9 June 2016
[A small snippet in the “Across the UK” section]
A Mr. Henry Wallace was reported missing late last night after his neighbor, Quidditch enthusiast Frett Barve, called the authorities to deal with Mr. Wallace’s pet crup. To the Ministry Official’s dismay, Mr. Wallace was not present. The media was told that there was “nothing to worry about,” as Mr. Wallace, age 59, “We have no reason to suspect foul play, but we do have reason to believe he was off visiting his brother.”
Henry Wallace may be best known in the Eastern European potions community for his publication of Potions You Should(n’t) Know, a piece detailing the uses of primarily illegal ingredients in potions.
5 March 2016
My first impression upon attending the Annual International Wizarding Gardening Competition, held this year in New Zealand, was that it would be a waste of my lovely Saturday. I never knew that I would walk away with a new respect for the gardeners; my hands are black and blue, and their manicured hands look just as good as their manicured lawns.
I’m jealous. I don’t have a green thumb, it seems.
Gardening is something that I would never have thought to be competitive, or a competition, or so darn complicated. I learned how to prune a mean Chinese Chomping Cabbage without fatal injuries, came to the realization that no matter how nicely you disguise a Devil’s Snare, gardeners can smell it from a mile away (and it ends up as a pile of ashes), and that Fanged Geraniums are bloody scary. Not only did one try to eat me, but I don’t think I’ll be able to hold a fork for a week. I did come to own a Flutterby bush; did you know they’re nice assets to your gardens?
And fertilizers? Don’t come between a gardener and their fertilizer. There were some ruthless debates about the differences between dragon dung and, well…other dung (I didn't stick around that conversation for long), and the merits of self-fertilizing shrubs.
But my personal favorite? Honking daffodils. Not only do they drive your neighbors crazy, but they get high marks in the competition. Something about accenting bushes, or tress. Oh? And Mimbulus mimbletonias? People still don’t know what they do. I would love to highlight my favorite division, Contorting Cereals, but in light of my recent article, I want to point a finger in the direction of the Grand Champion of Gardening, Hortensia Gavilbets, and her assistant, Wilbur Hegglesby.
They informed me, after their win, about how long it takes a gardener to prepare. Aside from trying to deny nature’s natural seasons, a perfect garden can take over a year. Sprouts can die, a drought can occur, and gnomes (a gardener’s worst enemy) can infest a garden and completely ruin everything. I never really understood how much work goes into a garden. Granted, the only thing I can grow are weeds, but still.
Gardening for these ladies and gentlemen are jobs and hobbies, even hobbies turned into jobs. It takes a lot of effort, and plenty of bruises and sore thumbs, but who knew that every year, this competition takes place?
- Candace Smith
28 December 2014
As we all know, the School of Hogwarts has long been burdened with the necessity to, frankly, pay for everything done. This was somewhat alleviated by the generous donations of Lucius Malfoy, philanthropist and a former governor of the school. However, since this wonderful man has been labeled as missing, so has much of the financial support of the school. This has led to such events as the disbanding of clubs as well as several delays in the reconstruction of the Quidditch Pitch during the year following, which has since been completed.
This leaves professionals such as Marvin McLawlercaek in awe as to how they plan to open a large, Quidditch Pitch sized pool in what will be what formerly was the Rose Gardens. “It’s complete garbage, that!” said McLawlercaek, also a resident of Hogsmeade. What’s more, the pool is planned to be open to no one other than the faculty and staff of the school, leaving the common witches and wizards, including the students, out of the proverbial loop. This leaves McLawlercaek flustered with the blatant insensitivity.
The estimated cost of a project like this is overwhelming, and must be taken out of the budget somewhere. The Prophet fears that Hogwarts has not been properly nourishing its students, and will be taking a detailed look at the problem to get to the bottom of it all. All of this prompts the question: is Weasley ready to run a school? Owl us in with your thoughts.
On an unrelated note, we’ll have coverage on Scotland’s counterfeit financial documents case later.
29 December 2014
Yes, I admit it. Quidditch rules my life. My boyfriend loves me for it, my best friend hates me for it, and my parents wish they had never bought me that old, trusty Eagle Pro. I’ve been to more games than I can count, thrown things at officiators who make horrible calls, and booed plenty of teams. To me, Quidditch is oxygen.
