PIXIE: Avada kewoooo! I'm your host Pixie Pilda and that was So Fluffy You Gon' Die, the Pygmy Puffs' well-intentioned transition into rap.
WALDEN: That failed. A year ago.
PIXIE: Hey, I like it. No need to harsh my buzz, Walden.
WALDEN: You know putting 'pixie' in front of it doesn't make your name any less weird, right?
PIXIE: Anyway! It's time for some news from Durmstrang. We're a few days out of the first task of the Triwiz Tourney but the headlines are still rolling in.
WALDEN: Did that Hogwarts girl die yet?
PIXIE: Insensitive much? Avada kegeez Walden. No, H.G. Briony Prosser is said to be recovering from her exposure to that stanky Nundu breath, but some people are calling it a straight up assassination attempt. That Nundu was the only creature imported from a whole 'nother continent. Funny how Hogwarts got landed with that monster while what did Durmstrang have to round up? A bunch of elves?
WALDEN: I don't think Erklings are elves, strictly speaking.
PIXIE: Whatever, it's favoritism either way. The whole thing's rigged I bet. That falcon kid Everard loves so much is going to take the Cup in the end. And he's nothing but hype. He didn't even place top in his school, did he?
WALDEN: No, that was his sister. And Blomqvist was next best for Durmstrang.
PIXIE: Ew but he looks like a chew toy in the after photos. Do you think that's why Jana didn't go in for the victory kiss? Afraid he was about to turn into one of those gross little things?
WALDEN: They're not werewolves either. Did you ever study magical creatures?
PIXIE: Nope! On to more important matters, tournament frontrunner Kasper Kats has made the shortlist for Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. Let's be real though, no one's looking at his smile. Gotta love those Quidditch players, they'll take off their shirts anywhere. Avada keyum.
WALDEN: How on earth is that important?
PIXIE: It just is. Ladies send in your votes today!
WALDEN: Moving on... The tournament coordinators are getting some heat from WEDI — that's Wizards for Ethical Dragon Interaction — because champion Latocia Évalisse is said to have done permanent harm to the Ukrainian Ironbelly that the Beauxbatons team caged. The judges docked her heavily for those runes she etched onto its wing but extremists are demanding she be removed from the competition entirely.
PIXIE: I just want to know where she gets her hair done. It's so...red. Avada kefierce!
WALDEN: This is serious.
PIXIE: So am I! And that's enough news for now, back to the tunes. Here's Can't Obliviate My Heart by Wand Direction.
As winter approaches, the well-known Whomping Willow in the Hogwarts grounds has been growing grumpy in its old age. Reports suggest that the Willow has been thwarting students from impossibly far away, particularly those seen to be fraternising. While some believe this is a PDA deterrent put in place by Headmistress Flamel, others are crying out for the removal of the elderly plant. Allegedly, this matter will be tabled at school council Monday week. Is this the last winter we’ll have to bear with the wretched Willow? Or will the tree-hugging students swoop in to save the day?
A garden gnome pillaged all of the mittens from the Greenhouses last night. The suspect is described as ten-inches tall, middle-aged and wearing an oversized fedora. If seen, please report to Professor Nash. Falsely accusing any first years of the crime will result in a full investigation!
IK: Hello, this is Isla Kelly with your nightly news. Continuing coverage from the attack on Hogwarts, the Ministry of Magic has issued a news bulletin urging wizarding families to be careful when traveling. The wolves that escaped from the Taith Coch Reserve have yet to be apprehended by the Werewolf Capture Unit, and the Auror Office reports that their whereabouts are currently unknown. If approached by a werewolf, please report their location to the Werewolf Capture Unit. All of the escaped werewolves are considered extremely dangerous and you should not attempt to interact with them.
Now to Michael Santander for the latest news on this year’s Quidditch season.
We've just gotten word that one of the kidnapped children is in fact Avery Potter, Harry Potter's granddaughter. We have no doubt that the Auror Office will be involved in settling this undoubtedly poorly planned abduction.
This is an urgent message from your Ministry health department. Chocolate frogs, manufactured and purchased in the last two weeks, are on recall. No individuals should consume these chocolate frogs due to a small batch being tainted by WonderWitch Love Potions. A Dustin Tieber superfan is in custody for contaminating the chocolate frogs in efforts to revive the singer’s popularity. Mr. Tieber’s agent did not respond to inquiries.
In a special bulletin, WZRD Radio would like to remind listeners that authorities have been responding to reports of werewolf altercations near settlements outside major wizarding centres. The Ministry advises taking precautions as the full moon approaches and staying indoors on the night of the full moon wherever possible.
