This is an urgent message from your Ministry health department. Chocolate frogs, manufactured and purchased in the last two weeks, are on recall. No individuals should consume these chocolate frogs due to a small batch being tainted by WonderWitch Love Potions. A Dustin Tieber superfan is in custody for contaminating the chocolate frogs in efforts to revive the singer’s popularity. Mr. Tieber’s agent did not respond to inquiries.
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An insider at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has noted that while preparations for the new school year have gone smoothly thus far despite recent and sudden changes to the staff, it seems a new flock of doxies have taken residence in the countless draperies around the castle. Staff of Hogwarts have been fighting the doxies off with Doxycide as per routine, however this seems to be a bigger job than they'd originally thought.
Doxies typically prefer cold climates and it has been unseasonably warm. Whether the pests were planted there as a revenge scheme from the rumored-to-be bitter former Headmistress Flamel is mere speculation, but it looks as though students may find themselves attacked by more than knowledge on September 1st. Get your knockback jinxes ready, kids!
Shortly after the Daily Prophet's exclusive report on hotel mogul Alaric Montague's recent disappearance, information began flooding in regarding theories on his whereabouts and recent dealings. Some sources claimed to have spotted the wizard in areas as far away as Toronto, Ontario, Canada and Los Angeles, California, USA while one source mentioned a possible inferi outbreak in Turkey in which they'd seen his reanimated corpse.
The most plausible disclosure, however, came from a source close to Montague, who reported that the last person Montague had been in contact with was Arnaude Flamel, Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It is said that Montague, an esteemed member of Hogwarts' Board of Governors, and Headmistress Flamel were meeting to discuss the latest allegations against her disciplinary tactics. It was after such meeting that the disappearance was reported.
Whether the reports are true or not, the question remains: What happened to Alaric Montague, and will his family soon find the closure they deserve?
Japanese researcher Natsu Amori warned of global warming patterns affecting giant squid populations. The Japanese Ministry has formally reached out to urge the courtship between Hogwarts's Giant Squid and their national treasure, Ritsuko. Ritsuko is 56 years old and likes eating freshwater prawns.
The face of Gobstone leagues nationwide could be set to change with this latest alteration to the regulations to be considered. The Gobstones Anti-doping Authority (GADA) have today announced that they are considering mandating the size of a standard gobstone as 7” in diameter, rather than the current 5”. A representative stated that "it is more difficult to thieve victory with heavier stones". This has resulted in general outcry from the Alliance of Gobstoners, releasing a statement including “such drastic measures will alter the Gobstone League, nay, the very world in ways that common folk could not possibly imagine.” Other specialists argue we may shortly have a stone shortage on our hands that will affect muggles and wizards alike.
As winter approaches, the well-known Whomping Willow in the Hogwarts grounds has been growing grumpy in its old age. Reports suggest that the Willow has been thwarting students from impossibly far away, particularly those seen to be fraternising. While some believe this is a PDA deterrent put in place by Headmistress Flamel, others are crying out for the removal of the elderly plant. Allegedly, this matter will be tabled at school council Monday week. Is this the last winter we’ll have to bear with the wretched Willow? Or will the tree-hugging students swoop in to save the day?
Even first years know about vanishing steps, but things appear to have gotten out of hand between the hallowed halls of Hogwarts. Sources say entire staircases have been vanishing. Not simply moving or changing direction, totally vanished! There one moment, gone the next. All fun and games as an excuse to be late to class, until someone ends up in the Hospital Wing with a body of broken bones. We’ll keep you abreast of the situation as it develops…
Hey, hey, hey - welcome to the new Potterwatch.
This is Howler speaking. If you're listening to this, maybe you're looking to escape the latest tyranny at Hogwarts. Rumor has it that Lame Flame will be administering Veritaserum to all students caught defacing school property with lies. In the Great Hall.
If you want to guard your secrets, don't get caught, my friends. Howler out.
Altruists Greta Lunes, Alexis Endicus and Isabella Carter are giving away sweets and administering a survey in the name of friendship in the Great Hall. Get it while it’s hot!
Affronted mum of student who flooded the fifth floor launches a campaign against the Weasleys' shop. Pamphlets rain down every morning in the Great Hall, lecturing on the liberal leniencies by the headmaster and violence against bums due to inadequate safety warning labels on WWW's fireworks.
A tsunami of toilet water has overtaken the fifth floor after a firework made the unfortunate fall from a troublemaker's pocket. Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes could not be reached for further comment.
Party at the lakefront! Merfolk are celebrating the birth of a new generation under the black lake, and it's sure to get rowdy. Bring your own butterbeer, and mind the Giant Squid.
Something - or someone - has fired up the ghosts in a stir. Strange murmurs fill the corridors as castle denizens gossip about what could have inspired such lively activity. A ghostly uprising is the most popular theory, though no one seems to be prepared for more than an unpleasant tingle.
A garden gnome pillaged all of the mittens from the Greenhouses last night. The suspect is described as ten-inches tall, middle-aged and wearing an oversized fedora. If seen, please report to Professor Nash. Falsely accusing any first years of the crime will result in a full investigation!
Students are encouraged to dress warmly even in costume, as temperatures hover around 5C/41F. Also: avoid the unused classroom, which temporarily has been taken over by spiderwebs due to some overzealous Halloween fans.
The Accidental Magical Reversal Squad were called to a flat in Birmingham on Tuesday after a young boy inadvertently prompted the cutlery to perform Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 23. 16 Muggles had their memories of the event wiped. The young wizard in question—a Mr. Andrew Vane—was enjoying his eighth birthday party at the time.
