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99 PROBLEMS, BUT WEASLEY'S NO LONGER ONE

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Daily Prophet

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The Prophet has just received news that there is a new Headmistress roaming the halls of Hogwarts.

That’s right, readers. Arthur Weasley, who has maintained the position of Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for over twenty years, has been deemed unfit to maintain his post and as such was fired on the morning of 31 August. The jaded Second Wizarding War hero has been cited in the past for his gross negligence of the safety of students, as well as his incapability of communicating appropriately with the Governors of the School Board. Margo Ward’s death, bringing with it the complaints of parents across the country, seems to be the straw that broke the hippogriff’s back.

We are proud to inform the wizards of the United Kingdom, however, that the Board of Governors have finally gotten something right, and that Weasley’s replacement is poised to put the education back in Hogwarts.

Arnaude Flamel, former Slytherin at Hogwarts and decorated alchemist, boasts achievements near and far. The twelve-times great niece of the esteemed Nicolas Flamel is well-known for her wide variety of accomplishments, including her discovery of the six uses of unicorn blood, her studies of catalytic reactions among beasts to various elixirs, and her Daily Prophet Bestseller When The Goat is Not Enough, a compendium of poisons that cannot be cured by a bezoar. Most importantly, however, are her unrelenting attempts to recreate the philosopher’s stone. Though she has yet to be successful, the woman’s ambition and the fact that she’s come the closest to breaking her ancestor’s secret proves what an incredible inspiration she is to us all – particularly to the youth of Hogwarts who are so desperate for a competent leader during these troubled times.

After the disastrous reigns of Albus Dumbledore (may his soul rest in peace) and Arthur Weasley, Hogwarts deserves a compassionate soul like Mistress Flamel. Someone with a deeply-rooted concern for the education and above all the safety of British wizarding children. Someone who will hire professionals with the credentials necessary to heal and care for the youth of our world. Someone who will not allow the monsters of nightmares to give adolescents a reason to shake in their beds at night.

Headmistress Flamel has a reputation for correcting and advancing the areas of study and politics that are placed in her path with the utmost efficiency, and is known for her awe-inspiring ability to motivate colleagues to achieve their ultimate potential. The Governors should be commended for their choice in Headmistress; under Flamel’s influence, Hogwarts has a potential to grow and move forward from its tragic past.

The Prophet will certainly be here to report it all.


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