With speculation thick in the air as the date of the First Task of the highly anticipated Tri-Wizard Tournament looms closer, we consider less of fact and more of fan driven myth. Let us change this today by thoroughly analyzing the facts as they present themselves:
The Tri-Wizard Tournament is a thrilling spectator sport. We can expect some thrill.
It is likely that the champions from each school will be working in groups for the first task.
Giant cages were reportedly brought into the country and have not been accounted for since. From this, we can deduce that the other theories have some basis in fact that our champions will be facing dangerous magical creatures of some sort.
There will be some element of challenge, for without challenge, it would be a poor tournament.
Separate, these bits of factual information tell us very little about the first task, but there is one Task that fits all of these criterion, and more. It is with the fact that none of this can be disproven, in mind, that I present to you the first task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament: Skyfall.
Champions will be working in teams grouped by educational facility, and will begin the task thousands of feet in the air, under a bubble head charm and atop a flying carpet. Each champion will be secretly charmed a certain ‘colour’, and will carry a gobstone of a different colour. Upon the start of the task, the carpet will be set aflame and the champions will proceed to free fall towards the ground. Any form of assisted flight or levitation is prohibited, but slowing charms will catch their fall at ground level. The objective is simple: each champion must figure out their secret ‘colour’ and be in possession of the matching gobstone by the time they hit the ground.
The catch? Each champion will be also strapped onto the belly of a dangerous magical creature. Any and all harm to these creatures will be prohibited and punishable by immediate removal from the area, severely crippling one’s team. The species of the creature is unknown to us as of now, but two of the creatures will be the same species, a nursing mother and the mother’s child. Another of the creatures will be the first creature’s natural predator. The final creature will be the first creature’s natural prey.
Our source assures us that none of these creatures will be winged and will be physically unable to harm the particular human strapped to them, but other sources inform me that magical creatures do not like freefalling from extreme heights and are likely to be hostile. We have also been informed that it will not be a free-for-all flying pit of doom and the different schools will take turns to complete this task, if at all possible.
Disagree with this speculation? Please send in any arguments and proof you have to dispute this along with your name, and all valid counter-proofs will be entered into a draw to win an exclusive Kasper Kats poster by tomorrow morning!
► Overnight, a great portable swamp has been released in the corridor outside the library. Is this an act of an overworked student or could it be attributed to the rising trend of vandalism at Hogwarts? Mrs. Norris has started stringent hourly patrols.
► A recall has been issued for as many as 26,000 boxes of Cheeri Owls for possible glass contamination in one of their ingredients, skrewt oil.
►Britain sees the largest flock of owls in the sky since the day You-Know-Who was defeated: tickets for The Pygmy Puffs' holiday concert have gone on sale, and only 1,000 lucky witches or wizards will make attendance. In response to the band's announcement of their pygmy puffs performing synchronized swimming on stage in late December, pygmy puff rights groups have launched an aggressive campaign to boycott the concert.
► Chad Knox will be live tonight, dishing out the odds on Durmstrang champions. Don't miss it or the recent string of articles at the Daily Prophet detailling trouble at the grand Triwizard Tournament.
► With the students’ release from exams, most to the warmth of well-missed homes or otherwise to the empty castle, torrential downpours have started all about the country, turning it into the wettest winter yet.
► A mysterious clank-clanking has been heard coming from the unused classroom’s closet. A head count of students before winter break confirmed that no one is missing, so the staff has been warned that the castle likely has another visitor in the form of a ghoul. The Ghoul Task Force has been scheduled for a visit.
► Equally mysterious is how girls and boys everywhere are finding themselves matched to their one true champion. Did Witch Weekly hire Seers for this project?
► Chaos erupted at the Ministry of Magic when a pygmy puff activist group sent a package with an extensive extension charm, releasing hundreds of the furry critters in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Personnel are advised to not condone cuddling with any escaped pygmy puffs. Please return them to the front desk.
► Despite repeated requests for interviews about the upcoming first task of the Triwizard Tournament, Official Zotkin has promised all "a good show" to look for. Now, if only tickets to Durmstrang weren't rarer than ones to the Pygmy Puffs' winter concert.
► Blame Herbert t-shirts have recently become “all the rage” on the international fashion scene.
► The comic book Snapeman has recently released a new line of action figures. Rumor has it there’s a removable hooked nose involved. Get your order in today!
►A litter of blast-ended skrewts appears to have made the rose gardens its home. Students should approach with caution.
► In Quidditch League news, this week's game took place in overly windy conditions, resulting in at least one weather related injury. The Montrose Magpies defeated Puddlemere United, 190 to 50, with leading goal scorers Rose Weasley of Montrose, Montgomery Wotherspoon and Elliot Golden of Puddlemere. Ultimately, the snitch was caught by Lellybelly Thanrion of Montrose, resulting in their victory.
► For Valentine's, Madam Puddifoot received a new shipment of self-writing love notes. An undetected defect however will cause, when left unattended, the self-writing love notes to write very rude letters. Love you too, poopbrains.
► The Whomping Willow has been particularly angry as of late and will whomp any passersby. Its anger is exceptionally vicious toward couples.
► Rumours are swirling throughout the magical music scene of a long-awaited new album from The Every Flavour Boys, after the group tried out new material at their one-off concert in the Peak District last month. If true, this will be the bands first new release since 2018.
► 14 year old boy (Noah Knightly) reported missing from the Knightly Home for Orphaned Boys on February the 1st. Please contact the authorities if you have any information regarding the missing boy.
► Meanwhile, at Durmstrang, despite outcry over the second task, Official Zotkin has been mute on the suspicious going-ons about the still frozen lakes which have been deemed off-limits to all except Ministry workers or the groundskeeper.
► Noah Knightly was found in Puddlemere. The 14 year old squib claims to have no knowledge as to how he made the journey beyond a yanking pull on his belly and Authorities have to wonder what an unregistered portkey was doing at an orphanage.
