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Bringing you a wide range of entertainment and news updates.

Entries in this blog

 

Update on Portkey Perpetrators!

We've just gotten word that one of the kidnapped children is in fact Avery Potter, Harry Potter's granddaughter. We have no doubt that the Auror Office will be involved in settling this undoubtedly poorly planned abduction.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Out with Flamel, in with a Pest

An insider at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has noted that while preparations for the new school year have gone smoothly thus far despite recent and sudden changes to the staff, it seems a new flock of doxies have taken residence in the countless draperies around the castle. Staff of Hogwarts have been fighting the doxies off with Doxycide as per routine, however this seems to be a bigger job than they'd originally thought.   Doxies typically prefer cold climates and it has been unseasonably warm. Whether the pests were planted there as a revenge scheme from the rumored-to-be bitter former Headmistress Flamel is mere speculation, but it looks as though students may find themselves attacked by more than knowledge on September 1st.  Get your knockback jinxes ready, kids!

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Portkey Perpetrators at Prestigious Park

An anonymous tip from a concerned citizen has informed us at the Wizarding Wireless Network that a possible kidnapping via illegal portkey has occurred on the grounds of Crystal Fountain Park. Witnesses report an adult and possible accomplice lured multiple children in with an unknown but irresistible enchanted object. It is not yet known where the children were taken or who the culprits are connected to, but reports indicate the Department of Magical Transportation has been notified at this time. We will continue to report as this story unfolds.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Tainted Chocolate Frogs

This is an urgent message from your Ministry health department. Chocolate frogs, manufactured and purchased in the last two weeks, are on recall. No individuals should consume these chocolate frogs due to a small batch being tainted by WonderWitch Love Potions. A Dustin Tieber superfan is in custody for contaminating the chocolate frogs in efforts to revive the singer’s popularity. Mr. Tieber’s agent did not respond to inquiries.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Ollivander's Vandalised, Wands Stolen!

Reports are pouring in from dozens of sources in the early hours of Sunday morning that Ollivander's, beloved wand shop of Diagon Alley, has been vandalised and an unknown amount of wands have been taken from the premises.   "The doors and windows was busted up to oblivion," said Callus Mordain of Knockturn Alley, who caught sight of the aftermath on his early morning stroll. "Things was on fire and broken and it looked like a lotta shelves was empty. I didn't take no wands, though, I promise you that!"   It is unclear as of yet the extent of the damage or how much inventory was stolen, however this would not be the first time the shop, open since 382 BC, has been the target of such a heinous crime. "The complexity of skilled wandmaking has always been the root of envy in the wizarding world. People are most often lured in by the high quality merchandise and galleons that a wand shop like Ollivander's produces," says celebrity wand expert, Katta Katternova, host of The Next Great Wandmaker. "I wouldn't be surprised if it was some lowly no-named thieves just looking to turn a profit."   We reached out to the shop's current owner, Agatha Ollivander, who requested only privacy during this time. Ollivander's is closed to the public temporarily as they asses the damage, although they are still taking orders by owl.   Any information regarding the witches or wizards responsible for this crime can be reported to the Department of  Magical Law Enforcement. Rewards of up to 100 galleons have been offered for helpful tips in this case.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Minister Miss the Mark on Equality - A talk with Author Urta Daufari

"Thank you for tuning in to our nightly After-Dinner Chat. I'm Sam Deng and it's Thursday night so we're going to get just a touch political. I'm here today with Urta Daufari, noted author of "The Things We Own", a history of goblin artifacts, and "Not Lying Down", an analysis of goblin rebellion throughout the ages. It's a pleasure to have you here today, Urta."
 
"Thank you, Sam. It's my pleasure to be able to talk about goblin rights on a show that reaches so many listeners."
 
/Laughter/ "I hope our station manager is as pleased with my numbers as you are. Now, for the benefit of the audience Urta is a half-goblin witch and was raised among goblins, so she has a special insight into... I'll say "both worlds". Does that sound right to you, Urta?"
 
"I'm sure other part-humans would argue there's more than just two worlds, but for our purposes that suits."
 
"And to start us off with a bang, what do you think is the biggest problem facing today's goblins?"
 
"That's a big question, Sam, but I think the answer is simple: inaction. We have people in power right now who claim to be concerned with the rights of the downtrodden, but it's evident that their concern is superficial, as nothing is actually being done to allow non-humans to uplift themselves."
 
