The stage has been set: the Triwizard champions will soon face their first task against the backdrop of the unforgiving tundra. In a break from the tradition of past competitions, the champions will enter their task without a single clue, and blind to the challenges that await them. Without guidance, the champions must rely on themselves, armed only with their wands and their wits. Skill, tenacity, and perseverance will separate the true champions from the rest.
Our first impressions of the chosen twelve no longer suffice. Names tell us little about their hearts, their skills, and their motivations. The debut on the field will be their first chance to prove themselves: who will triumph, and who will lag behind? What is the measure of a Triwizard Champion, and who will fit the bill?
Unfortunately, few inspire confidence throughout their days of preparation, and most fail to meet our expectations. The students flock to Durmstrang’s extensive library, searching for answers in dusty tomes. Beauxbatons’ Eglantine Coture never seems to leave, under the impression that she may stumble upon something remotely relevant to the task. However unlikely it is, her dedication surpasses that of her teammates. The taciturn Latocia Évalisse would prefer to play in the snow while seasoned chaser Kasper Kats abandons his studies for trips to the Quidditch pitch. Léa Archibeque attempts to catch up to her older teammates, rightfully concerned with the risk of falling behind. Luckily for her, it should not take much effort given their stunted progress.
Gryffindor Herbert Longbottom claims to be “brushing up” on his spell work, but whether his words are said out of humility or carelessness is unclear. The other Hogwarts champions do not fare much better; in particular, Will Kilmarnook’s subpar efforts reflect poorly on her school and on Rowena Ravenclaw’s legacy. Durmstrang’s own Isak Blomqvist, though occasionally seen in the library, spends his time hiding from overenthusiastic peers instead of practicing. Oksana Orlova remains an enigma, but hopefully she proves to be less passive and less prone to slacking off than her teammate.
Their sense of initiative seems to have been tossed into the goblet with their names, or they fail to recognize the gravity of their situation. The history of the Triwizard Tournament is long, rife with accidents and, on multiple occasions, death. That the champions make mediocre efforts at best to prepare for their harrowing tests does not bode well for the first task. Rather than the survival of the fittest, it will be the clash of competitors who are entirely unfit for the challenge. One can only hope for performances that live up to the title of Champion, but take care not to become easy prey for disappointment.
To the champions: good luck. You will surely need it.
We all have embarrassing moments, even the Champions at the Yule Ball. Our awkward competitors didn’t ruin the night. However, there were some not so perfect moments at the dance. Irwin Cablamb is here to share all the goofs and blunders of the night! The blunders are rated from one * meaning blush-inducing, to ***** meaning totally awkward!
**Reports indicate that Beauxbatons champion Kasper Kats was easily impressed by the chairs. All the effort put into decoration could have been saved if they just added a few more chairs to the room! His date, Apple Capalet of Hufflepuff, seemed less pleased about his enthusiasm for chairs. Rightfully so, as the set decorations were amazing, and couldn’t be ignored!
***Will Kilmarnook showed up to the dance fashionably late. A few moments later, her toad was found contaminating the punch. The rumor is that many students found warts on their mouths and in their throats the day after the Yule Ball. No reports on if the toad is going to be sent back to Hogwarts after the fiasco.
****Famous Bully Herbert Longbottom and dragon cowboy Eglantine Coture were found stepping over each other’s feet while they were dancing. This might be the cutest thing ever, but they were dangerous and had the potential to ruin the whole dance!
*****Hogwarts delegate Kai Fireblader fell into fellow delegate Isabella Carter. They got tangled in her enormous dress, which nearly got destroyed from the punch being overturned by Durmstrang student Sigrid Mäkeläinen in an attempt to capture Miss Kilmarnook’s offending toad. Word is that said toad landed on his shoulders later, and he was reduced from Gryffindor delegate to babbling toddler.
Tune in to next week’s edition as we have reports of embarrassing moments from all your favorite celebrities!
What champions have already been lucky enough to score a date to the exclusive Yule Ball? We have all the answers right here, exclusively given to Witch Weekly by an anonymous source stationed at frosty Durmstrang.
It is a surprise for us to see that Beauxbatons champion Eglantine Coture agreed to go to the ball with the infamous Gryffindor bully Herbert Longbottom! While Herbert does have redeemable qualities in his facial appearance, he is quite husky and bulky for the delicate champion. We know that there are much better dates out there for her, and that Herbert definitely should fly solo on this one. Precious flower, be careful not to wither.
It seems the Coture isn’t the only one with problems on the horizon. Hufflepuff champion Briony Prosser might just have to share some attention, because our anonymous source says that her date, Durmstrang’s very own Head Boy Josef Köhler, has a love affair with his falcon. Perhaps they will be attending the ball as a trio? Time will tell!
A rather adorable pairing that we love is Beauxbatons champion Kasper Kats and Hogwarts delegate Apple Capalet. We hear that Kasper has been given Apple lessons in his native French, which obviously means that they are going with each other to the ball. The new Romeo and Juliet perhaps?
As for the decorations, your reporters are convinced that Durmstrang Institute is going all out. The Yule Ball has always been a way for a host school to show off their best qualities, so expect a beautiful snowbound set with icicle draping the edges of the walls. There will definitely be some magical touches, as this is the Triwizard Tournament after all, so keep an eye out for the small details that will be making its way into the ball. We will definitely have all the details in next week’s issue and we sincerely hope everyone’s just as stoked as we are for the Yule Ball!
This week, our reader poll is: What is the percentage that our predictions will be correct?
This is it! Christmas is just around the corner and with the TriWizard Tournament going on, we all know what that means! That’s right- the Yule Ball! Who’s going with who? What drama is likely to unfold? With just five male champions, and seven female champions, there’s sure to be some catfights over claiming the guys. Let’s not forget the delegates, which make the numbers eight males and twelve females. More to come in the next issue while we cover the latest trends, fashions and what the mysterious Durmstrang Institute has in mind for the Yule Ball!