► Wizarding Fashion Week (this year held in Leeds, Yorkshire) was a roaring success, with the ‘it’ colours of Spring and Summer named as canary yellow, lavender and olive green.
► Rumors spread that a wild werewolf has been seen on Hogwarts grounds. The incident still remains under investigation, though many suspect the recently outed werewolf, Elodie Aldridge, to be suspect.
► Tension, bad romance and camaraderie on display at the end-of-the-year ball. An autograph from Triwizard Tournament champion Briony Prosser may well be worth 1000 galleons one day so be sure to get yours today.
Why do we like the Triwizard Tournament? Why do we keep up with its happenings, the going on, and the ‘glamour’? Is it for the trials and successes of its pubescent youth, far more capable in their young age than most of you, dear listens, as well as your host—who talks to such trash as yourselves?—no.
Cut the fancy talk! We’re in it for the dough. The fame! The pay-out and the danger. Who’s most likely to win? What school? Who’s the most likely to trip and die? (Based on his waistline, sources confirm Herbert Longbottom.) This is Chad Knox and we have got all your Triwizard gambling needs covered on Knox in the Night. Today’s talk, a champion spotlight. We’ve got inside info on the things you haven’t heard from ‘reputable news sources’—and we’ll let you in on the good scoops before you bring out the goods. Your bets are safe in our hands.
It’s time for Part 1 of our segment PROS & CONS! We’ll be looking at Durmstrang.
First up, Josef Köhler: Durmstrang Head Boy and resident bore. Pros: Proficient dueller, nice suits, good family breeding. Cons: Seems like a stick in the mud. Seem a bit too close to that falcon for comfort. Or is that just for the Chad?
Second, Oksana Orlova. Oooh, don’t you just love saying that? Ok-sah-nah. Damn. Pros: fiery red-hair, fierce temper, and of legal age. Cons: out of your league, and—as we’ve heard it—carries a spello-taped wand. Honey, you need real wood to do magic, you know? I’m sure one of our lads could get you some. Kidding, kidding, but seems our girl is all looks and no game.
We all love you here at Knox in the Night, Oksana, but your odds are 15/1.
Third in Headmaster Evernerd’s announcement was PEE SACK, ha ha, kidding, kid, damn. It’s Isak Blomqvist! We won’t bore you with details on this kid: built like a beanpole, somehow opens his mouth and words come out. Pros: alive; Cons: everything.
Odds: the same odds Isak will get a date by the end of this tournament—none. Odds for Death, on the other hand: 2/1. Rest in peace, peewee. Rest in peace.
Lastly, the wildcard of the group, we have Jana Köhler: Josef’s little sister. Although she has the same breeding as her dearest older brother, we don’t think the whole ‘face genes’ translated over as well. (Oksana, you are still our number one… at least until we get to the Beauxbaton birds). Really, we don’t really know what this girl is capable of, but she looks crazy. It’s in the eyes. Each photo-op’s translated more like a mug shot.
We’re going with 10/1 on this one, because we feel like it. We all have ex-girlfriends here at Knox in the Night. We know what ‘dem witches be capable of.
Now let’s take this session out with some Norwegian Death metal. Until next time, when we’ll be snuggling up with the Hogwarts twinkies.
This has been Chad Knox—Stay Nightly, Grimsby!
Welcome back! In our previous issue we covered six of the twelve representatives Hogwarts has chosen, and in this piece we will discuss the six we have left.
Hufflepuff delegate Briony Prosser is the one you should be betting on, with a list of achievements that many will only ever crave to have. Despite her many duties as Head Girl, the girl is a regular of the duelling chamber and is a consistent top-ranker in Hogwarts’ duelling tournaments. Her bubbly personality is sure to garner her the same popularity in Durmstrang that she already has in Hogwarts. Still, the upcoming Triwizard Tournament looks like it could turn into a battleground for ex-flings as Prosser admits she isn’t looking forward to sharing quarters with Chase Eaton, citing a history between the two. And just who exactly is Eaton? The Slytherin delegate doesn’t seem to be a popular name amongst his fellow representatives. In my curiousity I approached several other students, who expressed similar distaste. “I don’t get homesick,” he states when I prod him for more information. Based on the information I have gathered, there may be a bad boy in our midst, and it looks like there won’t be any love lost in his departure.
It’s a little known fact that Ravenclaw Will Kilmarnook is the twin sister of the Head Boy, Morgan Kilmarnook, and while she may have so far made a softer mark on Hogwarts than her brother, the Triwizard Tournament could very well be her opportunity to end her school years on a high note. Kilmarnook admits she doesn’t know what to expect from the challenges ahead, but also expressed a confidence in her physical abilities. Ever the Ravenclaw, the girl plans on stowing most of the winnings away for safekeeping, although some self-pampering before that won’t be out of the question.
Kai Fireblader considers himself a bit of an all-rounder among the hopefuls, with both the brawn and the brains to tackle whatever might be thrown his way. He was affable enough when I approached him, always adding to his answers a tinge of a laugh. The Gryffindor may be taken, but ladies might still want to take note. “I’ve always been a bit of a reckless soul,” confesses Fireblader when I ask him about his reason for entering. On the flipside, the Tournament may slowly drive Alice Bogswead into insanity. The girl states she is here just to prove a point, but will she soon find out she may be biting off more than she can chew? Bogswead is quick to reassure that she still has a good head on her shoulders. Only time can tell if the goblet tips in her favour.
Finally, we have the eldest son of the Longbottom family, the long-awaited Gryffindor delegate Herbert Longbottom. Longbottom has quite the legacy to live up to and we’re sure his family is just as thrilled as he is that he’s now one of the twelve chosen to represent Hogwarts. The seventh year admits that it will be tough leaving his family and friends behind, as it’s something he’s never done before. While he showed a surprising amount of modesty in the interview he gave, we shall soon see if he follows his father’s lead to greatness.
