A garden gnome pillaged all of the mittens from the Greenhouses last night. The suspect is described as ten-inches tall, middle-aged and wearing an oversized fedora. If seen, please report to Professor Nash. Falsely accusing any first years of the crime will result in a full investigation!
Students are encouraged to dress warmly even in costume, as temperatures hover around 5C/41F. Also: avoid the unused classroom, which temporarily has been taken over by spiderwebs due to some overzealous Halloween fans.
The Accidental Magical Reversal Squad were called to a flat in Birmingham on Tuesday after a young boy inadvertently prompted the cutlery to perform Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 23. 16 Muggles had their memories of the event wiped. The young wizard in question—a Mr. Andrew Vane—was enjoying his eighth birthday party at the time.
The Wizarding World is suffering its latest bought of the Accio Flu. Make sure to wash your hands after every meal and toss two pinches of newt's lung behind your back before leaving the house to avoid infection. When sneezing, the Accio Flu will summon and permanently attach any foreign objects to your person — and sometimes, foreign persons to your person, as well. Stay Healthy.
Clarice Merriden, lead guitarist for The Custard Tarts, has revealed details of a new side project called The Screaming Banshees. The Isle of Man native announced the news at her recent Diagon Alley signing and revealed that fans could expect an album in 2031.
Odessa Tutella has been dismissed as caretaker at the Knightly Home for Orphaned Boys after it was discovered her unauthorized portkey led to the short disappearance of a boy last spring. The former Hufflepuff has refused to grant us an interview and has retired to her sister’s house in Tottenham.
After a long, long summer, Hogwarts castle seems to be particularly lonely. Activity has been reported all over the castle, mostly of the moving staircase on the fifth floor that loves trapping first years.
Students are warned to not keep their owls in the West Tower until newbie caretaker? giant? hobo? (Professor) Urguy investigates the source of the owls' excessive.... you know.
► As September rolls in, temperatures slip to 60F/15C. Lamb is in abundance, and the elves are busy in the Kitchens preparing warm, comforting lamb stew every Tuesday.
► Pocket sneakoscopes have gone off intermittently since whispers of a ginger menace began to circulate.
► After a long, long summer, Hogwarts castle seems to be particularly lonely. Activity has been reported all over the castle, mostly of the moving staircase on the fifth floor that loves trapping first years.
► Students are warned to not keep their owls in the West Tower until newbie caretaker? giant? hobo? (Professor) Urguy investigates the source of the owls' excessive.... you know.
► Odessa Tutella has been dismissed as caretaker at the Knightly Home for Orphaned Boys after it was discovered her unauthorized portkey led to the short disappearance of a boy last spring. The former Hufflepuff has refused to grant us an interview and has retired to her sister’s house in Tottenham.
► Clarice Merriden, lead guitarist for The Custard Tarts, has revealed details of a new side project called The Screaming Banshees. The Isle of Man native announced the news at her recent Diagon Alley signing and revealed that fans could expect an album in 2031.
► The Wizarding World is suffering its latest bought of the Accio Flu. Make sure to wash your hands after every meal and toss two pinches of newt's lung behind your back before leaving the house to avoid infection. When sneezing, the Accio Flu will summon and permanently attach and foreign objects to your person — and sometimes, foreign persons to your person, as well. Stay Healthy.
PIXIE: Avada kewoooo! I'm your host Pixie Pilda and that was So Fluffy You Gon' Die, the Pygmy Puffs' well-intentioned transition into rap.
WALDEN: That failed. A year ago.
PIXIE: Hey, I like it. No need to harsh my buzz, Walden.
WALDEN: You know putting 'pixie' in front of it doesn't make your name any less weird, right?
PIXIE: Anyway! It's time for some news from Durmstrang. We're a few days out of the first task of the Triwiz Tourney but the headlines are still rolling in.
WALDEN: Did that Hogwarts girl die yet?
PIXIE: Insensitive much? Avada kegeez Walden. No, H.G. Briony Prosser is said to be recovering from her exposure to that stanky Nundu breath, but some people are calling it a straight up assassination attempt. That Nundu was the only creature imported from a whole 'nother continent. Funny how Hogwarts got landed with that monster while what did Durmstrang have to round up? A bunch of elves?
WALDEN: I don't think Erklings are elves, strictly speaking.