"Are you talking about--"
 
"Yes, the Minister for Magic. She has talked a big talk, yet we've seen nothing come of it. If Hermione Granger-Weasley is so concerned about our rights, where are the reparations for the families of goblins killed in battles humans have incited? Where are the treasures being returned to the goblins who rightly own them? Where is the basic respect from the wizarding community?"
 
"Do you think the Minister has the power to change such a long-standing community attitude?"
 
"Sam, I think she has the power to try."
 
"Now, I know you'll have opinions on Wizards First Trust."
 
/laughter/ "I certainly do. Before I get into it, though, I want to be clear that I have no problem with competition. Goblins have been bankers for generations, and nobody can compete with a full goblin in terms of natural affinity for money management. I truly believe that WizFirst will fail as a result of not even hiring a goblin consultant, but the real issue with this bank comes back to community attitudes. A non-human or even part-human cannot open an account with WizFirst, and nobody is challenging it. We're back on the topic of inaction now. A lot of people think what WizFirst is doing now is wrong, but nobody is willing to do anything about it."
 
"It's the topic of your new book, isn't it? A focus on historical figures who could have stopped atrocities but didn't."
 
"That's right. "Idle Hands" is all about the evil which comes from inaction."
 
"And this is your first publication which isn't focused on goblins specifically. Tell us about that."
 
"Well, Sam..."   -------------Be sure to tune-in for the conclusion to this interview in Part 2, next Sunday. And now a word from our sponsors...
 

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Multiple Mumblings on Missing Montague

Shortly after the Daily Prophet's exclusive report on hotel mogul Alaric Montague's recent disappearance, information began flooding in regarding theories on his whereabouts and recent dealings. Some sources claimed to have spotted the wizard in areas as far away as Toronto, Ontario, Canada and Los Angeles, California, USA while one source mentioned a possible inferi outbreak in Turkey in which they'd seen his reanimated corpse.
  The most plausible disclosure, however, came from a source close to Montague, who reported that the last person Montague had been in contact with was Arnaude Flamel, Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It is said that Montague, an esteemed member of Hogwarts' Board of Governors, and Headmistress Flamel were meeting to discuss the latest allegations against her disciplinary tactics. It was after such meeting that the disappearance was reported.
  Whether the reports are true or not, the question remains: What happened to Alaric Montague, and will his family soon find the closure they deserve?

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

#squidlove

Japanese researcher Natsu Amori warned of global warming patterns affecting giant squid populations. The Japanese Ministry has formally reached out to urge the courtship between Hogwarts's Giant Squid and their national treasure, Ritsuko. Ritsuko is 56 years old and likes eating freshwater prawns.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Gobsmacked!

The face of Gobstone leagues nationwide could be set to change with this latest alteration to the regulations to be considered. The Gobstones Anti-doping Authority (GADA) have today announced that they are considering mandating the size of a standard gobstone as 7” in diameter, rather than the current 5”. A representative stated that "it is more difficult to thieve victory with heavier stones". This has resulted in general outcry from the Alliance of Gobstoners, releasing a statement including “such drastic measures will alter the Gobstone League, nay, the very world in ways that common folk could not possibly imagine.” Other specialists argue we may shortly have a stone shortage on our hands that will affect muggles and wizards alike.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Willow Whomps its Last Whimp?

As winter approaches, the well-known Whomping Willow in the Hogwarts grounds has been growing grumpy in its old age. Reports suggest that the Willow has been thwarting students from impossibly far away, particularly those seen to be fraternising. While some believe this is a PDA deterrent put in place by Headmistress Flamel, others are crying out for the removal of the elderly plant. Allegedly, this matter will be tabled at school council Monday week. Is this the last winter we’ll have to bear with the wretched Willow? Or will the tree-hugging students swoop in to save the day?