That’s all from me for now, but join us next time as the delegates head north and the real fun begins.
As the spotlight falls on the most outstanding of the British wizarding youth once again, you might find yourself wondering who exactly these twelve young whippersnappers are, shortly to be sent abroad as an example of Hogwarts’ educational prowess. Well wonder no longer! I was lucky enough to be granted short interviews with every member of the Hogwarts delegation earlier this week and let me tell you, Durmstrang is not going to know what hit it.
Those of you familiar with the professional duellist Avril Capalet might be tempted by her platform prowess to put your money on her younger cousin, a blonde Hufflepuff named Apple. However, this bundle of sunshine – and my quill is dripping with irony as I write that – is about as far from her determined and down-to-earth relative as you could get. Apple itches for “fame” and to “escape from all the losers at school” by competing in the tournament. While she might not seem the typical Hufflepuff, her fellow delegate Kaleb Anderson seems to fulfill all the expectations of his house. A Gryffindor, by all accounts confident and with a thirst for adventure, the sixth year is yet to be seen without a smile on his face. Whether it is a cheering charm gone wrong or just his natural persona is yet to be uncovered.
If you like your men (if you could call them men) a little more rough around the edges, look no further than seventh year Dictys Ator. Strikingly handsome, the Slytherin delegate with a particular talent for Transfiguration draws the eye naturally. Described by one anonymous female as “the perfect guy,” Hogwarts’ loss will surely be our gain as a newfound fondness for the library this year gives him an edge on the competition both intellectually and aesthetically. Perhaps he has study sessions with one Lilia McEvans, a Ravenclaw classmate and delegate who also takes pride in her academics. A dedicated student, the Prefect even states that she would donate any prize winnings to the staff of Hogwarts as a “token of appreciation for their continued efforts to educate us.” Lilia refuses to speak ill of any of her fellow delegates and even-handedly manages to negotiate her way around controversy. With a pretty face and flowing locks of strawberry blonde hair, we at the Daily Prophet doubt that will last for long.
More of an enigma is one of the youngest delegates, Slytherin Isabella Carter. Something of a lone wolf she admits that it will be “interesting” sharing her quarters at Durmstrang with her fellow delegates. And when probed for her strategy going into the tournament she replies, “I can’t reveal everything, can I?” with a wry smile. If there’s a femme fatale in the Hogwarts bunch it is bound to be this brown-haired beauty, who gives off the aura of always being one step ahead of the rest. Hufflepuff Quidditch star Ettie O’Malley brings us to our half-way point. Although not the most aggressive player, her absence will surely be felt on the pitch this year. If we are to assign characters to the delegates, O’Malley is surely the underdog. Understated and unassuming, the Prefect is the kind of girl easily lost in a crowd of larger personalities. We all know however, that it is often the quiet ones you have to look out for.
If this has whet your appetite for all the gossip from the Hogwarts camp, don’t miss my follow-up piece where we discuss the remaining six delegates, including the eldest son of the legendary Neville Longbottom.
Basking in the glory of their new-found fame, enter the freshly-selected Hogwarts delegates.
Your resident Daily Prophet reporter was left to observe the lucky twelve from afar, perched atop an old wobbly stool in Hogwarts’ Great Hall as the whole school attended a celebratory luncheon in their honour.
But it wasn’t all plain sailing, as events related in any way to the Triwizard Tournament are always guaranteed to be.
As expected, the three D’s – disruption, disagreement and disappointment – caused chaos throughout the entire sitting. The opening minutes of the affair saw a whole heap of complaints, including Hufflepuff Apple Capalet’s constant whining about the lack of salad on the menu and Ravenclaw Alice Bogswead’s declaration that the Professors had made too much of an effort. However, the award for the most inappropriate comment went almost immediately to Slytherin’s Chase Eaton, following an expression of his enthusiasm to watch his fellow delegates get maimed by savage beasts during one of the tasks.
And the surprises just kept on coming. In particular, Harry Potter’s fashionably late arrival caused quite a stir amongst the delegates, though we at the Daily Prophet are yet to work out whether the Hogwarts students were simply starstruck or outraged by their hero’s appearance in a suspiciously feminine scarf.
“It was especially cool to see Harry Potter show up,” Gryffindor’s Kai Fireblader told the Prophet, strongly backed up by the agreement of Ravenclaw’s Lilia McEvans who stated that it was “unbelievable,” but it seemed that Hufflepuff’s Briony Prosser felt inclined to disagree when she almost choked and died in the Auror’s presence. Coupled with the shocking conversation your humble reporter overheard between Hufflepuff’s Prosser, Slytherin’s Eaton and their fellow delegate Dictys Ator of Slytherin, we can only conclude that Hogwarts’ Head Girl prefers her men to dress in a more masculine way.
Undoubtedly, the history between these three students could be headline material – and interactions between Neville Longbottom’s son Herbert (Gryffindor) and Hufflepuff’s Apple Capalet also suggest an interesting past.
It is clear to see that this year’s Triwizard Tournament and the Hogwarts delegate selection will not disappoint! More to come as the events unfold.
The Triwizard Tournament has been a beloved tradition for the trinity of schools – Hogwarts, Beauxbatons and Durmstrang – for nearly 700 years. This year, hosted by the elusive Durmstrang Institute, it has promise of danger and adventure, thrilling tests for our brilliant youth. Just last night, a reliable source, speaking in anonymity, has released the following list of students who will be traveling to the frosty lands as Hogwarts’s delegates:
Ettie O’Malley Alice Bogswead
Will Kilmarnook Herbert Longbottom
Kaleb Anderson Chase Eaton
Just who are these teenagers who have been tasked with representing their school? As the weeks unfold, we here at the Daily Prophet vow to bring you the latest of news as they face tests of courage and character at Durmstrang. If the last tournament is anything to judge by, then we hope to be on the edge of our quills just as we were when Miles Weber dove off the Astronomy Tower as a canary to safety.