Wand Direction is obviously one of the first and most popular bands to come to mind. Highly successful, the five boys are busy touring Europe and are currently in Munich. Coincidence? I think not! Perhaps these talented five musicians would stop by for this celebration, causing mixed reactions. Hogwarts champion Briony Prosser claims to be their and I quote, “BIGGEST FAN!!” completed with an ear-piercing “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” while Durmstrang champion Isak Blomqvist has clearly lived under a rock having never heard of the popular band (“Who?”).
Perhaps Durmstrang Institute will opt for something a bit classical or maybe even acapella groups. Of course the magical school is best at secrecy so what groups were booked will only be revealed in time.
As far as what’s hot and what’s not in terms of the latest trends, we’ve been lucky enough to be given a list by the most well-known fashion designers and stylists. Mainly, the latest hair trends. As the yule ball has not happened in quite a while, champions are expected to make a scene and what better way to have colour-ed strands of hair among the natural colour? Red for those with lighter colour hair and dark purple for those with darker tones; It’d be a very different way of accessorizing (unique too!), the pop of color is sure to match well with the entire attire just as long as our young champions and delegates take care not to go overboard. Go for something subtle yet majestic, not bold and daring. Let your hairstyle accentuate your features- experiment around! A chic bun? Loose beach waves? The options are endless.
As far as jewelry goes, silver seems to be all the rage these days and what better to match with the theme Durmstrang Institute has in mind than silver? White and silver just has that soft yet beautiful view to it, matching perfectly with the icy setting. Gold may prove to be a little bit strong, but as long as one matches it in all the right ways, it could be very well be dazzling, even moreso than the combination of silver and white.
Whether or not the attendants will take advantage of these tips on what’s in season or not will only be revealed in a days’ time.
PHOENIX 23 Dec - 9 Jan
Do not let yourself be overwhelmed by stress, there is still time to achieve what you set out to do. Take advantage of your innate stubbornness and you will see it through. Similar to the Augurey, while distractions are needed as well be chary of which ones are worthy of your devotion.
YETI 10 Jan – 18 Mar*
It has never been a better time to leash your tongue than today, or else you may just blow down the house of cards you have so determinately constructed. It will see you through in your love life.
LEAPING TOADSTOOL 29 Feb
You’re convinced that you will neither advance in love or at work but if you let go of your conviction and realise that the planet continues to spin – no day can be taken back –you will advance in at least one of the two.
MOKE 19 Mar – 21 Mar
Ever heard of the saying ‘Unlucky at cards, lucky in love’? Lottery ticket purchases aren’t advisable but go talk to that crush of yours.
FAIRY 22 Mar – 20 Apr
There is beauty even in decaying leaves. Not all comments are critiques so like the Yeti, keep a leash on your tongue and control your moody temper until you calmly process the spoken words. Hindsight won’t mend all your hurt relationships.
AUGUREY 21 Apr – 22 May
Something you had planned for the day will be cancelled but you’ll be quick to fill the gap in your schedule. Just remember that it has merely been postponed and work still awaits you in the future. It is essentially better to do it now than later.
AETHONAN 23 May – 30 Jun
You are taking up space when there isn’t any; don’t spread out your wings just yet. While it is good that your eyes are set on the skies you better make realistic plans in the small time frame that you have if you want to achieve anything worthwhile.
PLEIAD 1 Jul – 31 Jul
Hold steadfast onto your beliefs and good things will come to you. Just remember to keep a calm demeanour despite the copious annoyances that you will encounter today.
SALAMANDER 1 Aug – 20 Sep
It’s been hard, I know, but your patience has finally paid off. Like the Pleiad, keep a calm demeanour but unlike them you will not battle copious annoyances, but yourself. Don’t let your victory get over your head.
MOKE 21 Sep – 24 Sep
Ever heard of the saying ‘A loser in love in gambling wins’? Today, this is true for you and it might be high time to buy a lottery ticket, but don’t over-do it or you will be a loser in both. Also minimize your interaction with any Moke born as the month wanes.
25 Sep – 13 Nov
The well-deserved appreciation in the workplace hasn’t been shown to you and it’s due time you ask for the respect that you deserve. However don’t be disrespectful about it.
HINKYPUNK 14 Nov – 21 Nov
You’ll finally be able to taste the fruits of your labour. You will inspire those around you to follow in the same suit and spark some of your ambition into them. Relax today and enjoy that long postponed night out with your Salamander friend.
GLUMBUMBLE 22 Nov – 22 Dec
While your mood might not be at its peak do not neglect your responsibilities, you’ll just prescribe yourself unremitting headache in times to come, and if you choose to ignore that headache there will be one nice giant wall up ahead the road for you to slam into.
* Excluding 29 Feb
By Dione Odhar
1 October 2014
I have hated the Chudley Cannons for some time now. Ever since I could remember, actually. I was reminded of this hatred a few days ago when I “attended” the “semi-finals” of a district Quidditch Cup. It was a joke. The Cannons should have tried to play without a broomstick.
The results would've been the same.
As a devout Quidditch fan, and a good player (if I do say so myself), it is brutally embarrassing to watch a game, any game, involving the Chudley Cannons. I would rather be trampled by a centaur than sit through a whole game.
Why? Well, isn’t it obvious?
Okay. For those who don’t find it obvious, let me explain. Number one: They wear bright orange. They’re a horror on the eyes. And believe me. I have a high tolerance for bright colors- I’m a former Hufflepuff. But bright orange? No thanks.