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

BREAKING: Multiple Casualties Among Those Injured At Hogwarts

IK: This is Isla Kelly once again bringing you an exclusive update to the tragedy unfolding at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy. Our sources have reported at least two casualties on the grounds, one being an Auror whose name has yet to be released. We are unsure whether the other is a student or otherwise, but we can only hope that this number doesn't grow as this serious attack rages on.   ...All we can say is: be strong, students, staff, and Aurors. We wish you our best as our hearts go out to Hogwarts.   Now Franklin Stone will bring your the weather.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

ATTACK ON HOGWARTS: Update

IK: This is Isla Kelly once again bringing you an update on the ongoing situation at Hogwarts. The Ministry is remaining tight-lipped on the extent of damage and injuries that have occurred, however our sources tell us Ministry officials have given their Aurors authorisation for emergency use of Unforgivables due to these dire circumstances. Whether they will prove necessary remains to be seen. We will keep working round the clock to give you all the information we can as this story continues to unfold.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

BREAKING NEWS: Attack at Hogwarts!

IK: Hello listeners, this is Isla Kelly. We interrupt this Quidditch match recap to bring you breaking news. The Ministry has just informed us that Aurors have been dispatched to Hogwarts to respond to a werewolf attack. Sources estimate that there are between eleven and fifteen werewolves on the ground. Students have apparently been injured, and some have apparently been bitten. We will continue to bring you coverage as we learn more.  

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Special Bulletin : Werewolf Advisory

In a special bulletin, WZRD Radio would like to remind listeners that authorities have been responding to reports of werewolf altercations near settlements outside major wizarding centres. The Ministry advises taking precautions as the full moon approaches and staying indoors on the night of the full moon wherever possible.    We take you now back to the news with Isla Kelly.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

A Screechy Symphony

Party at the lakefront! Merfolk are celebrating the birth of a new generation under the black lake, and it's sure to get rowdy. Bring your own butterbeer, and mind the Giant Squid.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Ghostly Retribution

Something - or someone - has fired up the ghosts in a stir. Strange murmurs fill the corridors as castle denizens gossip about what could have inspired such lively activity. A ghostly uprising is the most popular theory, though no one seems to be prepared for more than an unpleasant tingle.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

All Hallows' Eve

Students are encouraged to dress warmly even in costume, as temperatures hover around 5C/41F. Also: avoid the unused classroom, which temporarily has been taken over by spiderwebs due to some overzealous Halloween fans.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Are you a Tart fan?

Clarice Merriden, lead guitarist for The Custard Tarts, has revealed details of a new side project called The Screaming Banshees. The Isle of Man native announced the news at her recent Diagon Alley signing and revealed that fans could expect an album in 2031.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Accio Flu Epidemic

The Wizarding World is suffering its latest bought of the Accio Flu. Make sure to wash your hands after every meal and toss two pinches of newt's lung behind your back before leaving the house to avoid infection. When sneezing, the Accio Flu will summon and permanently attach any foreign objects to your person — and sometimes, foreign persons to your person, as well. Stay Healthy.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Hogwarts Staircase Users: Beware!

Even first years know about vanishing steps, but things appear to have gotten out of hand between the hallowed halls of Hogwarts. Sources say entire staircases have been vanishing. Not simply moving or changing direction, totally vanished! There one moment, gone the next. All fun and games as an excuse to be late to class, until someone ends up in the Hospital Wing with a body of broken bones. We’ll keep you abreast of the situation as it develops…

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Sweet, sweet love

Altruists Greta Lunes, Alexis Endicus and Isabella Carter are giving away sweets and administering a survey in the name of friendship in the Great Hall. Get it while it’s hot!

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Flood on the fifth floor

A tsunami of toilet water has overtaken the fifth floor after a firework made the unfortunate fall from a troublemaker's pocket. Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes could not be reached for further comment.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Educational Decree No. 51

Hey, hey, hey - welcome to the new Potterwatch.   This is Howler speaking. If you're listening to this, maybe you're looking to escape the latest tyranny at Hogwarts. Rumor has it that Lame Flame will be administering Veritaserum to all students caught defacing school property with lies. In the Great Hall.   If you want to guard your secrets, don't get caught, my friends. Howler out.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Mums Against Wizard Wheezes

Affronted mum of student who flooded the fifth floor launches a campaign against the Weasleys' shop. Pamphlets rain down every morning in the Great Hall, lecturing on the liberal leniencies by the headmaster and violence against bums due to inadequate safety warning labels on WWW's fireworks.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Wanted: Mitten Wrangler

A garden gnome pillaged all of the mittens from the Greenhouses last night. The suspect is described as ten-inches tall, middle-aged and wearing an oversized fedora. If seen, please report to Professor Nash. Falsely accusing any first years of the crime will result in a full investigation!

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

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