PIXIE: Whatever, it's favoritism either way. The whole thing's rigged I bet. That falcon kid Everard loves so much is going to take the Cup in the end. And he's nothing but hype. He didn't even place top in his school, did he?
WALDEN: No, that was his sister. And Blomqvist was next best for Durmstrang.
PIXIE: Ew but he looks like a chew toy in the after photos. Do you think that's why Jana didn't go in for the victory kiss? Afraid he was about to turn into one of those gross little things?
WALDEN: They're not werewolves either. Did you ever study magical creatures?
PIXIE: Nope! On to more important matters, tournament frontrunner Kasper Kats has made the shortlist for Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. Let's be real though, no one's looking at his smile. Gotta love those Quidditch players, they'll take off their shirts anywhere. Avada keyum.
WALDEN: How on earth is that important?
PIXIE: It just is. Ladies send in your votes today!
WALDEN: Moving on... The tournament coordinators are getting some heat from WEDI — that's Wizards for Ethical Dragon Interaction — because champion Latocia Évalisse is said to have done permanent harm to the Ukrainian Ironbelly that the Beauxbatons team caged. The judges docked her heavily for those runes she etched onto its wing but extremists are demanding she be removed from the competition entirely.
PIXIE: I just want to know where she gets her hair done. It's so...red. Avada kefierce!
WALDEN: This is serious.
PIXIE: So am I! And that's enough news for now, back to the tunes. Here's Can't Obliviate My Heart by Wand Direction.
► Overnight, a great portable swamp has been released in the corridor outside the library. Is this an act of an overworked student or could it be attributed to the rising trend of vandalism at Hogwarts? Mrs. Norris has started stringent hourly patrols.
► A recall has been issued for as many as 26,000 boxes of Cheeri Owls for possible glass contamination in one of their ingredients, skrewt oil.
►Britain sees the largest flock of owls in the sky since the day You-Know-Who was defeated: tickets for The Pygmy Puffs' holiday concert have gone on sale, and only 1,000 lucky witches or wizards will make attendance. In response to the band's announcement of their pygmy puffs performing synchronized swimming on stage in late December, pygmy puff rights groups have launched an aggressive campaign to boycott the concert.
► Chad Knox will be live tonight, dishing out the odds on Durmstrang champions. Don't miss it or the recent string of articles at the Daily Prophet detailling trouble at the grand Triwizard Tournament.
► With the students’ release from exams, most to the warmth of well-missed homes or otherwise to the empty castle, torrential downpours have started all about the country, turning it into the wettest winter yet.
► A mysterious clank-clanking has been heard coming from the unused classroom’s closet. A head count of students before winter break confirmed that no one is missing, so the staff has been warned that the castle likely has another visitor in the form of a ghoul. The Ghoul Task Force has been scheduled for a visit.
► Equally mysterious is how girls and boys everywhere are finding themselves matched to their one true champion. Did Witch Weekly hire Seers for this project?
► Chaos erupted at the Ministry of Magic when a pygmy puff activist group sent a package with an extensive extension charm, releasing hundreds of the furry critters in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Personnel are advised to not condone cuddling with any escaped pygmy puffs. Please return them to the front desk.
► Despite repeated requests for interviews about the upcoming first task of the Triwizard Tournament, Official Zotkin has promised all "a good show" to look for. Now, if only tickets to Durmstrang weren't rarer than ones to the Pygmy Puffs' winter concert.
► Blame Herbert t-shirts have recently become “all the rage” on the international fashion scene.
► The comic book Snapeman has recently released a new line of action figures. Rumor has it there’s a removable hooked nose involved. Get your order in today!
►A litter of blast-ended skrewts appears to have made the rose gardens its home. Students should approach with caution.
► In Quidditch League news, this week's game took place in overly windy conditions, resulting in at least one weather related injury. The Montrose Magpies defeated Puddlemere United, 190 to 50, with leading goal scorers Rose Weasley of Montrose, Montgomery Wotherspoon and Elliot Golden of Puddlemere. Ultimately, the snitch was caught by Lellybelly Thanrion of Montrose, resulting in their victory.
► For Valentine's, Madam Puddifoot received a new shipment of self-writing love notes. An undetected defect however will cause, when left unattended, the self-writing love notes to write very rude letters. Love you too, poopbrains.