So, you can imagine my aggravation when I returned to my alma mater, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, to witness yet another defeat of perhaps the best team ever to fly brooms. I don’t think it’s quite understood, or appreciated, how amazing this team is. They work together fabulously, pull off plays flawlessly, and have fun. Not to mention they work harder than any team I've witnessed. And I've witnessed plenty of professional Quidditch team practices.
No one knows.
The Hufflepuff Quidditch Team has won one (just one) Quidditch cup in the entire history of the rebuilding of Hogwarts. The very first one doesn't even count as one, as the rules have been updated and refined, and it was snatched out of their hands immediately after. The team is made up of some of the best kids in the bunch, who work their hardest, and they have NEVER WON. I want to spotlight people who have never had the glory of the win. So far, the Hufflepuff Quidditch Team is the best team to have never won the coveted Quidditch Cup. No contest. None.
You may scoff at this article, or me, and say that I have reporter bias. I don’t care. Sure, I was a Hufflepuff. Sure, I played on the team. But since I left, those children have exceeded any expectation. They've surpassed goals, and certainly passed me as a player. They've improved so much. I watch them, and I am proud to say I know those girls and (so few) guys. Not flew with them. KNOW them.
Congratulations to Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Gryffindor. By no means did you play badly; I just think it’s time for those who aren't in the spotlight to finally be seen.
In my next few columns, I hope to highlight those lesser-known peoples, groups, and/or teams. You’ll meet the winner of the International Gardening Competition, lesser-known Quidditch players, Ministry workers. These people don’t work for fame, or recognition. They do what they do because they want to. I think it’s time they got some recognition for their effort. Feel free to contact me with any suggestions of people to give a few fleeting moments of fame. It’s nothing much, but it’s a start. The Wizarding World isn't made up of the big-shots; it’s the people behind the scenes that really make us tick.
Stick around for the Ms. Smith’s next article, coverage on New Zealand’s Gardening Competition, next week, only in the Daily Prophet.
Note: The thoughts and opinions expressed here are not necessarily that of the Daily Prophet. But they might be.
- Candace Smith
22 October 2014
Last Tuesday a terrible breach in security occurred in the Dark Creatures Observation Facility when two children-eating trolls escaped from their enclosures, demonstrating a high risk for the staff, which has since been under heavy assault from the unleashed dark creatures, battling to obtain control over the havoc they have created.
This happened only a day after a third year class of Hogwarts was taken to a visit there as part of a practical lesson on Banshees, which can also be found in this structure. Luckily enough, they missed this terrible accident and avoided any sort of injuries. The visit had gone with no difficulties and the students had returned safely to Hogwarts.
The facilitation was opened more than a decade ago, and with only a few minor mishaps, nothing as serious as this has happened.
“I have spent over ten years studying the creatures in this place, and never have I seen them so aggressive as during this break out. I realize they are dark creatures and it’s in their nature to be violent, but this is insane, lad,” commented Donal Magee, director of the DCO and a preeminent expert in the study of dark creatures.
Now the Magizoologists are trying to discover what was the cause for this escape in a highly-monitored facility such as the DCO. There are no suspects or any reason to assume that this as done by an outside source, but the Daily Prophet discovered an investigation is taking place nonetheless.
22 October 2014
A few days ago an article by the name of Missing Historian Found made headlines on The Daily Prophet covering the death of famed historian Tobias Bradshaw. Now, while the cause of death is of known nature it doesn’t fail to surprise our reader the whereabouts of Mr. Bradshaw on his death night. Karn Alley, the equivalent if not the complete over the top competitor to Knockturn Alley, has been the source of much news in the past, thus making it the perfect location for such a death. However, it could attract the inquisitive minds of those who will, of course, launch false accusations and pin-point the blame on those who aren’t to be blamed- to investigate as to why Mr. Bradshaw was in Karn Alley.
But the true question is not what Tobias Bradshaw’s business in Karn Alley was or who killed such a respected Historian. The true question lies in: Is the Ministry of Magic reading between the lines? Tobias Bradshaw was not killed by magical means, but was it so the ministry wouldn’t trace the source of magic? Will the death of Tobias Bradshaw be labeled as “accidental” without any further evidence to prove the contrary? Or will an investigation be launched to catch the guilty party of this murder?
It would be a shame, for the Ministry of Magic to cover up another suspicious death, as they had been known to do in the past. Hopefully matters concerning this death will be made known to the public and the smoke be cleared from this untimely death of a respected man.
- L.E. Cleery
1 October 2014
I have hated the Chudley Cannons for some time now. Ever since I could remember, actually. I was reminded of this hatred a few days ago when I “attended” the “semi-finals” of a district Quidditch Cup. It was a joke. The Cannons should have tried to play without a broomstick.
