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The Daily Prophet

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Wizarding Britain's number one source for news and information since 1743.

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PRUNELLA BETTY TIBBLES (1834 - 2036)

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is sad to note the passing of one of their beloved dueling officiators, Prunella Betty Tibbles (age 202). Born in an era prior to many wizards and witches of the current generation, she is thought to have passed away peacefully in her sleep on July 30th. While her success as a dueling officiator remains in question, her affection for the students is without doubt, as she was commonly seen knitting them sweaters and scarves to keep warm in the winter. Sh

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Shackling: Is Flamel Pushing the Limits?

The current commander-in-chief at Hogwarts, Headmistress Arnaude Flamel, has done well to ensure the safety of her students from outside forces, but who’s protecting the students from internal threats? Since Flamel has stepped into power at Hogwarts, rumours have been floating about regarding the nature of her disciplinary methods. Shackling, what many students and parents originally thought to be a scare tactic to keep the children in line, have become a real, tangible, and archaically cruel pu

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Gringotts' Vaults Plundered!!!

In a shocking turn of events, a band of exceptionally skilled wizards broke into Gringotts last night. Minimal staff were on duty and were simultaneously knocked out by well-aimed stupefying charms. The thieves proceeded to swarm the underground vaults, equipped with magical explosives that allowed them to blow the vault doors into smithereens. It is unclear how many thieves were involved in the operation, but it was enough to overcome the various security measures Gringotts has traditionally im

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Ruby Lee's Magical Mysteries: Poltergeists

Dear Ruby, How does one become a poltergeist? - Mischievous, Leeds   Hi Mischievous,   Short answer: you can’t, so you’ll have to satisfy your desire for chaos before you die. Long answer: poltergeists aren’t ghosts! This is one of those cases where we have something waddling, quacking and suspiciously duck-shaped but it definitely is not a duck. Poltergeists were never living humans; they’re amortal spirits of chaos tied to specific locations. We call them “non-bei

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Feminine Wiles, Feminine Trial

Residents in the Greater London area who have been experiencing a string of unusual thefts in their homes for the last three months can now rest easy as the Magical Law Enforcement squad has finally captured the culprit. Elisabeth Riviere, a wanted thief from France, was captured on Saturday following a harrowing chase in Diagon Alley that injured seven bystanders.   The Magical Law Enforcement squad had been pursuing Riviere since August when the first few thefts were reported. Victim

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Headmistress Flamel Stands Strong

It’s not often that we at the Daily Prophet are able to print good news, but should the chance present itself, we would like to shine the light on the bright spots in our world where there is so much darkness. Happily, we can report to you that Hogwarts is embarking on its fourth year with Headmistress Arnaude Flamel at the helm. Flamel, a world renowned potions mistress and descendant of the famous Nicholas Flamel, is the author of When the Goat Is Not Enough.   Flamel took over

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Man-eating Werewolf Back on the Prowl

The registered lycanthrope, Galen Ward, was convicted of criminally negligent manslaughter in 2032 when The Council of Magical Law determined that he intentionally skipped his final dose of wolfsbane potion, resulting in the death of his 15-year-old sister, Margo Ward. Ward’s five year sentence was cut short following his trial on Tuesday evening, wherein the convicted asked for forgiveness, claiming no malicious intent and remorse for his actions. We reached out to his attorneys, Bertrand an

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Ding Dong, the Death Eater's Dead!