Yesterday the Daily Prophet received word that there was an accidental fire in the Headmaster’s Office at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Arthur Weasley, current headmaster of the school who is known for his love of muggle artifacts, left some of these devices in the office and one of them exploded, causing flames to singe some portraits of former headmasters and headmistresses. Today, a restoration professional entered the school to fix the portraits of Basil Fronsac, Brian Gagwilde, Eupraxia Mole, Phyllida Spore, Quentin Trimble, and Vindictus Veridian.
Once contacting Headmaster Weasley for comment, I was actually invited into the Headmaster’s Office at Hogwarts, which is a rarity for personnel outside of the school. When asked what had happened, Mr Weasley had this to say: “Most of the damage was sustained by my small collection of muggle artifacts. The portraits were only lightly singed. I’m sure I could’ve repaired them myself, but they wanted a magical art restoration professional. I suppose that is perfectly understandable.” He followed up with, “No lasting harm done. I wish I’d been there to see it.”
Throughout the interview, the portraits of some former headmasters and headmistresses had things to say. Dilys Derwent, who also has a portrait in St. Mungo’s told me, “That would have been quite the lengthy stay with me in my St. Mungo’s days were we not paintings. Good thing it was us who caught the brunt and not Arthur!”
Former Headmaster Limebert took another approach saying, “It’s terribly inconvenient, this whole ordeal. First the explosion and now artists working during my pre-designated nap times. I suggested that we just toss the damaged portraits into a closet and let them collect dust but that wasn’t met with as much enthusiasm as I would have liked.” Ambrose Swott also had something to say about the intrusion: “Wherefore art these peoples in my chamber? Be gone, be gone! I must needs be alone, be solitary, for if only to comb my whiskers. A pox! Fie unto them!”
Not to be outdone, Severus Snape would like to “formally request the newly restored, and more red-headed looking Spore be placed right next to me, and that Headmaster Trimble’s portrait be positioned far, far away from my… budding… portrait romance.”
By the time I left Headmaster Weasley and the portraits behind, the damaged ones had been restored to their former glory and were chatting away with the other paintings and the current headmaster. I would like to extend my happiness that the paintings were not badly harmed and that they could be restored so quickly. Best wishes to all the paintings of Hogwarts and let us hope that Arthur Weasley is more careful with his muggle objects from now on.
(OOC Note: The Daily Prophet would like to welcome and congratulate the new moderators of Virtual Hogwarts! We hope that you enjoy your new responsibilities and we wish you luck! Thank you very much to the seasoned mods for providing the quotes used in this article and for allowing me to write it! Lastly, look out for more DP action soon as we revamp the newspaper! Thanks, Barnabus Cuffe)
The Quidditch World Cup is here in the United Kingdom at last! The opening ceremony featured The Sparkle Lord in massive amounts of frivolity and sparkles, though the crowd seemed to love him and I’m fairly sure he’s written everything on the WWN ever. This year, competing for that elusive cup, will be Kenya, Madagascar, Brazil, El Salvador, Jamaica, Peru, India, Japan, Thailand, Andorra, Italy, the Netherlands, Poland, Russia, Ireland, and finally, the country we know you’re all rooting for, our very own England. Even though I know half of you will be rooting for Ireland or other pointless countries (with the exception of Japan, which is clearly going to come out the victor), England has a surefire team this year that’s guaranteed not to disappoint.
It’s about time, too. The English National Team has been a disappointment since 1966, but never fear! They’re stronger than ever this year, managed by Art Redknapp and going undefeated in the qualifiers. I don’t even know what the players are like on an individual level because their teamwork is simply stellar. Granted, there’s no Roderick Plumpton on the team, but then again, no one can beat him. The man’s set a precedent and no one is nearly that talented.
Keep an eye out for the Quidditch vets in the stands — I’ve heard that some of them might make an appearance. If anyone sees Plumpton or the Iwayama duo, be sure to send them over to me for an autograph. Or give them my owl address, that’s fine, as well.
More to come as the games begin, but for now, my money’s on Japan and England duking it out in the finals. My best to all the teams (not really).
- Feige Jarkeni
After the success of England’s domestic teams on both the British and international stage this year, it is no surprise that we at the Daily Prophet - and beyond! - predict greatness from our national team as they prepare for the pinnacle of wizarding sport: The Quidditch World Cup! The Daily Prophet has spoken with experts from every facet of the magical community to come up with solid proof that England’s path through the competition will be easier than cobbing a flobberworm.
First, there is the indisputable advantage of playing on home turf. While there are close to a thousand anti-muggle measures surrounding the site for miles with Calstock, Cornwall at the epicentre, even magic cannot ward off the ultimate disruption: British weather. With rain, sleet, and gale-force winds (and that’s just within the last twenty-four hours!) to contend with, it takes a thoroughly conditioned player to keep their eyes on the prize. “I’m more at home playing in the rain,” chuckles star chaser Amanda Overton, as she shakes the last remnants of a thunderstorm from her blonde hair after a match between her home Appleby Arrows and long-time rivals Puddlemere United. “If anything, England’s crazy weather will work in our advantage. No one else will have had time to acclimatise.”
Overton’s teammate Ambience Valentein and Falcons player Sebastian Montague make quite the seeker duo on the pitch. While Hufflepuffs and Slytherins might not have had much to do with each other in the halls of Hogwarts, out in the great wide world of Quidditch they make a formidable twosome. Although Montague had always been a star when it came to snitch business, it’s only in the past year that Valentein has really come into her own, and was a late addition to the team; sneaking onto the roster at the very last second. Some are piping her as England’s secret weapon on the pitch.
But familiar surroundings and star seekers aren’t the only reason that England has the upper-hand going into the tournament. As well as an influx of new talent, all chomping at the bit to prove their worth, veteran keeper Theodore Plunkett’s name appears on the World Cup roster for a record tenth time. Recruited straight out of Hogwarts at eighteen, the Tornados’ keeper prodigy was called in to replace an injured player in the 1986 World Cup and has been a permanent fixture on the line-up ever since. With a block to let-in ratio higher than any other British keeper in history, it’s no surprise that fans of Quidditch refer to him as ‘The Wall’.