The results would've been the same.
As a devout Quidditch fan, and a good player (if I do say so myself), it is brutally embarrassing to watch a game, any game, involving the Chudley Cannons. I would rather be trampled by a centaur than sit through a whole game.
Why? Well, isn’t it obvious?
Okay. For those who don’t find it obvious, let me explain. Number one: They wear bright orange. They’re a horror on the eyes. And believe me. I have a high tolerance for bright colors- I’m a former Hufflepuff. But bright orange? No thanks.
Number two: Any team who names themselves after cannons should at least be as fast as one, right? Not the Cannons. They are slower than cannons. It is quite painful to watch. Their interceptions are non-existent, their Keeper can’t seem to see the Quaffle coming towards him and always misses (and, might I add, A Keeper’s JOB is only to block the Quaffle and throw it back. As boring as it may be, it’s not that difficult), their bludgers are aimed towards the wrong people (if they can make it to a bludger in time to hit it), and the Seeker doesn't know the Snitch has been sighted until the Snitch rests in the opposing Seeker’s hand.
Honestly? It’s pathetic.
How the Cannons have fans, I’ll never know. I certainly am no a fan, and I feel bad for anyone who truly admires them- they obviously don’t know the difference between good and bad Quidditch teams. Granted, I did convert a Cannons fan the other day. Ask me about that topic- it’s really quite enjoyable. I thank him for finally seeing reason.
On a brighter note: I do like how the Cannons are so easily beaten. Thanks for pushing the Arrows up in the standings.
- Candace Smith
19 September 2014
The Romanian Littles won in a stunning feat against the new England Rumblers in the annual International Gobstones Tournament. The Rumblers, having sustained an unwavering winning season for their first season ever (including a grand total of zero losses) turned for the worse in the final of the Tournament. The Littles left the tournament in tears of joy, clinging to the trophy for dear life.
The Daily Prophet would like to congratulate the Rumblers on a good season and wish their captain, Ron Shady, good luck in the oncoming year.
21 September 2014
As some of you have undoubtedly heard, the ball in commemoration of the Battle of Hogwarts was turned into a disaster zone in what could most adequately explained as “preposterous.” The ball, fitting the day of commemoration dutifully, did appear to be a battle zone shortly after the dear Professor Neville Longbottom gave a short and riveting speech with the help of a rather aloof Luna Lovegood, in what leaves the few meager investigators baffled.
The students, dressed up as various creatures, inanimate objects, people of prestige and others were seemingly unwilling guinea pigs to an anonymous prankster’s idea of a good time. Transforming, in mind and body, to the item or being they were dressed up as, a scene that witnesses describe as “wicked,” (oh, the poor souls) was made. Fire breathing dragons, the late Albus Dumbledore, and even fairy princesses were just a few of the oddities. Various others of increasing danger to others were there, readers should note.
No casualties have been encountered, through some luck.
That night, Hogwarts was dressed in chaos. Ministry officials assure us that no foul play is suspected beyond the obvious. It is with an un-bias air that I offer my opinion to who I’m sure is an avid reader: Headmaster Arthur Weasley. Tighten your leash on the little miscreants of Hogwarts (though we assure those reading this article, it is not your children I refer to as such) to the point where such activity as jinxing clothing or hexing professors is quite near impossible.
After such events as the kidnapping the year before, Hogwarts is still on edge. Perhaps soon our dearest Hogwarts Headmaster will realize the intensity of even simple student pranks are to the safety and trust in his school.
23 September 2014
In a shocking turn of events, missing Historian Tobias Bradshaw has been found – or most of him, anyway.
At 4am this morning, whilst most of us were at home asleep, safely tucked away in our beds dreaming, the infamous Karn Alley was awash with scandal; even more so than usual. For the first time since The Agreement, well over fifty years ago, Aurors apparated into the degraded, carnal streets of East London’s most famed quarter. The Wizarding World knew something was up when they were not immediately hexed for crossing the agreed boundary between the London we all know and love and the immoral streets of Karn Alley, where even the Ministry of Magic is powerless, and all law has long since been forgotten.
Within seconds our correspondent had the Prophet informed, and we were the first reporters on the scene as the Aurors strode through the streets confidently, a clear purpose in mind. A purpose that turned out to be both gruesome and horrifying, and came in the form of two parts – two body parts, that is.
