IK: Hello, this is Isla Kelly with your nightly news. Continuing coverage from the attack on Hogwarts, the Ministry of Magic has issued a news bulletin urging wizarding families to be careful when traveling. The wolves that escaped from the Taith Coch Reserve have yet to be apprehended by the Werewolf Capture Unit, and the Auror Office reports that their whereabouts are currently unknown. If approached by a werewolf, please report their location to the Werewolf Capture Unit. All of the escaped werewolves are considered extremely dangerous and you should not attempt to interact with them.
Now to Michael Santander for the latest news on this year’s Quidditch season.
A representative from the Ministry has announced that Minister Granger-Weasley will be holding a public forum in Diagon Alley on Monday, November 11, 2041 to address the situation that occurred at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry on November 8th. No further details were offered at this time.
IK: This is Isla Kelly once again bringing you an exclusive update to the tragedy unfolding at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy. Our sources have reported at least two casualties on the grounds, one being an Auror whose name has yet to be released. We are unsure whether the other is a student or otherwise, but we can only hope that this number doesn't grow as this serious attack rages on.
...All we can say is: be strong, students, staff, and Aurors. We wish you our best as our hearts go out to Hogwarts.
Now Franklin Stone will bring your the weather.
IK: This is Isla Kelly once again bringing you an update on the ongoing situation at Hogwarts. The Ministry is remaining tight-lipped on the extent of damage and injuries that have occurred, however our sources tell us Ministry officials have given their Aurors authorisation for emergency use of Unforgivables due to these dire circumstances. Whether they will prove necessary remains to be seen. We will keep working round the clock to give you all the information we can as this story continues to unfold.
IK: Hello listeners, this is Isla Kelly. We interrupt this Quidditch match recap to bring you breaking news. The Ministry has just informed us that Aurors have been dispatched to Hogwarts to respond to a werewolf attack. Sources estimate that there are between eleven and fifteen werewolves on the ground. Students have apparently been injured, and some have apparently been bitten. We will continue to bring you coverage as we learn more.
Aurelia King: A jury has apparently been convened by the Wizengamot to deal with with allegations against playwright Maude Tempest, sources have shared with Witch Weekly Radio.
This reported jury seating comes just days after the British Library's Goblin archivist Ubdart announced the discovery of a script dating back hundreds of years to the Goblin Rebellions which allegedly is very similar to Maude's hit production The Lethifold.
However, Maude Tempest's lawyer, Allard Krauss, shared with Witch Weekly that he has not been notified of anything regarding the case:
"No one from the department of magical law enforcement has contacted me or my client regarding any potential investigations. They are aware that I am representing her as I have done since her first play so they would have reached out to me if the rumours are founded on any sort of truth. Wizengamot jury selections are kept highly-secret so I have no idea how people are commenting on what may or may not be going on — and are possibly violating the law by doing so. Still, I can tell you I have heard nothing."
The British Library has confirmed the existence of the script with similarities to The Lethifold but a spokesperson for the Wizengamot refused to confirm or deny any investigation. Boring!!
Time for the justice system to do its job so we can get on to reporting more interesting gossip!
Lana: Hey guys, it's Lana Lumos, with your five-minute pop culture news.
Pour Some Pixie Dust On Me singer Regina Lovelace confirmed last night on Odessa Nox's late-night wizarding wireless show That's ShowWiz, that she has fired long-time goblin manager Grovekt after a series of disagreements over money.
Grovekt has been Regina's manager since she stormed onto the music scene aged 18 and fresh out of Hogwarts with hit single Should I Slay Or Should I Go? which, as you remember, was at the top of the charts for a record-breaking seven weeks. Grovekt was responsible for getting Regina her first deal with WizHitz Records.
However, after eight years, Regina has decided to end their partnership.
The popstar claims that Grovekt has been helping himself to a LOT of her money...
“I was just blindly believing everything he said. I had no sense of self. I was young when I first signed with him and he's a goblin, you know? They run Gringotts. I've always been brought up to trust goblins when it comes to money - everyone has...it was such a shock when I found out how much money he'd been taking. It wasn't until I spoke to Finn Vonner, the lead guitarist from band Poison Dreams, that I realised how wrong I was.
"After I realised how much money he was taking each month, I started to question what he was doing. Like, what was he doing to earn it? It's not like I need him to promote me anymore. I'm always being stopped in the street for autographs... An associate from WizFirst bank approached me the other day, offering me their services. She was such a lovely lady, she's followed my career from the start and knows the lyrics to all my songs."