Number two: Any team who names themselves after cannons should at least be as fast as one, right? Not the Cannons. They are slower than cannons. It is quite painful to watch. Their interceptions are non-existent, their Keeper can’t seem to see the Quaffle coming towards him and always misses (and, might I add, A Keeper’s JOB is only to block the Quaffle and throw it back. As boring as it may be, it’s not that difficult), their bludgers are aimed towards the wrong people (if they can make it to a bludger in time to hit it), and the Seeker doesn't know the Snitch has been sighted until the Snitch rests in the opposing Seeker’s hand.
Honestly? It’s pathetic.
How the Cannons have fans, I’ll never know. I certainly am no a fan, and I feel bad for anyone who truly admires them- they obviously don’t know the difference between good and bad Quidditch teams. Granted, I did convert a Cannons fan the other day. Ask me about that topic- it’s really quite enjoyable. I thank him for finally seeing reason.
On a brighter note: I do like how the Cannons are so easily beaten. Thanks for pushing the Arrows up in the standings.
- Candace Smith
17 May 2019
Flying broom fanatics went into mourning last night as the tragic death of Filberius Flyte was announced. One half of the famous inventing duo ‘Flyte and Barker’, Filberius was in the process of flight-testing his yet-to-be-released ‘Twigger Vista’ when an object, later identified to be a cauldron, fell upon his head from the air.
“It’s those bloody blackmarketeers,” says his wife, spunky Delores Flyte (herself a ‘dabbler’ in broom invention and creator of the new ‘Try-Trigger’, a training broom for toddlers which can be attached to their parent’s broom. “They’re always flying overhead – on carpets no less! They think they can bring their shoddy cauldrons in here – and the Ministry just lets them get away with it!”
Regardless of where the deadly cauldron came from, it is clear that Flyte’s partner, Geoffrey Barker, will have to continue work on the Vista by himself. Despite the trauma of his friend’s death, he vows that fans of the costly brooms will have reason to rejoice soon enough.
“As you know, we have eight brooms under the company’s belt already – ranging from the world-renowned Twigger 90, all the way to the Twigger XP. We’re confident that our customers will enjoy the luxury and ease of all Twiggers before – along with one or two brand new features, and a fabulous kitchy design!”
As a long time fan of the Twigger myself, I just hope they don’t leave off the self-straightening brush!
The Ministry of Magic could not be reached for a comment on the wayward cauldron.
28 December 2014
As we all know, the School of Hogwarts has long been burdened with the necessity to, frankly, pay for everything done. This was somewhat alleviated by the generous donations of Lucius Malfoy, philanthropist and a former governor of the school. However, since this wonderful man has been labeled as missing, so has much of the financial support of the school. This has led to such events as the disbanding of clubs as well as several delays in the reconstruction of the Quidditch Pitch during the year following, which has since been completed.
This leaves professionals such as Marvin McLawlercaek in awe as to how they plan to open a large, Quidditch Pitch sized pool in what will be what formerly was the Rose Gardens. “It’s complete garbage, that!” said McLawlercaek, also a resident of Hogsmeade. What’s more, the pool is planned to be open to no one other than the faculty and staff of the school, leaving the common witches and wizards, including the students, out of the proverbial loop. This leaves McLawlercaek flustered with the blatant insensitivity.
The estimated cost of a project like this is overwhelming, and must be taken out of the budget somewhere. The Prophet fears that Hogwarts has not been properly nourishing its students, and will be taking a detailed look at the problem to get to the bottom of it all. All of this prompts the question: is Weasley ready to run a school? Owl us in with your thoughts.
On an unrelated note, we’ll have coverage on Scotland’s counterfeit financial documents case later.
5 January 2019
The New Year brings many things - not the least of which is resolutions. Some of us might make a vow to eat less chocolate frogs - deny the sweet burning which is firewhiskey. We might swear an oath to fly our broom more, instead of taking the easy route of floo powder. This year, the Ministry of Magic have been asked to make the bravest, hardest, most serious New Year’s resolution yet.
It was merely two days ago that greatly-respected Narcissa Malfoy, socialite and philanthropist, stood before various members of the Ministry, campaigning for our world to be a safer place through the removal of vigilantes and ‘want-to-be’ heroes from our streets.
She is referring, in specific, to the incident in Diagon Alley shortly before Christmas, where not only did buildings crumble away, leaving ruin and wreckage in their wake, but five civilians were brutally murdered, and dozens more left injured, both physically and mentally. The incident, beginning as a spat between aurors and a few Death Eaters, quickly escalated to extreme chaos and uncontrolled violence when a gang of rogue vigilantes waded into the fray, drawing the quarrel into levels of violence unseen in the streets since the time of “You-know-who”.
I was there to see her speech. Watching Narcissa Malfoy plead with the Ministry, passion in her trembling voice, it was impossible not to be moved by her words and her desire for the Ministry to take action for the greater good.
“The children’s ward of St. Mungo’s holds a child of just three years of age,” she said. “Little Gideon is too young to understand what happened that day, and why - but he is not too young to understand that after those horrific flashes of light, his parents will not be there anymore to tuck him in at night.”
I did my own research after the speech, interviewing those few spectators who are able to speak about the tragic events. Most are hazy about what actually happened, but the consensus seems to agree with Madam Malfoy - things got “much much worse” after the ‘heroes’ appeared.
Laura Gelley, whose fiancée Reginald perished in the crossfire, agrees tearfully to an interview. “I was inside Gladrags when it started. When I came out to see what was happening, all I could see was screaming people - running everywhere, and the lights…” She bursts into tears at this point, and I give her my handkerchief, waiting for her to bravely gather her strength to continue. “It wasn't until much later - long after the screaming stopped - that I knew Reggie was killed.” She stops crying and I see her knuckles turning white where she clutches at the handkerchief, her eyes shining through the tears. “All I know,” she says. “All I know is that none of them died.”
