Wizarding Wireless Network

An insider at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has noted that while preparations for the new school year have gone smoothly thus far despite recent and sudden changes to the staff, it seems a new flock of doxies have taken residence in the countless draperies around the castle. Staff of Hogwarts have been fighting the doxies off with Doxycide as per routine, however this seems to be a bigger job than they'd originally thought.

Doxies typically prefer cold climates and it has been unseasonably warm. Whether the pests were planted there as a revenge scheme from the rumored-to-be bitter former Headmistress Flamel is mere speculation, but it looks as though students may find themselves attacked by more than knowledge on September 1st.  Get your knockback jinxes ready, kids!

Shortly after the Daily Prophet's exclusive report on hotel mogul Alaric Montague's recent disappearance, information began flooding in regarding theories on his whereabouts and recent dealings. Some sources claimed to have spotted the wizard in areas as far away as Toronto, Ontario, Canada and Los Angeles, California, USA while one source mentioned a possible inferi outbreak in Turkey in which they'd seen his reanimated corpse.
 

The most plausible disclosure, however, came from a source close to Montague, who reported that the last person Montague had been in contact with was Arnaude Flamel, Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It is said that Montague, an esteemed member of Hogwarts' Board of Governors, and Headmistress Flamel were meeting to discuss the latest allegations against her disciplinary tactics. It was after such meeting that the disappearance was reported.
 

Whether the reports are true or not, the question remains: What happened to Alaric Montague, and will his family soon find the closure they deserve?

Japanese researcher Natsu Amori warned of global warming patterns affecting giant squid populations. The Japanese Ministry has formally reached out to urge the courtship between Hogwarts's Giant Squid and their national treasure, Ritsuko. Ritsuko is 56 years old and likes eating freshwater prawns.

The face of Gobstone leagues nationwide could be set to change with this latest alteration to the regulations to be considered. The Gobstones Anti-doping Authority (GADA) have today announced that they are considering mandating the size of a standard gobstone as 7” in diameter, rather than the current 5”. A representative stated that "it is more difficult to thieve victory with heavier stones". This has resulted in general outcry from the Alliance of Gobstoners, releasing a statement including “such drastic measures will alter the Gobstone League, nay, the very world in ways that common folk could not possibly imagine.” Other specialists argue we may shortly have a stone shortage on our hands that will affect muggles and wizards alike.

As winter approaches, the well-known Whomping Willow in the Hogwarts grounds has been growing grumpy in its old age. Reports suggest that the Willow has been thwarting students from impossibly far away, particularly those seen to be fraternising. While some believe this is a PDA deterrent put in place by Headmistress Flamel, others are crying out for the removal of the elderly plant. Allegedly, this matter will be tabled at school council Monday week. Is this the last winter we’ll have to bear with the wretched Willow? Or will the tree-hugging students swoop in to save the day?

Even first years know about vanishing steps, but things appear to have gotten out of hand between the hallowed halls of Hogwarts. Sources say entire staircases have been vanishing. Not simply moving or changing direction, totally vanished! There one moment, gone the next. All fun and games as an excuse to be late to class, until someone ends up in the Hospital Wing with a body of broken bones. We’ll keep you abreast of the situation as it develops…

Affronted mum of student who flooded the fifth floor launches a campaign against the Weasleys' shop. Pamphlets rain down every morning in the Great Hall, lecturing on the liberal leniencies by the headmaster and violence against bums due to inadequate safety warning labels on WWW's fireworks.

A tsunami of toilet water has overtaken the fifth floor after a firework made the unfortunate fall from a troublemaker's pocket. Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes could not be reached for further comment.

A garden gnome pillaged all of the mittens from the Greenhouses last night. The suspect is described as ten-inches tall, middle-aged and wearing an oversized fedora. If seen, please report to Professor Nash. Falsely accusing any first years of the crime will result in a full investigation!

Students are encouraged to dress warmly even in costume, as temperatures hover around 5C/41F. Also: avoid the unused classroom, which temporarily has been taken over by spiderwebs due to some overzealous Halloween fans.

The Accidental Magical Reversal Squad were called to a flat in Birmingham on Tuesday after a young boy inadvertently prompted the cutlery to perform Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 23. 16 Muggles had their memories of the event wiped. The young wizard in question—a Mr. Andrew Vane—was enjoying his eighth birthday party at the time.

A new speed-flying record was set by Welshman Rhodri Howell this weekend. He managed the standard ten mile circuit in only 3.45 minutes on his trusty Ridgeback Racer.

The Wizarding World is suffering its latest bought of the Accio Flu. Make sure to wash your hands after every meal and toss two pinches of newt's lung behind your back before leaving the house to avoid infection. When sneezing, the Accio Flu will summon and permanently attach any foreign objects to your person — and sometimes, foreign persons to your person, as well. Stay Healthy.

Clarice Merriden, lead guitarist for The Custard Tarts, has revealed details of a new side project called The Screaming Banshees. The Isle of Man native announced the news at her recent Diagon Alley signing and revealed that fans could expect an album in 2031.

Odessa Tutella has been dismissed as caretaker at the Knightly Home for Orphaned Boys after it was discovered her unauthorized portkey led to the short disappearance of a boy last spring. The former Hufflepuff has refused to grant us an interview and has retired to her sister’s house in Tottenham.

After a long, long summer, Hogwarts castle seems to be particularly lonely. Activity has been reported all over the castle, mostly of the moving staircase on the fifth floor that loves trapping first years.

Students are warned to not keep their owls in the West Tower until newbie caretaker? giant? hobo? (Professor) Urguy investigates the source of the owls' excessive.... you know.

As September rolls in, temperatures slip to 60F/15C. Lamb is in abundance, and the elves are busy in the Kitchens preparing warm, comforting lamb stew every Tuesday.