With Plunkett guarding the hoops, the tournament really is England’s to lose. With cohesion between our beaters and chasers, the Daily Prophet is predicting some dazzling plays and phenomenal tactics – and we’re not the only ones! Amadeus Archer, the renowned wizarding astrologer has some interesting theories regarding the zodiac signs of English stars. “They’re all air signs,” he says of the chasers, “Great socialisers and in a game like Quidditch communication is key.” Of the team in general; “Honestly, I’ve never seen a more compatible group of players. The hard facts speak for themselves,” he gestures vaguely to the star-speckled sky as evening approaches the Daily Prophet offices.
If that wasn’t convincing enough for you, a ministry spokesperson from the Department of Mysteries spoke in confidence to our reporters. “I shouldn’t really be telling you this, but we’ve never had so many prophecies regarding England’s success! From approved seers and amateur enthusiasts alike.” They added, “Usually people predict a crushing defeat for England in the very first round.”
Ask anyone – this alignment of talent, optimism and sheer luck comes along but once in a generation. Support England today or you’ll be kicking yourself when they chase, beat and seek their way to the final. Whatever the route, this year we can assure you of England’s final destination – VICTORY!
In the lush lobby of the Wizarding chain of hotels – Le Sivier – the glittering god known as The Sparkle Lord is casually draped across a plush chair in a steel-grey suit, sequined waistcoat and luminous overly-tanned skin the only indication of his dazzling stage persona.
One he had sworn to give up over a decade ago…
With rumours of an illegal potion addiction rife and with a number of lack-lustre performances, the Sparkle Prince – as he was then known – looked to be losing his shine. The world-famous presenter and former Mr Magical Universe winner was slated by the press, forcing him to go into self-imposed exile, where he allegedly penned the best-selling Afterlight series.
Now, Appletini in his ring-studded grasp, he is back on form with a new title. Flashing his gleaming smile, the Sparkle Lord revealed: “I want to find that special spark again. We all make mistakes and we learn from them. It’s my life’s work to bring a sparkle to the world and more importantly, in these troubling times, to remind people that they can shine too.”
The troubling times he refers to are the Death Eater attacks which had been a plague upon the country for numerous weeks. Flirtatiously waving over a lithe waiter to order another cocktail, wafting his own unique scent into the lobby – a powdery jasmine scent – a few heads turn from the bar, followed by excited muttering: “Is that who I think it is?” “Hasn’t he aged well.” “I hear he’s half-Veela.”
The compliments and rumours he only ever addresses with a polite smile, before steering himself diligently back on track. “There should only be one lord,” he continued, referring to the elusive Dark Lord behind the spate of vandalism, crime and murder, “That’s me, the Sparkle Lord, and I’m bringing the magic back.”
But is the Sparkle Lord’s glimmering return in any way connected to the upcoming Quidditch World Cup Opening Ceremony? With pursed lips and a solemn shake of his head, he refuses to give anything away.
England is hoping to use the World Cup to boost its tourism business, but it’s got to be wondered whether it will work at all. In terms of where tourists are most attracted to visit, England is only at #32 in the world compared to a reasonable #6 last year*.
Reasons cited for this atrocious dip in ranking include the weather, and Death Eaters. More accurately, it involves the sheer number of public attacks in the last two years. Two major shopping areas, Diagon Alley and Oxford Street, have been hit. The impenetrable Gringotts had a troll sized hole in the wall for a week. Children were kidnapped off the Hogwarts grounds with two Professors killed in the process and a further attack in Hogsmeade happened conveniently on a day Hogwarts students were visiting. Barely last week, the students were attacked on the Hogwarts Express itself.
If it serves as any proof that a Quidditch match is a delightfully large and populated area for the Death Eaters to attack in, look only at last month. 72 were injured and eight left dead at the Appleby Arrows vs Holyhead Harpies and for once it wasn’t the fault of the Harpies’ pet harpy.
Anyone who thinks that England is safe from Death Eaters is out of their mind. Anyone who thinks that there will be enough of these people to overcome the sinking tourist trade is even more out of their minds. At the moment, not even the English think this.
Of course, the English are known for being happily pessimistic at the best of times, so perhaps it would be more apt to draw on a different English trait, such as bearing whatever happens with unyielding tenacity. Arrows player Amanda Overton comments thus: “I’m not going to get them get to me. What happened was a tragedy and the best way to honor those fans who never returned home is to bring the trophy home.”
The final qualifiers are done, and now the real action begins. A large village on the edge of Cornwall, Calstock has been chosen to host the matches. 90,000 people will pack the newly built Calstock stadium in just under a year’s time for the final match with millions more tuning in to listen at home, but there is still plenty to happen before that.
The final 16 teams facing off against each other will be:
England vs Andorra (26 Sept, 3pm)
Jamaica vs Brazil (27 Sept, 3pm)
India vs Russia (28 Sept, 2pm)
Poland vs Ireland (29 Sept, 3pm)
Italy vs Netherlands (30 Sept, 2pm)
Madagascar vs Kenya (1 Oct, 2pm)
Peru vs Thailand (2 Oct, 2pm)
El Salvador vs Japan (3 Oct, 2pm)
All matches will be commentated live on WWN1, with pre-match comments and interviews starting at 1:30pm (3pm start time) or 12:30pm (2pm start time).
The lucky eight will then start semi-final matches from mid-November onwards.
The wizarding world has once again been struck by terror after only a few months after the kidnapping scandal of last winter. Then it was our children who were endangered, taken right out from under our noses from arguably one of the safest places in Great Britain, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Today, it was a hub, a popular haunt, a place where witches and wizards visit in their everyday lives that was the setting for the latest devastation. Today, one place one may never worry about visiting was nearly completely torn apart.