We take you now back to the news with Isla Kelly.
► As September rolls in, temperatures slip to 60F/15C. Lamb is in abundance, and the elves are busy in the Kitchens preparing warm, comforting lamb stew every Tuesday.
► Pocket sneakoscopes have gone off intermittently since whispers of a ginger menace began to circulate.
► After a long, long summer, Hogwarts castle seems to be particularly lonely. Activity has been reported all over the castle, mostly of the moving staircase on the fifth floor that loves trapping first years.
► Students are warned to not keep their owls in the West Tower until newbie caretaker? giant? hobo? (Professor) Urguy investigates the source of the owls' excessive.... you know.
► Odessa Tutella has been dismissed as caretaker at the Knightly Home for Orphaned Boys after it was discovered her unauthorized portkey led to the short disappearance of a boy last spring. The former Hufflepuff has refused to grant us an interview and has retired to her sister’s house in Tottenham.
► Clarice Merriden, lead guitarist for The Custard Tarts, has revealed details of a new side project called The Screaming Banshees. The Isle of Man native announced the news at her recent Diagon Alley signing and revealed that fans could expect an album in 2031.
► The Wizarding World is suffering its latest bought of the Accio Flu. Make sure to wash your hands after every meal and toss two pinches of newt's lung behind your back before leaving the house to avoid infection. When sneezing, the Accio Flu will summon and permanently attach and foreign objects to your person — and sometimes, foreign persons to your person, as well. Stay Healthy.
► Overnight, a great portable swamp has been released in the corridor outside the library. Is this an act of an overworked student or could it be attributed to the rising trend of vandalism at Hogwarts? Mrs. Norris has started stringent hourly patrols.
► A recall has been issued for as many as 26,000 boxes of Cheeri Owls for possible glass contamination in one of their ingredients, skrewt oil.
►Britain sees the largest flock of owls in the sky since the day You-Know-Who was defeated: tickets for The Pygmy Puffs' holiday concert have gone on sale, and only 1,000 lucky witches or wizards will make attendance. In response to the band's announcement of their pygmy puffs performing synchronized swimming on stage in late December, pygmy puff rights groups have launched an aggressive campaign to boycott the concert.
► Chad Knox will be live tonight, dishing out the odds on Durmstrang champions. Don't miss it or the recent string of articles at the Daily Prophet detailling trouble at the grand Triwizard Tournament.
► With the students’ release from exams, most to the warmth of well-missed homes or otherwise to the empty castle, torrential downpours have started all about the country, turning it into the wettest winter yet.
► A mysterious clank-clanking has been heard coming from the unused classroom’s closet. A head count of students before winter break confirmed that no one is missing, so the staff has been warned that the castle likely has another visitor in the form of a ghoul. The Ghoul Task Force has been scheduled for a visit.
► Equally mysterious is how girls and boys everywhere are finding themselves matched to their one true champion. Did Witch Weekly hire Seers for this project?
► Chaos erupted at the Ministry of Magic when a pygmy puff activist group sent a package with an extensive extension charm, releasing hundreds of the furry critters in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Personnel are advised to not condone cuddling with any escaped pygmy puffs. Please return them to the front desk.
► Despite repeated requests for interviews about the upcoming first task of the Triwizard Tournament, Official Zotkin has promised all "a good show" to look for. Now, if only tickets to Durmstrang weren't rarer than ones to the Pygmy Puffs' winter concert.
► Blame Herbert t-shirts have recently become “all the rage” on the international fashion scene.
► The comic book Snapeman has recently released a new line of action figures. Rumor has it there’s a removable hooked nose involved. Get your order in today!
►A litter of blast-ended skrewts appears to have made the rose gardens its home. Students should approach with caution.
► In Quidditch League news, this week's game took place in overly windy conditions, resulting in at least one weather related injury. The Montrose Magpies defeated Puddlemere United, 190 to 50, with leading goal scorers Rose Weasley of Montrose, Montgomery Wotherspoon and Elliot Golden of Puddlemere. Ultimately, the snitch was caught by Lellybelly Thanrion of Montrose, resulting in their victory.
► For Valentine's, Madam Puddifoot received a new shipment of self-writing love notes. An undetected defect however will cause, when left unattended, the self-writing love notes to write very rude letters. Love you too, poopbrains.
► The Whomping Willow has been particularly angry as of late and will whomp any passersby. Its anger is exceptionally vicious toward couples.