► As September rolls in, temperatures slip to 60F/15C. Lamb is in abundance, and the elves are busy in the Kitchens preparing warm, comforting lamb stew every Tuesday.

► Pocket sneakoscopes have gone off intermittently since whispers of a ginger menace began to circulate.

► After a long, long summer, Hogwarts castle seems to be particularly lonely. Activity has been reported all over the castle, mostly of the moving staircase on the fifth floor that loves trapping first years.

► Students are warned to not keep their owls in the West Tower until newbie caretaker? giant? hobo? (Professor) Urguy investigates the source of the owls' excessive.... you know.

► Odessa Tutella has been dismissed as caretaker at the Knightly Home for Orphaned Boys after it was discovered her unauthorized portkey led to the short disappearance of a boy last spring. The former Hufflepuff has refused to grant us an interview and has retired to her sister’s house in Tottenham.

► Clarice Merriden, lead guitarist for The Custard Tarts, has revealed details of a new side project called The Screaming Banshees. The Isle of Man native announced the news at her recent Diagon Alley signing and revealed that fans could expect an album in 2031.

► The Wizarding World is suffering its latest bought of the Accio Flu. Make sure to wash your hands after every meal and toss two pinches of newt's lung behind your back before leaving the house to avoid infection. When sneezing, the Accio Flu will summon and permanently attach and foreign objects to your person — and sometimes, foreign persons to your person, as well. Stay Healthy.

► Overnight, a great portable swamp has been released in the corridor outside the library. Is this an act of an overworked student or could it be attributed to the rising trend of vandalism at Hogwarts? Mrs. Norris has started stringent hourly patrols.

► A recall has been issued for as many as 26,000 boxes of Cheeri Owls for possible glass contamination in one of their ingredients, skrewt oil.

►Britain sees the largest flock of owls in the sky since the day You-Know-Who was defeated: tickets for The Pygmy Puffs' holiday concert have gone on sale, and only 1,000 lucky witches or wizards will make attendance. In response to the band's announcement of their pygmy puffs performing synchronized swimming on stage in late December, pygmy puff rights groups have launched an aggressive campaign to boycott the concert.

► Chad Knox will be live tonight, dishing out the odds on Durmstrang champions. Don't miss it or the recent string of articles at the Daily Prophet detailling trouble at the grand Triwizard Tournament.

► With the students’ release from exams, most to the warmth of well-missed homes or otherwise to the empty castle, torrential downpours have started all about the country, turning it into the wettest winter yet.

► A mysterious clank-clanking has been heard coming from the unused classroom’s closet. A head count of students before winter break confirmed that no one is missing, so the staff has been warned that the castle likely has another visitor in the form of a ghoul. The Ghoul Task Force has been scheduled for a visit.

► Equally mysterious is how girls and boys everywhere are finding themselves matched to their one true champion. Did Witch Weekly hire Seers for this project?

► Chaos erupted at the Ministry of Magic when a pygmy puff activist group sent a package with an extensive extension charm, releasing hundreds of the furry critters in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Personnel are advised to not condone cuddling with any escaped pygmy puffs. Please return them to the front desk.

► Despite repeated requests for interviews about the upcoming first task of the Triwizard Tournament, Official Zotkin has promised all "a good show" to look for. Now, if only tickets to Durmstrang weren't rarer than ones to the Pygmy Puffs' winter concert.

► Blame Herbert t-shirts have recently become “all the rage” on the international fashion scene.

► The comic book Snapeman has recently released a new line of action figures. Rumor has it there’s a removable hooked nose involved. Get your order in today!

►A litter of blast-ended skrewts appears to have made the rose gardens its home. Students should approach with caution.

► In Quidditch League news, this week's game took place in overly windy conditions, resulting in at least one weather related injury. The Montrose Magpies defeated Puddlemere United, 190 to 50, with leading goal scorers Rose Weasley of Montrose, Montgomery Wotherspoon and Elliot Golden of Puddlemere. Ultimately, the snitch was caught by Lellybelly Thanrion of Montrose, resulting in their victory.

► For Valentine's, Madam Puddifoot received a new shipment of self-writing love notes. An undetected defect however will cause, when left unattended, the self-writing love notes to write very rude letters. Love you too, poopbrains.

► The Whomping Willow has been particularly angry as of late and will whomp any passersby. Its anger is exceptionally vicious toward couples.

► Rumours are swirling throughout the magical music scene of a long-awaited new album from The Every Flavour Boys, after the group tried out new material at their one-off concert in the Peak District last month. If true, this will be the bands first new release since 2018.

► 14 year old boy (Noah Knightly) reported missing from the Knightly Home for Orphaned Boys on February the 1st. Please contact the authorities if you have any information regarding the missing boy.

► Meanwhile, at Durmstrang, despite outcry over the second task, Official Zotkin has been mute on the suspicious going-ons about the still frozen lakes which have been deemed off-limits to all except Ministry workers or the groundskeeper.

► Noah Knightly was found in Puddlemere. The 14 year old squib claims to have no knowledge as to how he made the journey beyond a yanking pull on his belly and Authorities have to wonder what an unregistered portkey was doing at an orphanage.

► Wizarding Fashion Week (this year held in Leeds, Yorkshire) was a roaring success, with the ‘it’ colours of Spring and Summer named as canary yellow, lavender and olive green.

► Rumors spread that a wild werewolf has been seen on Hogwarts grounds. The incident still remains under investigation, though many suspect the recently outed werewolf, Elodie Aldridge, to be suspect.

► Tension, bad romance and camaraderie on display at the end-of-the-year ball. An autograph from Triwizard Tournament champion Briony Prosser may well be worth 1000 galleons one day so be sure to get yours today.