Hooded figures appeared in the packed streets and began to terrorize shoppers and passersby as well as stores and their employees. The group responsible is believed to be some or all of the Death Eaters although aurors have not confirmed this. Aurors were called in and arrived just in time to fire back at the suspects. Some shops have been destroyed and others have suffered some damage. Many injuries are being reported but no deaths at this time. All planning to go to Diagon Alley in the next few days are encouraged to stay home while the shops are repaired and evidence is searched for.
More information will be reported as soon as it becomes available.
Sleekeazy is now recalling all products from their VeelaBeauty line. The products claim to give your hair a shine “as fine as a veela’s” but have been reported to have cause hairloss and discoloration. It it advised to stop using these products. Sleekeazy has promised full refunds to those who mail back their bottles to them.
Earlier this week a London man reported that cases of butterbeer had gone missing in his home while he was sleeping. Charles Bowdon said that sometime between the times of 9am and 5am someone broke into his home and stole the cases. Nothing of value seems to be messed with. Anyone with information on this should owl the Magical Law Enforcement Squad.
The Comet Trading Company have reported that top secret designs of their proposed model The Comet 360 have been taken from their research lab. The broom was expected for release in the next two years after intense safety testing. There was no evidence left behind for the persons involved in this break in. Investigators believe this was done by more than one person given the security place on their research building.
The Magical Law Enforcement Squad have released the name of the London man who was caught confounding muggles out of thousands of pounds. Desmond Bickle, a London native, has reportedly been charming muggles out of their money for years. Investigators finally witnessed his acts in a sting operation. “I’m not surprised. I’ve been owling for years about my things going missing! I’m just glad he’ll finally be caught for what he was doing! It’s endangering the secrecy between our world!” said a neighbor who wished to remain anonymous.
Aurors have taken into custody Blaise Zabini in relation to a gruesome set of mass murders committed earlier this morning. Details of the murders will not been released to the general public until the victims’ families have been notified, but the death count is anticipated to be high. One witness to the aftermath stated that, “… [Some of the] bodies were unrecognizable. It was gruesome, the byproduct of a mad man.” Aurors were not directly available for comment.
Zabini, a lawyer, has represented over the years several high-profile suspected criminals. His victories in the courtroom outweigh his defeats, leading one frequent rival to suggest underhanded play. There is no proof to support this theory, though his connections within the wizarding world are impossible to deny.
A close friend, Alaric Montague, owner of several exclusive clubs throughout England, was made available for comment following news of his friend’s arrest and subsequent incarceration. His hurt and confusion are evident within the shockingly blue orbs that sit upon prominent cheekbones, blond tresses creating a halo-effect about his angelic face, as he, obviously overwhelmed by emotion, manages a short statement. “Blaise was a long-time friend and confidant. I am shocked by these allegations and hope that, while the facts support the conclusions made by the Aurors, this is somehow one massive misunderstanding.”
Zabini is being held in Azkaban where he will await his trial. It is so far unclear as to what may have prompted his actions. Attempts to question Zabini have turned up no evidence and reports are that he appears to have, “… Completely lost it, ranting and raving about nothing inparticular.” One source claimed, with exasperation, that questioning turned into Zabini displaying his knowledge of the alphabet song. The defense may be hoping to use insanity as a defense and an associate of Zabini’s, who will remain nameless for posterity sake, suggested that, “… [Zabini] may be faking, playing up the idea of a lunatic to escape punishment.” Another coworker was overheard saying that, “He was always mixed up with the bad sorts. It’s no surprise he offed those people. Guilty by association.”
All that can be known for certain is that Zabini is being held in Azkaban and will remain there until his trial. There are no other suspects at this time.
This season has started off with a few killer matches, the first being the talk of the Quidditch community – the recent game between the Cannons and the Arrows. The Cannons beater twin duo Phyllis and Ulric Wing kicked off the match with a double-bludger to the head of Arrows seeker Ambience Valentein, who was out within the first few seconds of the game, a record for the Wing twins. Valentein was replaced with reserve Spellman Swick, a delightful newcomer who seems eager to prove himself. Less-than-experienced Cannons seeker Spruce Littlesteen gave him a run for his galleons, though, and it appears that such galleons are in reality leprechaun gold because both seekers failed to catch the snitch within a twelve-hour window. Arrows chasers Amanda Overton and Ryuichiro Takeda dominated the field, an unstoppable team that did would have won the game had it not been for the shocker ending. Cannons chaser Karen Clint made 90% of the Cannons’ goals for the entire game, but in a surprise move Valentein apparently regained consciousness and was subbed back into the game. She quickly caught the snitch, which ended the game, but the Arrows surprisingly lost despite gaining the snitch thanks to Clint’s expertise, which barely pulled the Cannons over and gave them a win of 190-170.
The other games in this first round of eliminations were not so exciting, with many of the games being fairly cut-and-dry. The Falcons vs Magpies game showed a disappointing loss for the Falcons despite the majority of the Magpies’ players being largely inexperienced in professional Quidditch. New to the Magpies this year is keeper Atwell Sinclair, a young but surprisingly good player who (by luck, in my opinion) caught the majority of slightly-more-experienced Falcons chaser Oliver Fulton’s shots. Fulton, one of the youngest chasers on the Falcons team, was well-guarded by talented beater Everett Slater, who has one hell of an aim and almost managed to take out Sinclair himself but missed by a unicorn tail hair. Falcons seeker Sebastian Montague barely lost the snitch to the Magpies’ secret weapon Tabitha Peters, and the game ended in favour of the Magpies, 180-140.