Tobias Bradshaw, world-renowned Historian, owner of the largest collection of privately-owned historical artifacts and, as we are more likely to know him, author of Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century, was the cause for this historical breaking of The Agreement between the patrons of Karn Alley and the Ministry. At precisely 5:23am this morning Tobias’s Bradshaw’s body was found in a deserted warehouse, headless.
Tied to a chair, with several broken fingers, bruises and cuts, a jagged, crusting stump at the end of his neck, the picture of Tobias Bradshaw painted a tragic picture. The head, later recovered, had rolled across the floor of the warehouse to lie against the wall. The worst part of it all? Tobias Bradshaw had not been killed by magic, or any magical item known to man; his head had been removed from his body by a common Muggle axe, which lay gleaming in the far corner of the warehouse, with absolutely no trace of magic on it whatsoever.
The patrons of Karn Alley are just as lost as the Ministry, claiming that the decapitated body has brought bad luck upon this end of the quarter. Originally, suspicion had fallen on the Headless Barman of the Executioner’s Block, however these theories have long since been quenched, by a flawless alibi and a closer inspection of the headless body the pub uses itself to ward off bad luck. In this, the Ministry have no clues, no leads, and no suspects.
Here at the Prophet, however, we believe this is another factor in the long list of strange occurrences currently plaguing the Wizarding World, having started with the raid on the James Library several years ago. It appears that someone is in desperate need of something (or someone), and will stop at nothing to get it.
Our condolences go out to the bereaved family of Tobias Bradshaw, and his three children, aged 2, 4 and 7. Our thoughts are with you.
10 September 2014
Recently, word has reached me that there is an award for whoever finds the stolen texts from the James Institute, broken into little over six months ago. Call me pessimistic, but since when has a reward ever stirred the people of Britain into action? For that matter, when have the people of Britain ever been able to find a supposed ‘wrong-doer’? For years Albus Dumbledore allowed Severus Snape to teach at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, all the while knowing that he was a confirmed Death Eater, working for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and paid with his life for that particular err in judgment.
There has been continued speculation over what was stolen from the James Institute, and why. The Aurors (though as the devoted reader will know, my opinion does not rank very highly of that particular branch of the Ministry), have spent countless hours inside the Institute, tracking people down and investigating what was stolen, and have come up with no leads – or goods. It is almost as if the items in question just vanished into thin air. It would certainly be one reason the Aurors have still not made any progress into the inquiry.
There is no doubt that the James Institute has gained a lot of publicity from this little act, something that Ms. James is surely very pleased about; the dwindling number of investors and visitors must not have been far from her mind at the time. Whilst some investors have pulled out their assets entirely after the incident, others have poured more ‘much needed’ money into the Institute to make sure this atrocity is not repeated. The numbers of visitors now wanting to see what was stolen and where from (no doubt in a greedy attempt to solve the mystery themselves and win the award) has sky-rocketed, and more and more people are interested in the Institute and its belongings.
This writer, however, courteously suggests that Ms. James concentrates not on her own popularity and instead looks into the security of her home. We wouldn’t want anything tragic like that to happen again now, would we?
- Professor Vindictus Viridian
2 September 2014
A group of French scientists were apprehended Friday for their possible involvement in the death of Tavis Wigglesworth, former Hogwarts Headmaster. The outlandish group had dropped a knut from the Eiffel Tower to see if it would fall fast enough to sufficiently kill a human being. Wigglesworth was, at the time, visiting Paris and, specifically, the Eiffel Tower.
More need not be said.
The beloved headmaster was buried late Saturday afternoon in a public ceremony off the coast of Scotland. Dozens flocked to pay their last respects to the man that had done so much for Hogwarts. As per his last request, Wigglesworth’s epitaph read: “Here lies Tavis Wigglesworth, aged 140. Oh, how the good die young.” The minister had sent his sympathies to the dearly departed Headmaster, but did not attend the ceremony.
2 May 2014
Hogwarts has most recently become a haven to anarchy and chaos, as close to our students as its very own Great Hall! Do not fret, however, this time Hogwarts is a victim of a much less expected attack: the dead.
“I organized the strike to draw attention to the gross disrespect that is being shown toward ghosts and other magical creatures,” said a Sir Nicholas, permanent resident of Hogwarts, and ghost of Gryffindor Tower. “Its time for everybody to realize we have rights and feelings too!”
The effort has so far consisted of mere picket signs and mild distraction, though it does bring up a universal truth around the Wizard World as to the treatment of the deceased. While it has garnered much sympathy from the students, witnesses tell us, it has yet to ascertain a response from the current Headmaster Arthur Weasley.