Of course Laura is not suggesting that the tragedy was actually the fault of these ‘heroes’. Neither are Madam Malfoy, or indeed, us here at the Prophet. Nobody would be so silly. It is however, blatantly obvious, that events would not have escalated to such terrifying heights if they had not simply plunged in without thinking.
“People need to step aside and let Harry Potter and his team of aurors get on with their work without interference,” Malfoy continued in her speech to the Ministry. “Being the boy who lived is not much good when everybody around you is dying. Surely Potter has enough to deal with without these imbeciles wading into the middle of things and throwing everything out of control. Innocent people die when they get involved.”
And this, as Madam Malfoy told the Ministry, is truly the crux of the matter. Were these ‘heroes’ simply endangering themselves, that would be okay. If they want to throw their lives away, that’s their business. But if they insist on putting themselves where they are not wanted - if they keep putting innocent civilians in the crossfire - they must be stopped.
Such reckless activity cannot be supported.
The Daily Prophet joins with Narcissa Malfoy in crying out for justice. These vigilantes must be stopped. A private member’s bill has been lodged with the Ministry requesting the illegality of crime-fighting by those without auror licenses. When it is passed - and we have every faith that it will be - these vigilantes will be found and imprisoned for crimes against the Wizarding World.
Have faith friends and loyal readers - the world will be safe once more.
Staff at the Berkshire Magical Wildlife Sanctuary are pleased to announce their newest arrival, born just moments after sunrise on New Year's Day. Winky, the eldest and certainly proudest female unicorn on the grounds, has given birth to a gorgeous silver-haired foal weighing in at a whopping 116 kg. The foal's name was chosen through a public poll released last May, granting this unicorn baby the name of Starfire Glitterbelly (with Unicorn McUnicornface coming in close second and Dude-icorn taking third place). Berkshire states that further name choices will be made internally, but are thrilled with the amount of participation the poll received.
Sources from the highly respected free roam reserve say the birth was a beautiful sight, made all the better by a bright rainbow hovering overhead throughout the event. Also joining Starfire's debut were his six young canine siblings, who ran and played happily beside the foal as he took a step for the first time. Staff explains that the puppies suddenly appeared on the grounds weeks ago and began following Winky around as if she were their caretaker. Winky soon began returning their nuzzles and the odd family has been inseparable ever since.
Berkshire invites everyone to pay a visit to see Winky, Starfire, and the puppies this weekend, and encourages all to bring a galleon or two for donation! Sources say it'll be worth it, and collectively go, "Aww!"
22 October 2014
Last Tuesday a terrible breach in security occurred in the Dark Creatures Observation Facility when two children-eating trolls escaped from their enclosures, demonstrating a high risk for the staff, which has since been under heavy assault from the unleashed dark creatures, battling to obtain control over the havoc they have created.
This happened only a day after a third year class of Hogwarts was taken to a visit there as part of a practical lesson on Banshees, which can also be found in this structure. Luckily enough, they missed this terrible accident and avoided any sort of injuries. The visit had gone with no difficulties and the students had returned safely to Hogwarts.
The facilitation was opened more than a decade ago, and with only a few minor mishaps, nothing as serious as this has happened.
“I have spent over ten years studying the creatures in this place, and never have I seen them so aggressive as during this break out. I realize they are dark creatures and it’s in their nature to be violent, but this is insane, lad,” commented Donal Magee, director of the DCO and a preeminent expert in the study of dark creatures.
Now the Magizoologists are trying to discover what was the cause for this escape in a highly-monitored facility such as the DCO. There are no suspects or any reason to assume that this as done by an outside source, but the Daily Prophet discovered an investigation is taking place nonetheless.
As details of the full extent of the damages to Beauxbatons by last night’s fire become available, witches and wizards across the continent and here in the UK wonder: what does this mean for us? Beauxbatons Academy of Magic was set to host the Triwizard Tournament this year, where students from the three prominent magical schools engage in friendly competition and international networking.
However, with the French arena charred beyond recognition, will the tradition continue? Rumors of the games’ cancellation have already reached the Prophet.
The inter-school competition was last hosted ten years ago at Durmstrang Institute, after being held locally at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in three successive tournaments. Representatives from the British and Eastern Europe Ministries of Magic decline to comment on whether the tournament will be relocated or canceled out of deference to the traumatizing damage of the attack. Sources say Durmstrang is heavily campaigning to relocate the tournament to Scandinavia. At the time of printing, no official information has been released, but the Prophet will keep readers apprised of any updates.
The controversy surrounding the nature of this year’s Triwizard Tournament has reached a fever pitch with its nail-biting conclusion. Listening in to live commentary straight from Durmstrang, fans across Europe sat on the edges of their seat in anticipation, oblivious to the reality of the Labyrinth of Doom.
The bait was set: the Triwizard Cup, luring the twelve into the heart of the ultimate trap. What should have been a race for glory was revealed as a ploy meant to lead the twelve champions to their untimely deaths. The conspiracy runs deeper than a mere amateur’s idea of sabotage; the maze itself was designed with malicious intent. Leeches and abominable snowmen, though dangerous in their own right, were not the real challenge. Unsurprisingly, all made it past the obstacles in due time, flooding into the center of the maze. There, the culling began.
Peers turned against one another, swayed by the grand prize, but it was hardly the bloodbath they wanted. Greater more extreme measures were taken when the champions failed to do their dirty work for them. The maze itself began to fall apart, though one can hardly believe it was due to poor workmanship. Suspicious! In no time at all, the lake claimed half the champions. An unidentifiable marine creature made to devour two more, though all traces of the behemoth had conveniently disappeared before an investigation could be launched.
Surely a foul plot was afoot, for the use of dementors as the guardians of the Triwizard Cup was both extreme and unnecessary—suspicious! Formerly tasked with guarding Azkaban Prison, the creatures were expelled in 1998. Clearly, that never stopped them from being used elsewhere; in the tournament, champions were almost overwhelmed. No sources can confirm the existence of any safeguards, and it is only due to luck that neither Briony Prosser nor Kasper Kats ended up victims of “the Kiss.”