The Wanderers defeated the Tornados in a disappointing match where Tornados seeker Amy Chang was overpowered by the beastly Iris Keller, who caught the snitch for the Wanderers and made them victors with a score of 200-130. The Wasps were defeated in a quick game against the Catapults 160-110 despite an admirable effort to dominate the bludgers from Wasps beater Rathe McGrath and the always-beautiful technique from Wasps keeper Nathan King, and the Harpies lost to the Bats in a very close match despite Harpies beaters Gwen Willoughby’s return and Krystela Hextor’s expertise. The Bats won 170-160 and also sent Harpies beater Holly Gabriels to the hospital tent with every bone broken in her entire left arm, subbing in Stella Wanderer to add to the beater impressiveness. Puddlemere United did not disappoint in a somewhat expected win against the Kestrels, with Beth Golden-Keisi back despite the recent birth of her newest child. Newcomers Louis McQueen and Gabriel Monaghan joined the Kestrels’ ranks as keeper and beater, respectively, and although Puddlemere won 190-150, McQueen and Monaghan proved to be promising.
The recently-rebanded Bangers played Cork and apparently the Bangers managed to keep the sherry and Daisyroot Draught away from their players because the Bangers won by an impressive landslide, even though Cork seeker Isaac Michaelson caught the snitch within four hours – 210-160. Yorkshire beat Pride of Portree despite Portree seeker Matt Wilson’s quick action, Yorkshire seeker Izumi Young sliding in just underneath him and ending the game with a small score of 160-130. Ilkley lost to Lancanshire with a pitiful score of 170-110 and Barnston is set to match Lancanshire next week.
League director Phineas Watson promised us it would be an exciting season, and that’s definitely a promise he can keep. The next round of eliminations is set to have the following matches: Magpies vs Cannons, Wanderers vs Catapults, Bats vs Puddlemere, and Bangers vs Yorkshire.
- Feige Jarkeni
Over the past couple of weeks, Care of Magical Creatures Representatives have been tending to a number of household calls, which have suggested that the local bowtruckle population of the United Kingdom is now at a higher rate than ever before. The Ministry confirmed suspicions yesterday morning, announcing that the bowtruckle population of the UK has increased by 163% in the past three years. Apart from the statistics, exact numbers were not released, although they are expected to be in the high thousands. According to Authority Spokesperson, Blake N. White, there is no definite answer to this spike. No cause to this increase has been stated, although botanists attribute the rise to growing Wizard Communutiy and Muggle preoccupation with environmental causes, planting more trees, and giving the bowtruckles access to cleaner water sources.
More commonly found in the countrysides of Germany and Scandanavia, the bowtruckles have been popping up more prevalently around English grounds, spreading from the West into UK countryside and cities. They’re tiny creatures, found in any common tree, and mirror the appearance of its habitat. They’re made up of bark and twigs, which serves well as a natural method of concealmeant, making them often hard to spot. The wood of these tree-homes, however, is often used for wand making. Ollivander’s has reported no such shortages in wands as of yet, and tells us that the public need not be worried, and that there is “absolutely no need to panic.”
Most locals seem to agree, or are largely unaware or uninterested in the creatures—understandably, since their presence is not often felt. Still, there have been some complaints.
“I hate those bowtruckle beasties,” Gladys Over of Sussex says of the incident. “They were munching on my petunias, so I gave one a slight knock round the wooden bottom and sent him on his way.”
The Daily Prophet in no way condones the following advice in dealing with the bowtruckle population spike; however, they advise the community to stay vigilant, perhaps instructing children to stay out of trees for the time being on the rare chance they might encounter one. If not, the animals can be distracted and caught with wood lice or fairy eggs, two of the bowtruckle’s favourite foods. This is largely unnecessary, nevertheless. Even in the case of direct contact, the bowtruckle is a gentle creature by nature, and unlikely to be violent unless provoked or directly approached. Experts agree: they do not expect the bowtruckle trickle to have much of an affect on daily life; nor should those at home.
The Ministry of Magic aurors have been busier than usual lately because of some puzzling disappearances and daunting deaths. It seems that the times are getting worse again as there have been several instances lately have made the front page here at the Daily Prophet that have us wondering about trying times coming ever closer.
A number of people have gone missing according to the Auror Office, although they have withheld names until the investigations are over. The number of disappearances has spiked over the last few months from a few to “a vast number”. When asked, a spokesperson for the Auror Office declined answering how many people in total are missing.
The body count has also jumped over the last few months. The Auror Office has not yet named the deceased but assured us that they are doing everything they can to find the missing and who is responsible for these deaths. There was no comment on if all of these occurrences could be related or if they are the work of a numerous evils as some of the bodies might have been drained of blood. Let’s all hope that the Ministry of Magic is doing everything in their power to find the culprit/s.
As summer for the children of the wizarding world approaches, one has to wonder if our children really are safe at home with us or if it is better off for them to be at Hogwarts. No disappearances or deaths have been reported from the school but it seems that those of us who are out and about are most at risk.
Are you scared to bring your children home? Do you have an opinion on these disappearances or deaths? Write in to the Daily Prophet to let us know.
8 July 2025
Hi Amy! Just thought I’d let you know that my dragon has since escaped. If anyone in the mid-Wales area sees a smallish green and red dragon that answers to the name of Bubbles, please leave an advert in the Daily Prophet and make it cryptic. Talk about a red and green ‘barbecue’ or something. Wouldn’t want the Ministry catching on after all…
Dear Tiamat, I hope this is an assumed name. If not… well, I guess my next letter to you will be sent to Azkaban.
I have a phobia of teeth. It is very hard for me to look in the mirror in the morning or brush my teeth or even eat anything. Please help me!
-Kyle from Kilmarnook
Dear Kyle, I don’t know how you have lived this long! If your phobia of teeth is that bad surely you would have died from starvation by now. I suggest that you take a trip to St. Mungo’s and explain your predicament so they can figure out what the heck is wrong with you, since it is clearly pretty bad.
How do I explain to my professor that her hairstyle is severely outdated?