The movement seems to have inspired those even outside of the castle. Martin Bradley, a longtime ghost of the now derelict Cluney Abbey, has been brought to the Ministry under charges of ‘outlandish activity in the sight of no less than thirteen muggles as he floated through the streets and demanded proper respect from the non-magical community.
31 April 2014
In an effort to reinforce foreign relations in Germany in light of the recent horrendous events at Hogwarts, our very own, very dear old Minister of Magic, Abelard Clagge, discussed the growing concern with vigilante Dark Wizards and even Death Eaters in Europe. Of course, Daily Prophet was on the scene upon his return to find out the truth. The two allied Ministries have, a spokesperson revealed, agreed to crackdown on illegal and explicit paraphernalia trafficking both in and out of the two countries in a joint effort. The crackdown is suspected to have heavy repercussions on the black market.
This news comes only a week after the announcement of additions to the Auror office and progressive movements to expand general Defense Against the Dark Arts knowledge around all of Britain in collaboration with Ireland, which was reviewed in the Daily Prophet Article, The Ministry Revealed, last week. Despite the slowly subduing opposition towards reason, Minister Clagge has motioned to increase Ministry efficiency, which, as records show, has already been done two fold from the previous year.
“The Minister is revolutionizing the Ministry!” said a clearly sensible young wizard in Liverpool last evening. “I feel like [Clagge’s] really made an effort to improve the Ministry. And it shows!” This is, of course, after a muggle was found dead in that very town a month prior, with Death Eaters suspected as the culprits in an effort to further terrorize our communities. Minister Clagge responded to this threat to society with an increased workforce dedicated to the eradication of witches and wizards with malicious intent.
The Minister is expected to appear during a party at the Ministry commemorating the victory at the Battle of Hogwarts with Harry Potter, among other well known celebrities. The scene of Hogwarts will also be sporting a ball to celebrate the historic victory. More to come as events unfold.
14 April 2014
The world went into shock last Wednesday, as it was announced that Marcus Endicus, respected researcher for the Ministry of Magic, perished under suspicious circumstances.
In the past four years, there have been at least fifteen on the job deaths, informs the charming Phineas Paterson, colleague and friend of Endicus. Endicus was just one among many, but obviously enormously devastating to Paterson whose face is tortured.
Although we are informed Endicus died alone and at home, Ministry insiders share that his research recently took him abroad to the famed James Institute, centre of many mysterious discoveries.
The Prophet wonders precisely where Marcus Endicus ties into the Institute, and questions whether his death was actually as innocent as the Ministry would have us believe.
14 April 2014
Professor Connie Fairchild, of Hog-warts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has been placed under inquiry by the Ministry of Magic, for her recklessness in taking an entire class of students into the Forbidden Forest.
Albert Ogden, representative of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, says the Ministry has been concerned for some time about Fairchild’s classes, some of which contain extremely dangerous creatures.
“Sometimes she’s a bit flighty and has these weird ideas about creatures,” says one of her students. “I've always liked her, of course.”
The timing of Professor Fairchild’s class field trip to the forest was inopportune, occurring at the same time as the first of the Death Eater attacks last week. This led to many of Fairchild’s students being captured by the Death Eaters and tortured along with other students.
Charles Larrimore, mediwizard of the Hog-warts’ Hospital Wing, becomes quite impassioned about the idiocy of expeditions to the Forbidden Forest. “The rules clearly state ‘FORBIDDEN’ forest. You have to be thick in the head to want to go inside.”
To be fair, many students enter the forest for quite noble reasons. An older boy requested Annabella Rocks’ assistance, to look for missing people. “I wanted to help people so that they don’t suffer,” she says.
Deirdre Grey, of Hufflepuff, takes a harder line. “It’s not too hard to NOT go in … is it!”
Spike VonHaus, respected and gentlemanly prefect of Slytherin, among those tortured by the Death Eaters, believes that not only is it entirely right that there be an inquiry into Fairchild’s mishap, but claims the carelessness for human life at Hogwarts runs far deeper. He believes there should have been an inquiry “when the dueling club was taken in there and attacked by Acromantula”.
The Prophet is concerned by increasing reports of the school’s laxness on letting students enter the forest, a known habitat for extremely dangerous magical creatures, in addition to the suspected lair of much Death Eater activity.
But why on earth would Fairchild, with full knowledge of this, take her class in there?