At long last, the Daily Prophet has heard the official news: Duncan Cunningham, the Death Eater arrested and suspected of tampering with the sanity of students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was found dead several yards from his cell last month. Reports say that Daniel Pechman, the auror on duty at the time of Cunningham’s death, was found on the scene just steps away from the deceased’s body. After a weighing of Pechman’s wand, it was found that a Killing Curse as well as a m

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

99 PROBLEMS, BUT WEASLEY'S NO LONGER ONE

The Prophet has just received news that there is a new Headmistress roaming the halls of Hogwarts. That’s right, readers. Arthur Weasley, who has maintained the position of Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for over twenty years, has been deemed unfit to maintain his post and as such was fired on the morning of 31 August. The jaded Second Wizarding War hero has been cited in the past for his gross negligence of the safety of students, as well as his incapability of comm

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Outraged Voices Cry Out

We asked for your words, and you delivered–literally. The following are letters the Daily Prophet has received from a wide array of parents. Mothers, fathers, grandparents, muggles, half-bloods and purebloods alike have written in with their views. While some people are still blinded by the Headmaster’s schemes, it is resoundingly clear that the majority of our children’s guardians are not happy with the lack of safety that Hogwarts delivers. Here is what you, the readers, had to say: _______

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Death at Hogwarts Gets a Little Hairy

The Daily Prophet is bereaved to inform readers that there has been advancement in the story of the murdered child at Hogwarts. You have read correctly: murdered. Margo Anne Ward, 15, did not die from poor luck of the draw in the now infamous Spattergroit Epidemic. The innocent Hufflepuff was instead mauled and eaten at the hands (or paws, if you will) of a rabid werewolf within Hogwarts walls. What’s worse? The werewolf in question is Galen Stanley Ward, 18, none other than the poor girl’s b

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Tragedy at the Hands of Healers

Less than twenty-four hours ago, tragedy struck Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizadry. An anonymous source has revealed that last night, very suddenly, a student at the once prestigious school passed away. A child. A sweet, innocent thing who didn’t even make it to their Ordinary Wizarding Level Examinations inhaled their last, shuddering breath behind walls that are supposed to be a sanctuary, and why? Because of the incompetent fools who have been allowed to let their tyranny suffocate

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Floundering Geniuses Under Scrutiny

The wizarding world has plunged into an era of magical innovation and invention. With talented wizards making strides in new magical theories and traversing new frontiers, a prosperous age may be just on the horizon or so we think. Dissent in various academic circles, however, is now on the rise. Recent developments, such as Guildenstern’s proposed uses of dragon blood and the rare darinyx flower, have faced many accusations of fraud. Many have made demands for S.J.K.T.W. awards to be revoked. O

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Hogwarts School Board Says Enough is Enough

SCOTLAND—As the recently developed strain of spattergroit runs rampant through the halls of Hogwarts, parents are forced to ask themselves: are our children safe anymore? Sources confirm that the highly contagious disease has been allowed to spread among students at an exponential rate, contaminating at least 15% of the student population in two short months. The illness causes the skin to break out in purple pustules that heal over into hideous scars and often results in months of bedrest an

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Riots "All in Good Fun," Fans Say

APPLEBY — Quidditch fans take note: if you’re looking for a spectacular game, a plethora of blood, and a good chance that you’ll come home with a broken nose, go to an Arrows v Wasps match. The statistics for Tuesday’s game between the long-time rivals were unprecedented, and we’re not talking about the score: By the end of the game, every player was injured (including every alternate), and there were a record number of spectator casualties–both from rabid fans and player intervention. Whethe

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Rats Out For Daycare Jobs

After months of suspicions over the standards of the Pre-Hogwarts Primary kitchens, reports have been received concerning the most recent, rather chatty pupils residing in the school’s cooking facilities. The Office of Magical Health Inspection has been on record stating that “the issue had not been brought to their attention until very recently,” and that the office’s chief inspectors would be resolving the issue as soon as possible. However, the Prophet has been receiving news about the pes

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Harpies Declare War with Infallible Reorganisation Strategy

The Holyhead Harpies have been on a losing streak since the beginning of the fall Quidditch season, possibly due to their newest addition as a Beater-Chaser swing, Kate Davies. They suffered a supremely embarrassing loss in their most recent game against the Falcons, bringing this season’s win-loss ratio to 5:1, but in the game against the Montrose Magpies they played last Thursday at the Hardson Stadium in Holyhead apparently meant pulling out all the stops. The Harpies pulled a fast one at