A new speed-flying record was set by Welshman Rhodri Howell this weekend. He managed the standard ten mile circuit in only 3.45 minutes on his trusty Ridgeback Racer.
The Wizarding World is suffering its latest bought of the Accio Flu. Make sure to wash your hands after every meal and toss two pinches of newt's lung behind your back before leaving the house to avoid infection. When sneezing, the Accio Flu will summon and permanently attach any foreign objects to your person — and sometimes, foreign persons to your person, as well. Stay Healthy.
Clarice Merriden, lead guitarist for The Custard Tarts, has revealed details of a new side project called The Screaming Banshees. The Isle of Man native announced the news at her recent Diagon Alley signing and revealed that fans could expect an album in 2031.
Odessa Tutella has been dismissed as caretaker at the Knightly Home for Orphaned Boys after it was discovered her unauthorized portkey led to the short disappearance of a boy last spring. The former Hufflepuff has refused to grant us an interview and has retired to her sister’s house in Tottenham.
After a long, long summer, Hogwarts castle seems to be particularly lonely. Activity has been reported all over the castle, mostly of the moving staircase on the fifth floor that loves trapping first years.
Students are warned to not keep their owls in the West Tower until newbie caretaker? giant? hobo? (Professor) Urguy investigates the source of the owls' excessive.... you know.
Pocket sneakoscopes have gone off intermittently since whispers of a ginger menace began to circulate.
As September rolls in, temperatures slip to 60F/15C. Lamb is in abundance, and the elves are busy in the Kitchens preparing warm, comforting lamb stew every Tuesday.
► As September rolls in, temperatures slip to 60F/15C. Lamb is in abundance, and the elves are busy in the Kitchens preparing warm, comforting lamb stew every Tuesday.
► Pocket sneakoscopes have gone off intermittently since whispers of a ginger menace began to circulate.
► After a long, long summer, Hogwarts castle seems to be particularly lonely. Activity has been reported all over the castle, mostly of the moving staircase on the fifth floor that loves trapping first years.
► Students are warned to not keep their owls in the West Tower until newbie caretaker? giant? hobo? (Professor) Urguy investigates the source of the owls' excessive.... you know.
► Odessa Tutella has been dismissed as caretaker at the Knightly Home for Orphaned Boys after it was discovered her unauthorized portkey led to the short disappearance of a boy last spring. The former Hufflepuff has refused to grant us an interview and has retired to her sister’s house in Tottenham.
► Clarice Merriden, lead guitarist for The Custard Tarts, has revealed details of a new side project called The Screaming Banshees. The Isle of Man native announced the news at her recent Diagon Alley signing and revealed that fans could expect an album in 2031.
► The Wizarding World is suffering its latest bought of the Accio Flu. Make sure to wash your hands after every meal and toss two pinches of newt's lung behind your back before leaving the house to avoid infection. When sneezing, the Accio Flu will summon and permanently attach and foreign objects to your person — and sometimes, foreign persons to your person, as well. Stay Healthy.
PIXIE: Avada kewoooo! I'm your host Pixie Pilda and that was So Fluffy You Gon' Die, the Pygmy Puffs' well-intentioned transition into rap.
WALDEN: That failed. A year ago.
PIXIE: Hey, I like it. No need to harsh my buzz, Walden.
WALDEN: You know putting 'pixie' in front of it doesn't make your name any less weird, right?
PIXIE: Anyway! It's time for some news from Durmstrang. We're a few days out of the first task of the Triwiz Tourney but the headlines are still rolling in.
WALDEN: Did that Hogwarts girl die yet?
PIXIE: Insensitive much? Avada kegeez Walden. No, H.G. Briony Prosser is said to be recovering from her exposure to that stanky Nundu breath, but some people are calling it a straight up assassination attempt. That Nundu was the only creature imported from a whole 'nother continent. Funny how Hogwarts got landed with that monster while what did Durmstrang have to round up? A bunch of elves?
WALDEN: I don't think Erklings are elves, strictly speaking.
PIXIE: Whatever, it's favoritism either way. The whole thing's rigged I bet. That falcon kid Everard loves so much is going to take the Cup in the end. And he's nothing but hype. He didn't even place top in his school, did he?
WALDEN: No, that was his sister. And Blomqvist was next best for Durmstrang.
PIXIE: Ew but he looks like a chew toy in the after photos. Do you think that's why Jana didn't go in for the victory kiss? Afraid he was about to turn into one of those gross little things?
WALDEN: They're not werewolves either. Did you ever study magical creatures?
PIXIE: Nope! On to more important matters, tournament frontrunner Kasper Kats has made the shortlist for Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. Let's be real though, no one's looking at his smile. Gotta love those Quidditch players, they'll take off their shirts anywhere. Avada keyum.
WALDEN: How on earth is that important?
PIXIE: It just is. Ladies send in your votes today!
WALDEN: Moving on... The tournament coordinators are getting some heat from WEDI — that's Wizards for Ethical Dragon Interaction — because champion Latocia Évalisse is said to have done permanent harm to the Ukrainian Ironbelly that the Beauxbatons team caged. The judges docked her heavily for those runes she etched onto its wing but extremists are demanding she be removed from the competition entirely.
PIXIE: I just want to know where she gets her hair done. It's so...red. Avada kefierce!
WALDEN: This is serious.
PIXIE: So am I! And that's enough news for now, back to the tunes. Here's Can't Obliviate My Heart by Wand Direction.