it because she was unsure of him? Though he couldn’t guess at that, he was just happy when she did finally become his girlfriend and for a while everything else had fallen to the backburner. Forgotten, and now it was boiling over.

 

Fluke shook his head, because even he didn’t know exactly why he didn’t tell her. It was a mixture of things that had come together at the same time, and he had just been so… “Stupid.” Yes, he said it out loud. “I was stupid. And I was jealous.” It certainly didn’t sound any better out loud than it did in his head, that was for sure. After a long sigh, he had to let out a chuckle at himself. His poor, stupid self. “I saw you with those delegates, and you were just doing your job… but, I didn’t like it. And I know you’re going to say you were just doing your duty, and I understand that, but I just didn’t like it. And it’s not like you would have appreciated me going over there and wrapping my arm around you and telling them to bugger off, like I was marking territory or something.” Or would she?

 

“I was going to tell you. And then the right opportunity never came up. And then things were good between us and I started to regret putting my name in there in the first place. And I just thought there was no way it was going to pick me, so I didn’t have to tell you and things would just carry on as normal.”

 

I am a Hogwarts Champion.

 

The fact hit him then. A pang in his gut that made him want to vomit. It was like there was a timer above his head, counting down the days until his doom. Alayna was scared, though, and when she was scared, he wasn’t allowed to be. Though the rapid beat of his heart betrayed him, he shifted closer to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder to draw her against him.

 

He understood she felt the urge to protect him from this. “That’s what makes you so brave,” he whispered. “It’s just one reason I love you, and why I will never compare.” For that reason, this tournament was going to be the end of him, he was sure of that. “You are not a coward, and I wish I was that strong.”


After a breath, he added, “I want to be as strong as you. That’s why I put my name in.” Only to be the coward he was, immediately after, regretting that choice. “I don’t want to walk away either. I just want to be better. It’s what you deserve, and now I have no choice but to be better."

Edited by Mason Fluke

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