The whole interview — about 50 minutes in length — is really something to hear. You can listen to it in full when it's repeated on Odessa Nox's show, this Sunday at 8 p.m.
Now back to news with Isla Kelly.
In a special bulletin, WZRD Radio would like to remind listeners that authorities have been responding to reports of werewolf altercations near settlements outside major wizarding centres. The Ministry advises taking precautions as the full moon approaches and staying indoors on the night of the full moon wherever possible.
We take you now back to the news with Isla Kelly.
"Thank you for tuning in to our nightly After-Dinner Chat. I'm Sam Deng and it's Thursday night so we're going to get just a touch political. I'm here today with Urta Daufari, noted author of "The Things We Own", a history of goblin artifacts, and "Not Lying Down", an analysis of goblin rebellion throughout the ages. It's a pleasure to have you here today, Urta."
"Thank you, Sam. It's my pleasure to be able to talk about goblin rights on a show that reaches so many listeners."
/Laughter/ "I hope our station manager is as pleased with my numbers as you are. Now, for the benefit of the audience Urta is a half-goblin witch and was raised among goblins, so she has a special insight into... I'll say "both worlds". Does that sound right to you, Urta?"
"I'm sure other part-humans would argue there's more than just two worlds, but for our purposes that suits."
"And to start us off with a bang, what do you think is the biggest problem facing today's goblins?"
"That's a big question, Sam, but I think the answer is simple: inaction. We have people in power right now who claim to be concerned with the rights of the downtrodden, but it's evident that their concern is superficial, as nothing is actually being done to allow non-humans to uplift themselves."
"Are you talking about--"
"Yes, the Minister for Magic. She has talked a big talk, yet we've seen nothing come of it. If Hermione Granger-Weasley is so concerned about our rights, where are the reparations for the families of goblins killed in battles humans have incited? Where are the treasures being returned to the goblins who rightly own them? Where is the basic respect from the wizarding community?"
"Do you think the Minister has the power to change such a long-standing community attitude?"
"Sam, I think she has the power to try."
"Now, I know you'll have opinions on Wizards First Trust."
/laughter/ "I certainly do. Before I get into it, though, I want to be clear that I have no problem with competition. Goblins have been bankers for generations, and nobody can compete with a full goblin in terms of natural affinity for money management. I truly believe that WizFirst will fail as a result of not even hiring a goblin consultant, but the real issue with this bank comes back to community attitudes. A non-human or even part-human cannot open an account with WizFirst, and nobody is challenging it. We're back on the topic of inaction now. A lot of people think what WizFirst is doing now is wrong, but nobody is willing to do anything about it."
"It's the topic of your new book, isn't it? A focus on historical figures who could have stopped atrocities but didn't."
"That's right. "Idle Hands" is all about the evil which comes from inaction."
"And this is your first publication which isn't focused on goblins specifically. Tell us about that."
-------------Be sure to tune-in for the conclusion to this interview in Part 2, next Sunday. And now a word from our sponsors...
We've just gotten word that one of the kidnapped children is in fact Avery Potter, Harry Potter's granddaughter. We have no doubt that the Auror Office will be involved in settling this undoubtedly poorly planned abduction.
An anonymous tip from a concerned citizen has informed us at the Wizarding Wireless Network that a possible kidnapping via illegal portkey has occurred on the grounds of Crystal Fountain Park. Witnesses report an adult and possible accomplice lured multiple children in with an unknown but irresistible enchanted object. It is not yet known where the children were taken or who the culprits are connected to, but reports indicate the Department of Magical Transportation has been notified at this time. We will continue to report as this story unfolds.
Reports are pouring in from dozens of sources in the early hours of Sunday morning that Ollivander's, beloved wand shop of Diagon Alley, has been vandalised and an unknown amount of wands have been taken from the premises.
"The doors and windows was busted up to oblivion," said Callus Mordain of Knockturn Alley, who caught sight of the aftermath on his early morning stroll. "Things was on fire and broken and it looked like a lotta shelves was empty. I didn't take no wands, though, I promise you that!"
It is unclear as of yet the extent of the damage or how much inventory was stolen, however this would not be the first time the shop, open since 382 BC, has been the target of such a heinous crime. "The complexity of skilled wandmaking has always been the root of envy in the wizarding world. People are most often lured in by the high quality merchandise and galleons that a wand shop like Ollivander's produces," says celebrity wand expert, Katta Katternova, host of The Next Great Wandmaker. "I wouldn't be surprised if it was some lowly no-named thieves just looking to turn a profit."
We reached out to the shop's current owner, Agatha Ollivander, who requested only privacy during this time. Ollivander's is closed to the public temporarily as they asses the damage, although they are still taking orders by owl.