“I don’t know,” says Lux Hawkins of Hufflepuff. “Maybe she did it because she’s a Death Eater?”
14 April 2014
Friday night while most of us slept in our beds, the students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were herded into the Great Hall like cattle, thrust sleeping bags, and told to sleep on the ground. This was the result of yet another Death Eater attack, claimed to be the eleventh in as many years.
“I’m sure someone could start up another wizarding school in the UK to great success,” says Milton Eadie, a most intelligent young boy from Ravenclaw. “Given the reputation Hogwarts must be getting, what with all these attacks.”
The students cannot be the only ones wondering why yet again, the school’s protection fails to protect the students from the Death Eaters, led by the mysterious person referred to as ‘Teedla’. The school appears quite inadequate to do anything but desperately scramble around after disasters have already occurred.
“I think the new first years will be a bit … odd, about coming to a school where students went missing the year before,” says Annabella Rocks, a pretty and innocent first year Gryffindor. Annabella, like other students of her year, should be well removed from all the dangers of Death Eaters and other dark wizards, but she has already seen how “barbaric” the Death Eaters can be.
Parents of muggleborn Ashlei Tinker have even less experience of the dangers of the wizarding world, but keenly feel the danger that their daughter must be experiencing away at school. Ashlei, a Hufflepuff prefect captured by the Death Eaters, has been unable to get word to her parents, and they are left with the minuscule knowledge provided to them by officials – that their daughter has been captured, tortured, and released. “I knew she should never have gone back to that school,” says Mr Tinker, a broken man, while his wife clenches a handkerchief tearfully in her fingers.
“I told her not to go – it wouldn't be good for her. And now look what’s happened!”
They have much reason to be so concerned – the defences of the school are so subpar, that hospital wing staff report having abandoned the school for a more ‘secure’ location. One can only surmise what Rowena Ravenclaw, founder of the school and creator of the school’s original defences, would have to say about this.
Spike VonHaus, another prefect from the Slytherin house, and among those recently rescued, is noticeably shaken and insecure, but bravely shares in some of the school’s responsibility. When asked where he believed the fault lay, he replied simply “I think we all failed each other.”
Charles Larrimore of the Hospital Wing, on the contrary, seems quite jovial about his part in the attacks, finding them somewhat boring and “repetitive”, but enjoys the fact that this one was “especially not, as I had a little action”. (“With a Death Eater,” suggests a nearby student).
Asked what he has to say about this whole ghastly circumstance, on behalf of the school, Mr Larrimore sends his “sympathy out to the families”.
1 September 2012
The firewhiskey flows and the butterbeer glasses are raised across Europe as another Quidditch World Cup is bought to a close, but the big winners are not so much the Ukranian team, but rather the coffers of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. A historic match between Bulgaria, one of Europe’s favourite teams, and Ukraine, who swung up the charts from nowhere to meet them in the finals, the match drew larger profits than seen in years. Abelard Clagge, the ever-philanthropic Minister of Magic, graciously donated 50% of the proceeds from hosting the match towards the school, in order to rebuild the Quidditch pitch. The rest of the proceeds will be spent upon the Ministry’s Widows and Orphans fund.
“While I am hardly a fan of a group of idiots flying around on sticks and throwing balls at each other,” says Clagge, “There is no doubt that Quidditch is loved by a great many of the little dears.” And so, once again, the ‘little dears’ have a quidditch pitch to play on. Over the summer holidays, the proud golden hoops were risen once more. The stands stand again, with banners of red, green, blue and yellow flapping merrily in the sunshine. Yes, children. Quidditch is back.
Longtime quidditch officiator, Madam Hooch, had this to say: “Quidditch is back? -Hic- Hoorah! I alwaysh knew it would … shay, weren't you that kid I used to teach that couldn't fly for peanutsh?” The Prophet is sorry to report that due to insanity, Madam Hooch is now safely locked up in a ward in St. Mungo’s, where she cannot spread vicious slander. The students of Hogwarts will just have to cope.
31 July 2012
The Quidditch World Cup draws to a close this weekend when the Bulgarian and Ukrainian teams meet in the highly anticipated final game. The two Slavic juggernauts have dominated the tourney, leaving many favorites in the dust.
After trouncing Denmark in the final eight, the Ukraine reached the final by defeating Peru in a hard fought edge-of-your-seat match. The Ukrainians not only beat Peru, the team favored by many to walk away with the Cup, they shut them out completely thanks to their ironclad defense, headed up by the Pasternak twins. The final score was 160 - 0.