► Rumours are swirling throughout the magical music scene of a long-awaited new album from The Every Flavour Boys, after the group tried out new material at their one-off concert in the Peak District last month. If true, this will be the bands first new release since 2018.
► 14 year old boy (Noah Knightly) reported missing from the Knightly Home for Orphaned Boys on February the 1st. Please contact the authorities if you have any information regarding the missing boy.
► Meanwhile, at Durmstrang, despite outcry over the second task, Official Zotkin has been mute on the suspicious going-ons about the still frozen lakes which have been deemed off-limits to all except Ministry workers or the groundskeeper.
► Noah Knightly was found in Puddlemere. The 14 year old squib claims to have no knowledge as to how he made the journey beyond a yanking pull on his belly and Authorities have to wonder what an unregistered portkey was doing at an orphanage.
► Wizarding Fashion Week (this year held in Leeds, Yorkshire) was a roaring success, with the ‘it’ colours of Spring and Summer named as canary yellow, lavender and olive green.
► Rumors spread that a wild werewolf has been seen on Hogwarts grounds. The incident still remains under investigation, though many suspect the recently outed werewolf, Elodie Aldridge, to be suspect.
► Tension, bad romance and camaraderie on display at the end-of-the-year ball. An autograph from Triwizard Tournament champion Briony Prosser may well be worth 1000 galleons one day so be sure to get yours today.
An anonymous tip from a concerned citizen has informed us at the Wizarding Wireless Network that a possible kidnapping via illegal portkey has occurred on the grounds of Crystal Fountain Park. Witnesses report an adult and possible accomplice lured multiple children in with an unknown but irresistible enchanted object. It is not yet known where the children were taken or who the culprits are connected to, but reports indicate the Department of Magical Transportation has been notified at this time. We will continue to report as this story unfolds.
Lana: Hey guys, it's Lana Lumos, with your five-minute pop culture news.
Pour Some Pixie Dust On Me singer Regina Lovelace confirmed last night on Odessa Nox's late-night wizarding wireless show That's ShowWiz, that she has fired long-time goblin manager Grovekt after a series of disagreements over money.
Grovekt has been Regina's manager since she stormed onto the music scene aged 18 and fresh out of Hogwarts with hit single Should I Slay Or Should I Go? which, as you remember, was at the top of the charts for a record-breaking seven weeks. Grovekt was responsible for getting Regina her first deal with WizHitz Records.
However, after eight years, Regina has decided to end their partnership.
The popstar claims that Grovekt has been helping himself to a LOT of her money...
“I was just blindly believing everything he said. I had no sense of self. I was young when I first signed with him and he's a goblin, you know? They run Gringotts. I've always been brought up to trust goblins when it comes to money - everyone has...it was such a shock when I found out how much money he'd been taking. It wasn't until I spoke to Finn Vonner, the lead guitarist from band Poison Dreams, that I realised how wrong I was.
"After I realised how much money he was taking each month, I started to question what he was doing. Like, what was he doing to earn it? It's not like I need him to promote me anymore. I'm always being stopped in the street for autographs... An associate from WizFirst bank approached me the other day, offering me their services. She was such a lovely lady, she's followed my career from the start and knows the lyrics to all my songs."
The whole interview — about 50 minutes in length — is really something to hear. You can listen to it in full when it's repeated on Odessa Nox's show, this Sunday at 8 p.m.
Now back to news with Isla Kelly.
Aurelia King: A jury has apparently been convened by the Wizengamot to deal with with allegations against playwright Maude Tempest, sources have shared with Witch Weekly Radio.
This reported jury seating comes just days after the British Library's Goblin archivist Ubdart announced the discovery of a script dating back hundreds of years to the Goblin Rebellions which allegedly is very similar to Maude's hit production The Lethifold.
However, Maude Tempest's lawyer, Allard Krauss, shared with Witch Weekly that he has not been notified of anything regarding the case:
"No one from the department of magical law enforcement has contacted me or my client regarding any potential investigations. They are aware that I am representing her as I have done since her first play so they would have reached out to me if the rumours are founded on any sort of truth. Wizengamot jury selections are kept highly-secret so I have no idea how people are commenting on what may or may not be going on — and are possibly violating the law by doing so. Still, I can tell you I have heard nothing."
The British Library has confirmed the existence of the script with similarities to The Lethifold but a spokesperson for the Wizengamot refused to confirm or deny any investigation. Boring!!
Time for the justice system to do its job so we can get on to reporting more interesting gossip!
An insider at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has noted that while preparations for the new school year have gone smoothly thus far despite recent and sudden changes to the staff, it seems a new flock of doxies have taken residence in the countless draperies around the castle. Staff of Hogwarts have been fighting the doxies off with Doxycide as per routine, however this seems to be a bigger job than they'd originally thought.