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

The Hunt for Rogue Santa

LONDON - Recent reports about a real life Santa have been crossing the desks of Accidental Magic Reversal Squad agents for the past week, with no sign of stopping anytime soon. The first came several weeks ago, when an impersonator at Harrod’s managed to shoot a silent Instant Scalping Hex at the mother of a five-year-old muggle, who was heard muttering to the wizard in disguise that all he wanted was for his “Mummy to quit spending so much time on her hair in the mornings and make [him] a pr

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Nothing but a Try-Hard?

Taking illegal magic carpet rides, dancing with mooncalves, and inspiring rebellion among teenagers; these might sound like the warning signs of an out of control star. In truth, that was only the beginning. Since hitting the music scene only a year ago, tweeny bopper ma&a (AKA The Artist Formerly Known as Who Even Cares) has gone from down-to-earth to all-out and extreme. She has shocked the nation and world. The drastic makeovers, including the occasional self-transfigurations, have bee

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Your Guide to the Stars

PHOENIX 23 Dec - 9 Jan Do not let yourself be overwhelmed by stress, there is still time to achieve what you set out to do. Take advantage of your innate stubbornness and you will see it through. Similar to the Augurey, while distractions are needed as well be chary of which ones are worthy of your devotion. YETI 10 Jan – 18 Mar* It has never been a better time to leash your tongue than today, or else you may just blow down the house of cards you have so determinately constructed. It will

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Hexing Hextor

The Quidditch world is on high alert. And I’m not talking about the ridiculous manner in which the Magpies have been taking the league by storm. Flattery O’Malley, custodian of St. Mungo’s, has confirmed that the Captain and Beater of the Holyhead Harpies, Krystela Hextor was admitted under suspicious circumstances late last night. “She was conscious and clinging to her beater’s bat. I wasn’t in the room, but the word around St. Mungo’s is that she was declaring her love for the thing! With h

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Promising Game Turns Out in Anticlimax, Reporter Left Picking Nose

Saturday’s game was supposed to be an epic battle of raging rivalries and bloody noses. Featuring two teams of former Hogwarts students, one largely comprised of Slytherin alumni and the other full of alumni pledging loyalties to every house but Slytherin, the Falcons v Puddlemere match was expected to be a game of old vindications and people with something to prove. All that they proved, though, was that none of them had any stamina whatsoever. Pathetically, the game lasted five minutes.

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Odds N Ends

CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS    Jobs The hosts of the Annual Broom Race of Sweden is seeking twenty hard-working young people to man stations along the flying route to ensure a lack of cheating. Must possess your own fire-proof cloak. Send application to Jo Ann at Owl Box 444882, Őstersund, Sweden.   For Sale Elegant pewter lion base, fire-colored turkey feather quill. Imported from the States. 4 Galleons, 7 Sickles, 28 Knuts. Send notice to Box 2, Yorkshire UK.

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Hippity-Hoppity, Boo?

Panic and mayhem within the Ministry has left several workers hopping mad. Despite feeble efforts to cover up the mishap, St. Mungo’s influx of patients who were bleeding profusely from gaping wounds and mysterious bite marks was enough to gain the attention of this reporter. Bunny Rabbits–that’s right people, carnivorous, flesh-eating, blood thirsty bunnies–have set up camp in the Ministry of Magic. Tucker Flaxen, sub-standard Healer, said, “Weird shenanigans are often diverted here to the F

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

The Price of High Fashion

In the midst of latest fall issue of Diagon’s Bazaar, the debut of various collections and the sudden surge in controversial trends have caused an uproar in the socially-conscious wizarding population. Various organizations such as Wizards for Beast Rights have banded together to not only boycott any and all sales of the offending products, but to also hurl accusations left and right. Coupled with bamboozling numbers and suspect facts, their loud complaints have been a source for bad publicity f

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

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