The ugly truth can no longer be hidden. I urge you, readers, to state your dissent loud and clear. No casualties have been reported yet, but we must not stand for the destructive plans made that constantly endanger our children. We must put a stop to this mad conspiracy and find those responsible!
Less than twenty-four hours ago, tragedy struck Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizadry.
An anonymous source has revealed that last night, very suddenly, a student at the once prestigious school passed away. A child. A sweet, innocent thing who didn’t even make it to their Ordinary Wizarding Level Examinations inhaled their last, shuddering breath behind walls that are supposed to be a sanctuary, and why? Because of the incompetent fools who have been allowed to let their tyranny suffocate the minds of our youth for the past decade.
Despite the Ministry’s best efforts to get a handle on the Spattergroit Epidemic that has plagued the castle for months, the disease has been allowed to persist. Anonymous sources say that Aurora Braelin-VonHaus, Hogwarts’s resident healer, has trumped every attempt made by St. Mungo’s healers Edmund Caverly and Duncan Cunningham to correct the situation. When asked, students claimed that all that was done to check their health was “a bit of poking and prodding,” and that anyone who appeared ill was quarantined for one week before they were released again. The approximate recovery time for even the mildest case of spattergroit is three weeks. Any other attempts made by the Ministry-appointed professionals was met by irate screaming that could be heard from classes two floors below the Hospital Wing, anonymous sources say.
Braelin-VonHaus has been employed at the school since September of 2024, and in the near decade she has been allowed to practice, the health and safety of students has snowballed into a chaotic, almost war-like atmosphere in which students have to scream to be heard if they are feeling unwell.
And now a child has died at her hands.
If we cannot be certain that our children are safe at school, then what can we be certain of? If Headmaster Arthur Weasley cannot see that the quality of his staff has fallen from grace and into a vortex of fatal consequences, then what’s to say that it will stop at one death? As long as Aurora Braelin-VonHaus is in charge of the wellbeing of our children, death is an ever-present possibility. And it is a possibility that the wizarding community of Britain should not sit idly by and accept.
From the Prophet, the Ministry, and a reporter who goes home to small children every day, we ask that you keep the fallen child in your thoughts as we work to uncover more of the story.
Lovely, loyal readers, we have failed you. Yes, we have brought you news of failure and triumph. Yes, we have brought you news of Miss Prosser’s downward spiral into death, also known as the pit of a nundu’s stomach. But we have not given you news of how these champions live, the tumultuous youth to whom you have given your pride in hopes they will bring back victory.
Fear not, I – Chara Abrams, guest writer - bring you the freshest news from the sharpest talons today into the lives of two: Will Kilmarnook and Dictys Ator. Mr. Ator has been a bit of a middling champion, despite his apparent popularity (I mean, did you see the number of readers who was matched up to the dashing Slytherin in the quiz? I digress). We know dear Dictys is a Slytherin and came from modest means – the Goblet of Fire missed the memo that rarely anyone decent comes from Knockturn Alley but let’s hope that Mr. Ator had been reborn from the Goblet of Fire, like a phoenix! Now, I worked like a house elf to dig into the young man’s past. He left behind two sisters, a father and spellotape your heart, an ex-boyfriend. Yes, my readers, someone was able to dump that baby face. Scorned by the Head Boy at the start of the treacherous tournament, Dictys turned his sights on long-haired Morgan.
Otherwise known as Will Kilmarnook.
During preparations for the first task, it appears Miss Kilmarnook and Mr. Ator experienced an awakening in each other. Spotted: cuddling in the Durmstrang dining hall, spooning blueberry yogurt parfaits into each other’s mouths. Just what will these champions do next? Miss Prosser’s death however has put a damper on their budding relationship (boo!). The young Ravenclaw has hardly left her living quarters since, and let’s be honest, it’s not the amenities of the public transportation keeping her at bay. Dictys is keeping it busy, finding solace in the company of Durmstrang Head Boy Josef Köhler. Spotted: locking lips by the lakeside.
We caught Will Kilmarnook one late morning probably on her run to get some ice cream and inquired on her state of mind over the affair. She told us in confidence, “I . . . feel so . . . [sad].” Oh Will, we do too; our hearts break for you. It seems unfortunate to have a second setback (for readers who are behind, Miss Kilmarnook ranked 11, Category: Almost Dead) so early on. We suspect the champion in blue to be feeling quite alone at Durmstrang, with no one to write home to (hey, she did date her bro’s ex), and surrounded by what some call better-qualified candidates for her place in the tournament, for love and for glory.
R.I.P. DILL November 2029-December 2029
Chara Abrams is author of Bewitching the Witch: A How-To for Wizards and Witches and Ten Easy Steps for Ruling the World without AKing a Single Soul. The views of this guest column do not represent the Daily Prophet.
Following the interesting discovery that savage bully Herbert Longbottom and Hogwarts delegate Apple Capalet used to date, WW99 FM hosted a talk with the Hufflepuff student to reveal the truth about the son of legendary war hero Neville Longbottom. For those who missed it, an excerpt of the interview with the clearly traumatised delegate can be found below.
Interviewer: So, Apple, can you tell us exactly what was going through your mind when Herbert first asked you to be his girlfriend?
Apple: Well, I was in - um - third year? Something like that. So obviously it was kind of a big thing, I mean, being asked out by a boy. And so I think I kind of said yes because I was excited, and he seemed nice, but that was before I really knew what he was like to other people. I sometimes wonder what I was thinking when I look back on it, you know?
Interviewer: Yes, we know. Now Mr. Longbottom’s bullying nature has become evident, we predict that he will be unlikely to find himself any girlfriends in the future.