► The Whomping Willow has been particularly angry as of late and will whomp any passersby. Its anger is exceptionally vicious toward couples.
► Rumours are swirling throughout the magical music scene of a long-awaited new album from The Every Flavour Boys, after the group tried out new material at their one-off concert in the Peak District last month. If true, this will be the bands first new release since 2018.
► 14 year old boy (Noah Knightly) reported missing from the Knightly Home for Orphaned Boys on February the 1st. Please contact the authorities if you have any information regarding the missing boy.
► Meanwhile, at Durmstrang, despite outcry over the second task, Official Zotkin has been mute on the suspicious going-ons about the still frozen lakes which have been deemed off-limits to all except Ministry workers or the groundskeeper.
► Noah Knightly was found in Puddlemere. The 14 year old squib claims to have no knowledge as to how he made the journey beyond a yanking pull on his belly and Authorities have to wonder what an unregistered portkey was doing at an orphanage.
► Wizarding Fashion Week (this year held in Leeds, Yorkshire) was a roaring success, with the ‘it’ colours of Spring and Summer named as canary yellow, lavender and olive green.
► Rumors spread that a wild werewolf has been seen on Hogwarts grounds. The incident still remains under investigation, though many suspect the recently outed werewolf, Elodie Aldridge, to be suspect.
► Tension, bad romance and camaraderie on display at the end-of-the-year ball. An autograph from Triwizard Tournament champion Briony Prosser may well be worth 1000 galleons one day so be sure to get yours today.
Why do we like the Triwizard Tournament? Why do we keep up with its happenings, the going on, and the ‘glamour’? Is it for the trials and successes of its pubescent youth, far more capable in their young age than most of you, dear listens, as well as your host—who talks to such trash as yourselves?—no.
Cut the fancy talk! We’re in it for the dough. The fame! The pay-out and the danger. Who’s most likely to win? What school? Who’s the most likely to trip and die? (Based on his waistline, sources confirm Herbert Longbottom.) This is Chad Knox and we have got all your Triwizard gambling needs covered on Knox in the Night. Today’s talk, a champion spotlight. We’ve got inside info on the things you haven’t heard from ‘reputable news sources’—and we’ll let you in on the good scoops before you bring out the goods. Your bets are safe in our hands.
It’s time for Part 1 of our segment PROS & CONS! We’ll be looking at Durmstrang.
First up, Josef Köhler: Durmstrang Head Boy and resident bore. Pros: Proficient dueller, nice suits, good family breeding. Cons: Seems like a stick in the mud. Seem a bit too close to that falcon for comfort. Or is that just for the Chad?
Second, Oksana Orlova. Oooh, don’t you just love saying that? Ok-sah-nah. Damn. Pros: fiery red-hair, fierce temper, and of legal age. Cons: out of your league, and—as we’ve heard it—carries a spello-taped wand. Honey, you need real wood to do magic, you know? I’m sure one of our lads could get you some. Kidding, kidding, but seems our girl is all looks and no game.
We all love you here at Knox in the Night, Oksana, but your odds are 15/1.
Third in Headmaster Evernerd’s announcement was PEE SACK, ha ha, kidding, kid, damn. It’s Isak Blomqvist! We won’t bore you with details on this kid: built like a beanpole, somehow opens his mouth and words come out. Pros: alive; Cons: everything.
Odds: the same odds Isak will get a date by the end of this tournament—none. Odds for Death, on the other hand: 2/1. Rest in peace, peewee. Rest in peace.
Lastly, the wildcard of the group, we have Jana Köhler: Josef’s little sister. Although she has the same breeding as her dearest older brother, we don’t think the whole ‘face genes’ translated over as well. (Oksana, you are still our number one… at least until we get to the Beauxbaton birds). Really, we don’t really know what this girl is capable of, but she looks crazy. It’s in the eyes. Each photo-op’s translated more like a mug shot.
We’re going with 10/1 on this one, because we feel like it. We all have ex-girlfriends here at Knox in the Night. We know what ‘dem witches be capable of.
Now let’s take this session out with some Norwegian Death metal. Until next time, when we’ll be snuggling up with the Hogwarts twinkies.
This has been Chad Knox—Stay Nightly, Grimsby!