Doxies typically prefer cold climates and it has been unseasonably warm. Whether the pests were planted there as a revenge scheme from the rumored-to-be bitter former Headmistress Flamel is mere speculation, but it looks as though students may find themselves attacked by more than knowledge on September 1st. Get your knockback jinxes ready, kids!
Odessa Tutella has been dismissed as caretaker at the Knightly Home for Orphaned Boys after it was discovered her unauthorized portkey led to the short disappearance of a boy last spring. The former Hufflepuff has refused to grant us an interview and has retired to her sister’s house in Tottenham.
Reports are pouring in from dozens of sources in the early hours of Sunday morning that Ollivander's, beloved wand shop of Diagon Alley, has been vandalised and an unknown amount of wands have been taken from the premises.
"The doors and windows was busted up to oblivion," said Callus Mordain of Knockturn Alley, who caught sight of the aftermath on his early morning stroll. "Things was on fire and broken and it looked like a lotta shelves was empty. I didn't take no wands, though, I promise you that!"
It is unclear as of yet the extent of the damage or how much inventory was stolen, however this would not be the first time the shop, open since 382 BC, has been the target of such a heinous crime. "The complexity of skilled wandmaking has always been the root of envy in the wizarding world. People are most often lured in by the high quality merchandise and galleons that a wand shop like Ollivander's produces," says celebrity wand expert, Katta Katternova, host of The Next Great Wandmaker. "I wouldn't be surprised if it was some lowly no-named thieves just looking to turn a profit."
We reached out to the shop's current owner, Agatha Ollivander, who requested only privacy during this time. Ollivander's is closed to the public temporarily as they asses the damage, although they are still taking orders by owl.
Any information regarding the witches or wizards responsible for this crime can be reported to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Rewards of up to 100 galleons have been offered for helpful tips in this case.
The Accidental Magical Reversal Squad were called to a flat in Birmingham on Tuesday after a young boy inadvertently prompted the cutlery to perform Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 23. 16 Muggles had their memories of the event wiped. The young wizard in question—a Mr. Andrew Vane—was enjoying his eighth birthday party at the time.
Affronted mum of student who flooded the fifth floor launches a campaign against the Weasleys' shop. Pamphlets rain down every morning in the Great Hall, lecturing on the liberal leniencies by the headmaster and violence against bums due to inadequate safety warning labels on WWW's fireworks.
Shortly after the Daily Prophet's exclusive report on hotel mogul Alaric Montague's recent disappearance, information began flooding in regarding theories on his whereabouts and recent dealings. Some sources claimed to have spotted the wizard in areas as far away as Toronto, Ontario, Canada and Los Angeles, California, USA while one source mentioned a possible inferi outbreak in Turkey in which they'd seen his reanimated corpse.
The most plausible disclosure, however, came from a source close to Montague, who reported that the last person Montague had been in contact with was Arnaude Flamel, Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It is said that Montague, an esteemed member of Hogwarts' Board of Governors, and Headmistress Flamel were meeting to discuss the latest allegations against her disciplinary tactics. It was after such meeting that the disappearance was reported.
Whether the reports are true or not, the question remains: What happened to Alaric Montague, and will his family soon find the closure they deserve?
A representative from the Ministry has announced that Minister Granger-Weasley will be holding a public forum in Diagon Alley on Monday, November 11, 2041 to address the situation that occurred at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry on November 8th. No further details were offered at this time.
"Thank you for tuning in to our nightly After-Dinner Chat. I'm Sam Deng and it's Thursday night so we're going to get just a touch political. I'm here today with Urta Daufari, noted author of "The Things We Own", a history of goblin artifacts, and "Not Lying Down", an analysis of goblin rebellion throughout the ages. It's a pleasure to have you here today, Urta."
"Thank you, Sam. It's my pleasure to be able to talk about goblin rights on a show that reaches so many listeners."
/Laughter/ "I hope our station manager is as pleased with my numbers as you are. Now, for the benefit of the audience Urta is a half-goblin witch and was raised among goblins, so she has a special insight into... I'll say "both worlds". Does that sound right to you, Urta?"
"I'm sure other part-humans would argue there's more than just two worlds, but for our purposes that suits."
"And to start us off with a bang, what do you think is the biggest problem facing today's goblins?"
"That's a big question, Sam, but I think the answer is simple: inaction. We have people in power right now who claim to be concerned with the rights of the downtrodden, but it's evident that their concern is superficial, as nothing is actually being done to allow non-humans to uplift themselves."