Apple: I would strongly advise any girl he ever asks out to refuse and run a mile.
Interviewer: That’s a bit harsh. Why would you say that?
Apple: It’s good advice! I think when I first started going out with Herbert he tried to be nice, by like meeting me after class and stuff. Then he got really horrible and started yelling at me if I did something he didn’t like, and then he started making me carry his bag around everywhere like some sort of skivvy. I had to do some of his homework too and he was the year above me so it was basically impossible, and when I did it wrong and he got T grades he would like… get in a mood with me. He tried to hex me one time, but thankfully I got away. He was really angry.
Interviewer: …Hex you? That seems awful. I personally would have never hexed a girl when I was at school. Could you tell us more about what happened?
Apple: I can’t really remember it very well. I think - yes, we were in the middle of the lawn at Hogwarts and he told me I got him a T in his Herbology homework. And I mean, his dad used to be a Professor of Herbology at Hogwarts! Couldn’t he have just got an automatic O anyway? But like, it was really weird ’cause he told me he’d disappointed his dad, and then he told his dad that he hadn’t actually done his homework and I’d done it and Professor Longbottom didn’t believe him. So yeah, he was really angry and I said I didn’t know anything because it was fourth year Herbology and I was a third year. So he just sort of got angry and aimed at me and yeah.
Interviewer: That definitely doesn’t sound very gentlemanly. How did your relationship end?
Apple: People say I was cheating on Herbert with Roman, a boy in Slytherin in my year. In hindsight I probably should have been cheating with Roman, because he was hot and I dated him after and it was the best year ever. But Roman sort of decided I needed a bodyguard, ’cause we were friends and I told him about Herbert trying to hit me. And then Herbert sort of took it the wrong way and he went really mental when he found out and he beat up Roman and put him in the Hospital Wing for a week. It was horrible to watch, especially because Roman was my friend. I was kind of glad it ended though, because I knew Herbert wasn’t going to end it because I was like his skivvy or something.
Interviewer: Ouch. And what has Herbert’s luck with girls been since?
Apple: He’s had two other girlfriends, I think. Anna was just as horrible as him, I think he had influenced her too much because they were in the same house. And Abrielle is a bit weird, I think she probably just wanted to date Herbert because no one else wanted to date her.
Anybody interested in hearing the full hour-long interview with Hogwarts delegate Apple Capalet can tune into WW99 FM on March 15th at 7:30pm, where the interview will be replayed in the run up to the mysterious third task.
1 September 2019
Ten years indeed! And as a Hogwarts Alumna, this news is truly heartwarming to hear! Pardon me, for I cannot contain my excitement at the news that the Ministry and the three most prestigious schools of Europe are once again constructing the Triwizard Tournament.
I remember the last time, all those years ago, when our foreign companions not only provided the school with their presence, but forged many lasting friendships with me and others.
In my experience, watching the tournament and seeing students from other schools did more than just teach me and my peers that there was more to life than just Hogwarts. It also gave us insight into fellow European cultures. They aren't much different from us, but their views on certain subjects do vary. Bringing the tournament back only shows that we fellow wizards would love nothing more than to expand our current knowledge with influences other than our own.
To this, I tip my hat in the hopes that the best school wins.
- Lian Cleery
In the midst of latest fall issue of Diagon’s Bazaar, the debut of various collections and the sudden surge in controversial trends have caused an uproar in the socially-conscious wizarding population. Various organizations such as Wizards for Beast Rights have banded together to not only boycott any and all sales of the offending products, but to also hurl accusations left and right. Coupled with bamboozling numbers and suspect facts, their loud complaints have been a source for bad publicity for the wizarding world’s most famous designers.
Picture this: a flock of peaceful demiguises, bred and hunted for their highly coveted pelts. These endearing little animals live in the East Asian wilderness and are known for their innate ability to turn invisible. It is their hair that enables them to simply disappear from sight.
The Fur vs. Faux debate has lasted for decades with no resolution, and it has been taken to a new level as many witches and wizards have been considering the poaching of these beasts for their hair. For years, demiguise hairs have been used in the making of high quality invisibility cloaks, but it no longer stops there. As the latest trends have gathered momentum, the wealthy have taken to a new style of prêt-a-porter: woven in with the cloth is the invisible hair, creating elaborate and abstract patterns that are a source of wonder, awe, and confusion. Right now, it is cool to strut about head-to-toe in Sior, partially invisible to the rest of the world.
But what is the cost? The safety and welfare of these creatures are at stake, and the reputations of labels and designers at stake as activists dedicate themselves to being a pain in the rear. Are these designers guilty of one of the most heinous crimes imaginable to man? Are they the next Dolores Umbridges of the world, letting poor, defenseless magical creatures suffer in the name of fashion?
On the other hand, could it be just another high price of fashion? Can we trust the whims of the masses to put a stop to this trend, one and for all? We will have to see.
By Talia Ayers
LONDON - Recent reports about a real life Santa have been crossing the desks of Accidental Magic Reversal Squad agents for the past week, with no sign of stopping anytime soon.
The first came several weeks ago, when an impersonator at Harrod’s managed to shoot a silent Instant Scalping Hex at the mother of a five-year-old muggle, who was heard muttering to the wizard in disguise that all he wanted was for his “Mummy to quit spending so much time on her hair in the mornings and make [him] a proper breakfast.” Mr. Claus had apparated from the scene before the AMRS and Obliviators arrived.
Since then, many other instances have sprouted across the city. A collector dressed in the red, white-trimmed garb was sighted shouting lewd comments about Rudolph the beloved reindeer and where exactly he could shove his nose before sending several Cheering Charms out into a crowd of nonmagical citizens waiting for the oncoming morning train. At a local drugstore, medications were replaced with expired Fizzing Whizbees, hospitalizing no less than three people. Those folk have since been cured at St. Mungo’s and had their memories appropriately modified, though the increase in attacks has left those on the case believing that there may be various copycat Rogue Santas added to the mix.