~Molly Tweedles, Hogwarts
Dear Molly, This is a tough one. Usually I would bluntly tell my professors such things but I didn’t care about getting on their bad side. I sense, since you are asking, that you care what they think of you and don’t want to get in trouble. I say that you write them an anonymous note and leave it on their desk. That, or convince someone else to tell them for you. Bully them into not giving your name away.
Other students are mean to me at school and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t help it that I’m small and that my clothes are hand-me-downs. I just want to be able to go to class without feeling scared all the time.
–Stanny from somewhere at Hogwarts
Dear Stanny, I say you punch them all in the face. Just because you are small doesn’t mean you can’t be strong. You should work on getting stronger and then show them all that you are better than them. That’s what I did and look where I am now. Just remember to protect your face when you get in a fight… girls don’t like ugly guys.
Sometimes I steal things from the shop I work at in a muggle store. I can’t help it but the objects that muggles use are fascinating. I don’t know what to do. Please help me!
-Stela from London
Dear Stela, I think you should return everything secretly and then quit your job. Clearly you should not be around muggles or muggle items. You need to distance yourself from them so there is no urge for you to steal muggle objects. Perhaps you should find a job in Diagon Alley where you will be with stuff familiar to you. That, or you should be put in muggle jail for stealing things. You decide.
If you’d like to write to Amy, please send a letter to:
Amy, Advice Columnist
Daily Prophet Offices
Banchory somehow thinks that enough time has passed for it to attempt to reband its Quidditch team into the British and Irish League, or perhaps they at least think we don’t remember that match against the Arrows where they hit the bludgers out of the pitch in 1814.
But will two hundred and ten years be enough to reset this Scottish team’s slate and make them a force to be reckoned-with? The League apparently seems to think so, since they approved the Bangers’ petition to reband on 18 September 2024. Will this team live up to expectations? Or will they throw another afterparty sporting plenty of sherry and Daisyroot Draught?
“We’re dedicated to creating a stable team this year,” says League Director Phineas Watson, a former chaser and captain of Puddlemere United, “We feel that they’re up to the challenge.” Watson also mentioned that anyone in possession of firewhiskey at the tryouts would be immediately disqualified from making the team.
Here’s to hoping the Bangers aren’t a team of total fools this year, and if they are, then that it’s entertaining to watch.
- Feige Jarkeni
6 September 2024
I have a wart on the end of my nose and it’s rather unsightly. I have tried many a beautifying potion to remove it but it simply grows back. Please help.
– Warty in Worcester.
Dear Warty, Maybe your wart is there for a reason. Have you ever thought of that? I don’t know what that reason could be, but you should think on it for a bit and try to come up with something. Or you could just try and work the wart. Perhaps you could make it look cool or something. But if you really want to get rid of the wart, however, try going to St. Mungo’s to see if the healers there can help you out. I hear they know all kinds of ways to cure problems.
I’m afraid my sister is a squib. She is six years old and has not yet shown even a bit of magical ability. I even gave her my wand to play with and all she managed to do was get it stuck in her ear. Should we give her away to a family of muggles?
~Julia in Bury St. Edmunds
Dear Julia, I honestly think that your sister is a genius. Perhaps she is hiding her magical ability from you just to annoy you. Maybe she doesn’t like you and would rather be sent off to live with another family so she wouldn’t have to deal with you any longer. Sounds like she’s a Ravenclaw to me! Just wait and eventually I’m sure you will see that she is a witch. Just watch out for when she could do magic, she might try and get you back for sending this in.
Why do my friends think it’s strange to be obsessed with wizarding pop sensation Dustin Tieber? They always tease me about it at mealtimes and someone drew a moustache on my poster with permanent marker. Now he looks like an old muggle dictator. What can I do to show them how wonderful he is?
-Brian, Definitely not from Hogwarts
Dear Brian, I am most certain that people are doing this to you because you are a boy that is obsessed with Dustin Tieber. Had you been a girl, I’m sure the taunting would not have been nearly as bad. If you talked less about him and focused more on the people around you, I bet things will get better. I also suggest that you take down the posters you have as him, as that will just result in more moustaches being drawn on his baby face.
Why is it 2024 and there is still blood prejudice? It’s not really fair, is it? I mean, people shouldn’t have to worry about being disliked just because of what they were born. It’s not their fault anyway. And everyone should be equal since there are smart and dumb people in every crowd, etc. Is there something we can do to stop this?
~Ruby from Blackpool
Dear Ruby, I don’t really think there is much anyone can do. You can’t just make people think what you want them to think. If they believe that muggleborns are bad, they believe that, and they have the right to. There is no law about what you or anyone else can believe in. We can’t go around policing thoughts. However, if you see someone around you being mistreated because of their blood status, you could step in and try to stop it. (For the record, I’m half-blood, in case anyone was wondering.)
Is there such thing as a part-troll? Because I swear a kid in my year is half-troll or something.
–Ashley from Ashbourne
Dear Ashley, I’m actually not sure. I do find it weird that I got two questions about blood status this week. Anyway, I would ask a professor at the school since they must have records on this sort of thing. Or, better yet, visit the library and look it up. If you find out, let me know, I’d love to know the answer.
Recently a wild dragon wandered onto our grounds. I think it’s just a Common Welsh Green, but it’s only a baby and I really want to keep her. She has only burnt down one of our five out-buildings so far. Do you think it’s safe to keep her tied to a fence on our lawn? It’s near a stream so she can drink.
Dear Tiamat, You sound like an idiot. Dragons are supposed to be handled by professionals ONLY and you are no expert. Everyone knows that dragons are dangerous! Where did you grow up? And did you even go to school? I would report the dragon to the Ministry of Magic straight away so it can be taken to a reserve before any muggles see it. You better hope you don’t get arrested.
If you’d like to write to Amy, please send a letter to:
Amy, Advice Columnist
Daily Prophet Offices
My crops are growing fine, thank you. If he can afford enough aurors to have one attack an eleven-year-old (while D.E.s are running loose!) then money isn't the problem when trying to send someone to Hogsmeade/Hogwarts.