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Riots "All in Good Fun," Fans Say

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APPLEBY — Quidditch fans take note: if you’re looking for a spectacular game, a plethora of blood, and a good chance that you’ll come home with a broken nose, go to an Arrows v Wasps match. The statistics for Tuesday’s game between the long-time rivals were unprecedented, and we’re not talking about the score: By the end of the game, every player was injured (including every alternate), and there were a record number of spectator casualties–both from rabid fans and player intervention.

Whether the players intended to injure select audience members is of much debate. Arrows Chaser Amanda Overton’s rumoured ex-lover was reportedly in the crowd, which might have been the source of one particular quaffle chucked toward the crowd, though the rest were arguably in-game affairs. Overton and fellow Chaser Ryuichiro Takeda are known for their ridiculous throwing range, and when combined with teammate Baldwin Dumay, the trio is violently unstoppable, the pride of everyone from the Cumbria area (btw, the Jarkeni clan says hi).

Dubbed the “Bloody Brigade” by their fans, the trio is notorious for using quaffles illegally (ingeniously) as bludgers halfway between the passer and the recipient, adding an extra threat in cooperation with the Arrows’ beating team. Unfortunately for the Arrows’ legal team, this also translates into occasionally underestimating their strength and shooting the quaffle directly into the open arms (and face) of an unfortunate (or fortunate), dedicated fan.

Such incidents occurred no fewer than five separate times at Tuesday’s match, which resulted in a couple of riots amongst fans who were jealous of such special treatment. Wasps fans, who tried at first to pretend they were above it all, broke out into separate riots halfway through the match–or what we saw of it, anyhow. After the fifth hit proved to be no guarantee that the violence would dim down as the match progressed, Quidditch officials ended the game and partnered with local authourities to break everyone up and take statements. Ministry officials have been assured that the violence was simply “all in good fun,” according to one grinning fan with a loose tooth or two.

The fan continued on to imply that he only showed up to Quidditch matches for the fights, which, while ignorant at the concept of how amazing Quidditch is, is admirable. “It’s the thrill of the chase, no matter how you spin it,” the fan, who wishes to remain nameless, said. “I love not knowing what’s going to happen next with the chickens. Yodeling. Pancakes on a Pluto trombone. Wizengamot.” He then started mumbling other incoherent phrases, and was collected by a concerned/annoyed Mediwitch who tsked loudly at him.

The good-fun theory was reinforced by amiable pats-on-the-back by previously rioting folks. Ministry officials estimated about 4,000 galleons done in damage to the stadium, personnel, and guests.

Team captains have supposedly disciplined their teams to prevent further incidents,but Quidditch officials have banned the teams from playing each other until further notise. The game ended officially on a no-score draw, but everyone knows the Arrows would have won, anyway.

By Feige Jarkeni


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