"Are you talking about--"
"Yes, the Minister for Magic. She has talked a big talk, yet we've seen nothing come of it. If Hermione Granger-Weasley is so concerned about our rights, where are the reparations for the families of goblins killed in battles humans have incited? Where are the treasures being returned to the goblins who rightly own them? Where is the basic respect from the wizarding community?"
"Do you think the Minister has the power to change such a long-standing community attitude?"
"Sam, I think she has the power to try."
"Now, I know you'll have opinions on Wizards First Trust."
/laughter/ "I certainly do. Before I get into it, though, I want to be clear that I have no problem with competition. Goblins have been bankers for generations, and nobody can compete with a full goblin in terms of natural affinity for money management. I truly believe that WizFirst will fail as a result of not even hiring a goblin consultant, but the real issue with this bank comes back to community attitudes. A non-human or even part-human cannot open an account with WizFirst, and nobody is challenging it. We're back on the topic of inaction now. A lot of people think what WizFirst is doing now is wrong, but nobody is willing to do anything about it."
"It's the topic of your new book, isn't it? A focus on historical figures who could have stopped atrocities but didn't."
"That's right. "Idle Hands" is all about the evil which comes from inaction."
"And this is your first publication which isn't focused on goblins specifically. Tell us about that."
-------------Be sure to tune-in for the conclusion to this interview in Part 2, next Sunday. And now a word from our sponsors...
Why do we like the Triwizard Tournament? Why do we keep up with its happenings, the going on, and the ‘glamour’? Is it for the trials and successes of its pubescent youth, far more capable in their young age than most of you, dear listens, as well as your host—who talks to such trash as yourselves?—no.
Cut the fancy talk! We’re in it for the dough. The fame! The pay-out and the danger. Who’s most likely to win? What school? Who’s the most likely to trip and die? (Based on his waistline, sources confirm Herbert Longbottom.) This is Chad Knox and we have got all your Triwizard gambling needs covered on Knox in the Night. Today’s talk, a champion spotlight. We’ve got inside info on the things you haven’t heard from ‘reputable news sources’—and we’ll let you in on the good scoops before you bring out the goods. Your bets are safe in our hands.
It’s time for Part 1 of our segment PROS & CONS! We’ll be looking at Durmstrang.
First up, Josef Köhler: Durmstrang Head Boy and resident bore. Pros: Proficient dueller, nice suits, good family breeding. Cons: Seems like a stick in the mud. Seem a bit too close to that falcon for comfort. Or is that just for the Chad?
Second, Oksana Orlova. Oooh, don’t you just love saying that? Ok-sah-nah. Damn. Pros: fiery red-hair, fierce temper, and of legal age. Cons: out of your league, and—as we’ve heard it—carries a spello-taped wand. Honey, you need real wood to do magic, you know? I’m sure one of our lads could get you some. Kidding, kidding, but seems our girl is all looks and no game.
We all love you here at Knox in the Night, Oksana, but your odds are 15/1.
Third in Headmaster Evernerd’s announcement was PEE SACK, ha ha, kidding, kid, damn. It’s Isak Blomqvist! We won’t bore you with details on this kid: built like a beanpole, somehow opens his mouth and words come out. Pros: alive; Cons: everything.
Odds: the same odds Isak will get a date by the end of this tournament—none. Odds for Death, on the other hand: 2/1. Rest in peace, peewee. Rest in peace.
Lastly, the wildcard of the group, we have Jana Köhler: Josef’s little sister. Although she has the same breeding as her dearest older brother, we don’t think the whole ‘face genes’ translated over as well. (Oksana, you are still our number one… at least until we get to the Beauxbaton birds). Really, we don’t really know what this girl is capable of, but she looks crazy. It’s in the eyes. Each photo-op’s translated more like a mug shot.
We’re going with 10/1 on this one, because we feel like it. We all have ex-girlfriends here at Knox in the Night. We know what ‘dem witches be capable of.
Now let’s take this session out with some Norwegian Death metal. Until next time, when we’ll be snuggling up with the Hogwarts twinkies.
This has been Chad Knox—Stay Nightly, Grimsby!
Even first years know about vanishing steps, but things appear to have gotten out of hand between the hallowed halls of Hogwarts. Sources say entire staircases have been vanishing. Not simply moving or changing direction, totally vanished! There one moment, gone the next. All fun and games as an excuse to be late to class, until someone ends up in the Hospital Wing with a body of broken bones. We’ll keep you abreast of the situation as it develops…