“It’s an obvious violation of the Statute of Secrecy, which is why we’re concerned,” said Nicholas Frost, the Squad-Man on the case. “The more we allow these Rogue Santa attacks to occur, the more the muggles might actually expect a miracle on Christmas. You can imagine the shock on some parents’ faces when they wake up to empty stockings and crying kids on Christmas morning.”
The Rogue Santa(s) could face up to twelve years in Azkaban for their exploits, though it’s uncertain if a partridge in a pear tree will be awaiting them upon their release.
If you have any information that could be of help regarding this case, please forward all owls to Level Three of the Ministry of Magic, or here to the Daily Prophet.
Now that our twelve Tri-Wizard Champions have been chosen, the tournament itself is the new hot topic. As we count down the days until our Hogwarts Heroes have to face their potential demises, your restless Daily Prophet Reporter spends her time investigating the nature of the upcoming tasks.
Upon approaching those responsible for planning and organizing the tournament tasks with a radiant smile and a quick-notes quill hovering over our heads, your favorite reporter receives few answers, the politest of which is “Scamper off, wench, before we make sticking that quill up somewhere private of yours a task for the champions.” The nerve! Reluctant though I am to report this degrading comment, I feel it is my duty as an honest journalist to show the Wizarding community just what type of human beings are running the famous Tri-Wizard tournament.
Our Champions are perhaps less impudent, but they are of no more help. “A challenge,” is the informative answer Archibeque presents to me when I ask what she expects from the tasks. “Tasks are meant to be a test of strength, wit and magical ability. So I expect that,” says the Kat of Beauxbatons. Thank you, Mister Kats, we did not know that. But we forgive you, for you are still gorgeous.
Witches and Wizards from all over Europe have discussed the topic to death (no pun intended). It seems the theories become wilder in tune with the female fan base of Josef Köhler’s. Some of the less absurd ideas circling the continent are that our Champions will have to battle a giant each, fight off an army of Nifflers whilst wearing armors made of pure gold and, as the beautiful Kasper Kats tells us, “Someone wrote to me suggesting the first task would be herding a hundred cats.” Yikes. I never liked cats. What do you think the formidable tasks will bring, faithful readers? Will they be a rehash of previous tournament tasks or should we whisper a prayer whilst we fish out our Omnioculars and wait for a flock of giants to cross the Tower Bridge?
Although this third task is even more guarded than the shocking second task, we at the Daily Prophet have been told that this will be the toughest challenge they have faced yet. The champions sure have their work cut out for them and they must come into this task with their wits and strengths in check if they want to succeed in the end. It left this reporter wondering, who would come out at top overall? Did the Goblet choose the most worthy Hogwarts students for this tournament? Do any other schools have an advantage over another? And who does the general public believe will win it all?
“I think the Goblet discriminates against real talent and its priorities are all wrong.” Hogwarts Delegate Isabella Carter informed us, letting us know the real truth about what is going on. The Slytherin claims she wouldn’t even place a bet on such pathetic options! Harsh words if it weren’t echoed by fellow delegate and classmate Apple Capalet. She voiced the same concerns and even predicted the sweet French Kasper Kats to win it all. Of course adding more on bully Herbert Longbottom, “I think everyone wants Herbert to fail. A bully should never win the tournament.” We can concur.
Not everyone has lost faith on the war heroes son however. Some at home believe his brutish nature will be what grabs the win for Hogwarts. “If one of them had to win, I’m backing Longbottom. The increased rations seem to be benefiting him, it’s the smart choice, really. I don’t have very much faith in others. I reckon Briony will die for real next, possibly Will.” Alexis Endicus told us, “Longbottom’s ruthless so I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually kills a fellow champion in the next task to guarantee a win for himself.” Yikes! What a strong prediction. We hope that isn’t the case!
Support amongst the folks at home wasn’t very strong for our Hogwarts champions. Twila Wilde of Gryffindor admitted to us that the champions “should’ve spent more time in the dueling chamber when they were at Hogwarts. I can’t recall the last time I faced any of them outside of Briony in tournaments. How’re they meant to fight things if they hardly practice?” Professor Owens personally told this reporter that she hoped they would fall on their faces and Slytherin student Kerr Donovan stated that Okasna Orlova had already won it all by him. Opinions have been raised that Durmstrang has had the advantage over all the schools thus far as well. We shall see what this will do to our champions for the last task.
We of course hope the best for our Hogwarts students but have to wonder if the Goblet has maybe lost it’s touch or perhaps Hogwarts’ educational standards aren’t as great as they used to be. This last task will surely be legendary and we hope you tune in next week for our LIVE broadcast!
29 December 2014
Yes, I admit it. Quidditch rules my life. My boyfriend loves me for it, my best friend hates me for it, and my parents wish they had never bought me that old, trusty Eagle Pro. I’ve been to more games than I can count, thrown things at officiators who make horrible calls, and booed plenty of teams. To me, Quidditch is oxygen.
So, you can imagine my aggravation when I returned to my alma mater, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, to witness yet another defeat of perhaps the best team ever to fly brooms. I don’t think it’s quite understood, or appreciated, how amazing this team is. They work together fabulously, pull off plays flawlessly, and have fun. Not to mention they work harder than any team I've witnessed. And I've witnessed plenty of professional Quidditch team practices.
No one knows.
The Hufflepuff Quidditch Team has won one (just one) Quidditch cup in the entire history of the rebuilding of Hogwarts. The very first one doesn't even count as one, as the rules have been updated and refined, and it was snatched out of their hands immediately after. The team is made up of some of the best kids in the bunch, who work their hardest, and they have NEVER WON. I want to spotlight people who have never had the glory of the win. So far, the Hufflepuff Quidditch Team is the best team to have never won the coveted Quidditch Cup. No contest. None.