Any information regarding the witches or wizards responsible for this crime can be reported to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Rewards of up to 100 galleons have been offered for helpful tips in this case.
This is an urgent message from your Ministry health department. Chocolate frogs, manufactured and purchased in the last two weeks, are on recall. No individuals should consume these chocolate frogs due to a small batch being tainted by WonderWitch Love Potions. A Dustin Tieber superfan is in custody for contaminating the chocolate frogs in efforts to revive the singer’s popularity. Mr. Tieber’s agent did not respond to inquiries.
An insider at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has noted that while preparations for the new school year have gone smoothly thus far despite recent and sudden changes to the staff, it seems a new flock of doxies have taken residence in the countless draperies around the castle. Staff of Hogwarts have been fighting the doxies off with Doxycide as per routine, however this seems to be a bigger job than they'd originally thought.
Doxies typically prefer cold climates and it has been unseasonably warm. Whether the pests were planted there as a revenge scheme from the rumored-to-be bitter former Headmistress Flamel is mere speculation, but it looks as though students may find themselves attacked by more than knowledge on September 1st. Get your knockback jinxes ready, kids!
Shortly after the Daily Prophet's exclusive report on hotel mogul Alaric Montague's recent disappearance, information began flooding in regarding theories on his whereabouts and recent dealings. Some sources claimed to have spotted the wizard in areas as far away as Toronto, Ontario, Canada and Los Angeles, California, USA while one source mentioned a possible inferi outbreak in Turkey in which they'd seen his reanimated corpse.
The most plausible disclosure, however, came from a source close to Montague, who reported that the last person Montague had been in contact with was Arnaude Flamel, Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It is said that Montague, an esteemed member of Hogwarts' Board of Governors, and Headmistress Flamel were meeting to discuss the latest allegations against her disciplinary tactics. It was after such meeting that the disappearance was reported.
Whether the reports are true or not, the question remains: What happened to Alaric Montague, and will his family soon find the closure they deserve?
Japanese researcher Natsu Amori warned of global warming patterns affecting giant squid populations. The Japanese Ministry has formally reached out to urge the courtship between Hogwarts's Giant Squid and their national treasure, Ritsuko. Ritsuko is 56 years old and likes eating freshwater prawns.
The face of Gobstone leagues nationwide could be set to change with this latest alteration to the regulations to be considered. The Gobstones Anti-doping Authority (GADA) have today announced that they are considering mandating the size of a standard gobstone as 7” in diameter, rather than the current 5”. A representative stated that "it is more difficult to thieve victory with heavier stones". This has resulted in general outcry from the Alliance of Gobstoners, releasing a statement including “such drastic measures will alter the Gobstone League, nay, the very world in ways that common folk could not possibly imagine.” Other specialists argue we may shortly have a stone shortage on our hands that will affect muggles and wizards alike.
As winter approaches, the well-known Whomping Willow in the Hogwarts grounds has been growing grumpy in its old age. Reports suggest that the Willow has been thwarting students from impossibly far away, particularly those seen to be fraternising. While some believe this is a PDA deterrent put in place by Headmistress Flamel, others are crying out for the removal of the elderly plant. Allegedly, this matter will be tabled at school council Monday week. Is this the last winter we’ll have to bear with the wretched Willow? Or will the tree-hugging students swoop in to save the day?
Even first years know about vanishing steps, but things appear to have gotten out of hand between the hallowed halls of Hogwarts. Sources say entire staircases have been vanishing. Not simply moving or changing direction, totally vanished! There one moment, gone the next. All fun and games as an excuse to be late to class, until someone ends up in the Hospital Wing with a body of broken bones. We’ll keep you abreast of the situation as it develops…
Hey, hey, hey - welcome to the new Potterwatch.
This is Howler speaking. If you're listening to this, maybe you're looking to escape the latest tyranny at Hogwarts. Rumor has it that Lame Flame will be administering Veritaserum to all students caught defacing school property with lies. In the Great Hall.
If you want to guard your secrets, don't get caught, my friends. Howler out.
Affronted mum of student who flooded the fifth floor launches a campaign against the Weasleys' shop. Pamphlets rain down every morning in the Great Hall, lecturing on the liberal leniencies by the headmaster and violence against bums due to inadequate safety warning labels on WWW's fireworks.
Something - or someone - has fired up the ghosts in a stir. Strange murmurs fill the corridors as castle denizens gossip about what could have inspired such lively activity. A ghostly uprising is the most popular theory, though no one seems to be prepared for more than an unpleasant tingle.