In an impressive display of flying, Bulgaria clobbered home team England in the semi-finals, winning by the highest margin in the tournament, 200 - 10. Team captain Ivaylo Chilikov and his chasers’ skills earned them numerous interceptions and the all important snitch. In their previous game, the Bulgarians also dominated Zimbabwe allowing only one goal.
Aside from a disturbance in the England-Ireland game when players from the Bulgaria and Zimbabwe teams invaded the pitch, the World Cup has gone smoothly this year. After the incidents at Hogwarts this Christmas, officials do not expect any incidents such as the disaster that occurred after the final game in 1994, the last time Britain hosted the Quidditch World Cup. Nonetheless, security at the final game will be heightened to prevent another embarrassment for the Ministry.
20 June 2012
The workers of Britain’s notorious Knight Bus have gone on strike, leaving hundreds of wizards and witches across the country stranded. Charged with providing the nation’s magical folk with transport in emergency situations, the irresponsible workers are neglecting their duties in a ploy to augment their salaries.
“It’s downright meager what they pays me and Ernie,” opined Mr Stan Shunpike of south London, conductor of the Knight Bus. “I can hardly afford a pint o’ ale if I wants to pay me rent.”
The owner and operator of the Knight Bus, Harold Winchcombe, had no comment on whether he would make concessions to accommodate Mr Shunpike’s alcoholism. Nor did he have any comment on Mr Shunpike’s past arrest for suspicion of aiding and abetting He Who Must Not Be Named.
While the lazy workers of the Knight Bus remain on strike, Mr Winchcombe himself has tried to drive the Knight Bus himself. Unfortunately, this resulted in five collisions before he decided to postpone service.
We at the Daily Prophet call for a quick resolution to this pressing problem and will keep our readers apprised of the situation as it develops.
16 May 2012
Dunderly Clagge, nephew of Abelard Clagge, Minister of Magic, has been reported missing, his location untraceable as of May 15th. The official report, released today, states that Dunderly was holidaying in Wales, failing to return to his family on the 17th, as intended.
The Minister refused to comment, but Mavis Clagge, his sister-in-law, told the Prophet that her son was a lovely young man, and intensely reliable. “I’m so worried,” she weeps, tearing her handkerchief in two. “Dunderly has never been late before - he must be missing his mumsy so!”
Put forward have been a number of theories as to the location of young Dunderly, the most frequent being that he is off being a scoundrel and a rapscallion, but also suggested has been the possibility that the Dark Lord is back, and is masterminding a scheme to overthrow Abelard Clagge.
“Nonsense,” says the Ministry.
15 May 2012
Various reports have come in that a renegade group has set itself up on the WWN (Worldwide Wizarding Network), broadcasting derogatory reports about the Ministry of Magic and the traumas faced by our world. This group calls themselves the Podpeople, and they are not to be trusted.
“I love the Podpeople,” says Claudette Bagelle, an annoying nineteen year old girl who the Prophet spoke to on Diagon Alley. “They play the coolest music, and I just love that one guy … what was his name? Bovine?”
For all that their popularity is increasing, the Prophet is officially warning the public not to trust ‘the Podpeople’. “They have shown a distressing desire to undermine the respectability of more mainstream media,” comments Rita Skeeter, experienced and beautiful longtime journalist of the Prophet. “It is hoped they will quietly fade out of existence, before they cause any serious damage.
29 December 2011
Abelard Clagge, sworn in last month as Minister of Magic, will today announce the new budget. A new year, a new era, and a new economic state. Formerly of the International Magical Trading Standards Body, Clagge is in an ideal position to turn around the stagnant economy. He found a minute to tell the Daily Prophet of the changes.
“Wars do cost money,” he says. “There have been so many extra expenses that we are finding it somewhat difficult … we do what we can.” He cites those mercantile properties that have been destroyed, in addition to the nervosity felt by so many across the country, but is confident that if we all “tighten our robes,” we will come out alright.
To that end, the students of Hogwarts must see their beloved extracurricular activities diminish, as long time Minister of Student Activities, Edgar Eclipse, is officially made redundant, and clubs are removed from the school’s offerings.
“I enjoyed my time at Hogwarts,” says Eclipse, his eyes deliciously grieved. “My primary regret is that I won’t be there to say goodbye.”
In the wake of the recent battle, Quidditch is also removed from the school curriculum. (Refer to our main article for details).