You may scoff at this article, or me, and say that I have reporter bias. I don’t care. Sure, I was a Hufflepuff. Sure, I played on the team. But since I left, those children have exceeded any expectation. They've surpassed goals, and certainly passed me as a player. They've improved so much. I watch them, and I am proud to say I know those girls and (so few) guys. Not flew with them. KNOW them.
Congratulations to Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Gryffindor. By no means did you play badly; I just think it’s time for those who aren't in the spotlight to finally be seen.
In my next few columns, I hope to highlight those lesser-known peoples, groups, and/or teams. You’ll meet the winner of the International Gardening Competition, lesser-known Quidditch players, Ministry workers. These people don’t work for fame, or recognition. They do what they do because they want to. I think it’s time they got some recognition for their effort. Feel free to contact me with any suggestions of people to give a few fleeting moments of fame. It’s nothing much, but it’s a start. The Wizarding World isn't made up of the big-shots; it’s the people behind the scenes that really make us tick.
Stick around for the Ms. Smith’s next article, coverage on New Zealand’s Gardening Competition, next week, only in the Daily Prophet.
Note: The thoughts and opinions expressed here are not necessarily that of the Daily Prophet. But they might be.
- Candace Smith
The current commander-in-chief at Hogwarts, Headmistress Arnaude Flamel, has done well to ensure the safety of her students from outside forces, but who’s protecting the students from internal threats? Since Flamel has stepped into power at Hogwarts, rumours have been floating about regarding the nature of her disciplinary methods. Shackling, what many students and parents originally thought to be a scare tactic to keep the children in line, have become a real, tangible, and archaically cruel punishment at Hogwarts.
At the end of the school year, three third year girls were caught sneaking into Flamel’s office on a dare. As punishment, they were shackled to the ceilings of the Great Hall, publicly humiliated in front of their peers and made out as examples for the rest of the day. The shackles were additionally charmed to burn their wrists if they moved too much.
This type of corporal punishment, popular back in the 1800s, seems outdated in today’s modern world. “I can’t even begin to describe what kind of damages a corporal punishment of this size does to a child’s psyche,” Rose Willoughby, healer, child psychologist, and author of The Delicate Magical Mind, lamented during a sit-down interview with me. “Even the muggles know better. It really begs the question which society, magical or muggle, is more advanced if this type of punishment is deemed acceptable at Hogwarts.”
We were lucky enough to get in contact with one of the aforementioned girls’ mother, who will be kept anonymous for her child’s safety. She was, predictably, outraged when she heard the news: “She claims to care about the welfare of our children, but how good can her security be if three thirteen-year-old girls are capable of breaching it? These barbaric punishments have nothing to do with protecting our children and everything to do with distracting us from the key issue: what is Flamel hiding that those girls accidentally stumbled into? The whole thing stinks of a cover up. I, for one, will be in contact with the board of governors and I urge every Hogwarts parent to do the same.” Unfortunately, this is not the first shackling since Flamel’s promotion, only the first that has reach our ears. Perhaps your child has already been shackled once and has been too scared to tell you. Then again, how much do we really know about what goes on at Hogwarts these days?
The Daily Prophet has previously celebrated the achievements of Headmistress Flamel. While we do commend her on maintaining the safety of our children, we are also committed to reporting the truth. The truth is your child could be the next to be shackled to the ceilings of the Great Hall. The new school year is fast approaching, so as you send your child off for another riveting year at Hogwarts, remember this: While we can rest well knowing our children are safe from Death Eaters and other outside threats at Hogwarts, who will keep them safe from the heartless hands of Headmistress Flamel?
I heard there's actually no such thing as wandless magic, and when you think you are doing wandless magic it's because an invisible mind-reading imp is floating around and performing spells as you think them. And then that's why it doesn't work so well with powerful spells, because the imps aren't smart enough. Is this true? How do I catch the imp so I can do wandless spells all the time?
- Kermit, Kent
I think somebody might be playing a little joke on you. Wandless magic is totally real, probably even more real than invisible mind-reading imps (although I can't rule out the possibility we just haven't discovered those yet -- they sound like they'd be sneaky!).
Instead of wondering about the IQ of an imaginary imp, if you want to do wandless magic you just need two things: knowledge of the right techniques and a whole lot of practice. The best way to master wandless magic so you can do it whenever you like is to spend some time immersed in a culture where wandless magic is common, or even the default option. I spent a year living in Africa in my twenties and not only was it an amazing experience in general, I came away with a vastly superior set of wandless skills compared to what European-derived magic suggests is possible.
But if immersion isn't an option for you, you can pick up the basics from books and develop your skills with intense practice. I can't help but suggest my own second book, Why Wands?, but if you ask a librarian you should receive a shelf-load of other great recommendations.
Written By: Molly Weasley II
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How does one become a poltergeist?
- Mischievous, Leeds
Short answer: you can’t, so you’ll have to satisfy your desire for chaos before you die.
Long answer: poltergeists aren’t ghosts! This is one of those cases where we have something waddling, quacking and suspiciously duck-shaped but it definitely is not a duck. Poltergeists were never living humans; they’re amortal spirits of chaos tied to specific locations. We call them “non-beings”, along with boggarts and dementors, and unlike ghosts they can both affect and be affected by the physical world and are also vulnerable to many of the same spells as other not-dead things.
We don’t really know what causes the birth of a poltergeist, although many theorise it’s simply due to a lot of chaotic energy localised in one area. There is some work ongoing now in Germany where researchers are attempting to intentionally recreate different kinds of chaos in different areas to see if we can predict where a poltergeist will be born. Their next experiment will probably be in seeing if they can get rid of them…
Yours, Ruby <3