The dueling club, controlled by a different Ministry division, in addition to certain members of Hogwarts staff, will not be affected by Eclipse’s dismissal, though other matters mean its return to glory may be slow.
As Clagge and his helpers continue to look over the budget, more may continue to change. In the meantime, the community is asked to be “hesitantly optimistic”.
Don’t worry, concerned citizens. The Daily Prophet will there for you. We will keep you posted.
28 December 2011
On the 26th of December, as most of us slept off bloated bellies, tiny groups of men and women across the country, wands in hand, were sneaked into the grounds of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The Ministry of Magic is delighted to report that after a reign lasting almost since the very defeat of Lord Voldemort, the ‘new’ Dark Lord has at last met his death.
It is true - peace has come at last, though ministry representatives, including recently appointed Minister of Magic, Abelard Clagge, warn that despite his death, we must not be too ready to drop our guards entirely. “After all,” says Clagge, “While Death Eaters and darkness yet exist, there is even still a threat. We cannot know for certain when a Dark Lord will next arise.”
And indeed, the Death Eaters do still exist. Official reports state that grave injuries were sustained on both sides, and deaths were plentiful (though exact figures, due to the nature of said deaths, are uncertain at this time) - despite the certain grievous battle, some Death Eaters did escape. Some are said to have apparated away once the trap was apparent - others snatching the opportunity to apparate, even stagger away, towards the end - wounds and all.
So the Death Eaters were trapped. While this reporter cannot help but entertain some qualms about the ‘dirtiness’ of such foul play, she is sure the wizarding world can only join her in rejoicing that our ministry has freed us.
But just how did this ‘magnificent’ trap occur?
“Once again,” says ministry auror, Zacharias Smith, “We have Harry Potter to thank. Good old Potter.”
Harry Potter, our hero. The boy-who-lived, the youth-who-defeated-L.V., and latterday hermit, living out his life in quiet seclusion from the rest of the world. Once again, he is to be found at the centre of the war of darkness. Once again, he has saved the world. Smith is, however, only too quick to point out that the real heroes of this particular battle are his fellow ministry aurors, such as Derek Trimble, who has sustained severe injuries, the dazzling Portia Sinclair, Leon Toothill (the ministry’s previously only crippled auror), spicy Keeley Quinn, and Daniel Merrick (sure to become the heartthrob of many a teenage girl in the near future). Of course, we must include him in this magnificent group - for it was this group, the pride of the ministry, who were at the centre of the raging battle. “Potter was only bait,” Smith says, pride evident on his face.
Harry Potter as bait? It seems Arthur Weasley, headmaster of the school, announced to members amongst the staff that Potter would be arriving shortly as a special motivational treat to those NEWT level students studying for the Defence Against the Dark Arts examination. He would arrive over the Christmas holidays, but wished to settle in undisturbed before the start of the new year.
Banding together, the headmaster and the school governor, the popular and respected Lucius Malfoy, quietly, but forcefully, evacuated the students, requesting them to return home to their families, their loved ones, and in short, to “bugger off”.
Harry Potter arrived, as might have been expected, to a trap set by the Death Eaters - who somehow seem to almost have a knack for finding out about these things. But our marvelous ministry were a step ahead - the aurors, and other specialised groups of witches and wizards were waiting. Unfortunately, the Prophet has no coverage of the event, but can assure the public that it was “one hell of a battle”.
Sadly, no matter how much effort the staff went to, to protect the students - the school is even so affected. The primary phase of the battle took place upon the Quidditch pitch, just outside of the ‘forbidden’ (but really, whoever obeyed that rule?) forest. Said pitch is entirely demolished. Bright banners of red, yellow, blue and green, are now mere threads on the ground. Mountains of stands are reduced to dust. Even the giant golden hoops are gone.
Those few deaths resulting in actual corpses, have naturally, been removed by the ministry. But no amount of legislation or organisation can bring back a pitch hundreds of years in the making. It will be a long time before Hogwarts sees its favourite sport again.
Maybe the students can take up gobstones?
So what happens now?
“No doubt,” says Arthur Weasley, “the Ministry is already putting in motion its own form of witch hunt, for those Death Eaters who still live.”
“We will continue to educate the students of Hogwarts,” says Derek Trimble, professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts, in addition to one of the ministry’s prized aurors, and son of famed combat academic, Quentin Trimble, “Classes will be in session.”
Unfortunately, the school’s governor, Lucius Malfoy, is unavailable for comment. He is missing, presumed dead.