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Harpies Declare War with Infallible Reorganisation Strategy

The Holyhead Harpies have been on a losing streak since the beginning of the fall Quidditch season, possibly due to their newest addition as a Beater-Chaser swing, Kate Davies. They suffered a supremely embarrassing loss in their most recent game against the Falcons, bringing this season’s win-loss ratio to 5:1, but in the game against the Montrose Magpies they played last Thursday at the Hardson Stadium in Holyhead apparently meant pulling out all the stops.

The Harpies pulled a fast one at the Magpies game, switching up their players’ positions. Beaters Krystela Hextor and Stella Wanderer (and swing Davies) served as Chasers while Chasers Laila Froglegs and Gweneviere Hogstader served as Beaters. Keeper Cayden Harlow Murray was the only one who seemed to keep her position, but after a couple of hours Captain Hextor called a time-out and swapped herself out for Murray. Most notably was Chaser Lilia McEvans, who–though she had hardly ever played anything but Chaser in any other match prior to this one–was thrown in as Seeker.

At first, this reporter thought this move was remarkably stupid. But as the game went on and the Murray-Wanderer-Davies team shot goal after goal, this reporter was slightly more convinced that this was not stupidity: this was the first sign of genius that had arrived in the professional Quidditch world since the Plumpton Pass.

“It was a sort of reset,” explained Froglegs after the match, facing a stadium of tear-stained faces of diehard Harpies fans. “We’d been in a rut, and we pushed out of it, because we’re innovators. We’re thinkers in addition to athletes. We’re the foundation of brilliance, and the Magpies are sure not to forget it.”

Although the Magpies–in particular the Magnificent Chaser Duo consisting of Rose Weasley and Keira Paddock–managed to score a flurry of goals, consistently outscoring the Harpies right when the Harpies had taken the advantage, McEvans managed to snag the snitch at the last moment via Wronski Feint under the nose of an rather baffled (and possibly furious) Lellybelly Thanrion–ending the game 270-140 in an unexpected Harpies victory. Thanrion, who also plays for the England National Team, was not available for comment following the match.

“I thought it was the quaffle,” said McEvans.

Spoken like the words of a true warrior. McEvans tends to give off the airheaded appearance, but don’t let her dazed expressions fool you on the pitch. Her Seeking work was quite the stroke of genius coming from the Harpies, and it’s clear that this up-and-coming Seeker simply doesn’t care to share her secrets.

“What secrets?” said McEvans, with her signature stealthy baffled look, but this reporter knows better, and Quidditch fans ought to pick up on it, too. Certainly, the Magpies will learn not to underestimate this newfound Seeking genius.   By Feige Jarkeni

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

The Hunt for Rogue Santa

LONDON - Recent reports about a real life Santa have been crossing the desks of Accidental Magic Reversal Squad agents for the past week, with no sign of stopping anytime soon.

The first came several weeks ago, when an impersonator at Harrod’s managed to shoot a silent Instant Scalping Hex at the mother of a five-year-old muggle, who was heard muttering to the wizard in disguise that all he wanted was for his “Mummy to quit spending so much time on her hair in the mornings and make [him] a proper breakfast.” Mr. Claus had apparated from the scene before the AMRS and Obliviators arrived.

Since then, many other instances have sprouted across the city. A collector dressed in the red, white-trimmed garb was sighted shouting lewd comments about Rudolph the beloved reindeer and where exactly he could shove his nose before sending several Cheering Charms out into a crowd of nonmagical citizens waiting for the oncoming morning train. At a local drugstore, medications were replaced with expired Fizzing Whizbees, hospitalizing no less than three people. Those folk have since been cured at St. Mungo’s and had their memories appropriately modified, though the increase in attacks has left those on the case believing that there may be various copycat Rogue Santas added to the mix.

“It’s an obvious violation of the Statute of Secrecy, which is why we’re concerned,” said Nicholas Frost, the Squad-Man on the case. “The more we allow these Rogue Santa attacks to occur, the more the muggles might actually expect a miracle on Christmas. You can imagine the shock on some parents’ faces when they wake up to empty stockings and crying kids on Christmas morning.”

The Rogue Santa(s) could face up to twelve years in Azkaban for their exploits, though it’s uncertain if a partridge in a pear tree will be awaiting them upon their release.

If you have any information that could be of help regarding this case, please forward all owls to Level Three of the Ministry of Magic, or here to the Daily Prophet.

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Nothing but a Try-Hard?

Taking illegal magic carpet rides, dancing with mooncalves, and inspiring rebellion among teenagers; these might sound like the warning signs of an out of control star. In truth, that was only the beginning. Since hitting the music scene only a year ago, tweeny bopper ma&a (AKA The Artist Formerly Known as Who Even Cares) has gone from down-to-earth to all-out and extreme. She has shocked the nation and world.

The drastic makeovers, including the occasional self-transfigurations, have been called edgy and over the top, but we all love to see a young star exploring their style and identity. What we never expected was the sudden escalation over the past few weeks leading up to the stars greatly anticipated Christmas release. With the announcement of her engagement to none other than a river troll, the wizarding world has been left dazed and confused.

To make matters even more controversial, rumor has it that it won’t last. The current record for shortest celebrity marriage, a whopping 3 days and 5.7 minutes, has lasted over the past fifteen years. Many doubt ma&a will last 1 day in what is clearly an attention-grab.

Frankly, ma&a’s outrageous stunts reek of desperation. Let it be said that she is trying much too hard, walking on thin ice for publicity. No one wants their fifteen seconds of fame to end, and she obviously wants a permanent spot in the limelight. There’s no such thing as bad publicity, as the saying goes, but there comes a time when stars like ma&a need to take a step back and think of all the teens following in her footsteps.

But is she really responsible for their choices, when being scorned by the older generation is still better than being a nobody? Should it be any cause for a witch hunt, when her only crimes are bizarre taste and recklessness? It might not be fair to blame her, but she definitely should step it up. Magic carpet rides are so thirty years ago.

By Talia Ayers

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Your Guide to the Stars

PHOENIX
23 Dec - 9 Jan
Do not let yourself be overwhelmed by stress, there is still time to achieve what you set out to do. Take advantage of your innate stubbornness and you will see it through. Similar to the Augurey, while distractions are needed as well be chary of which ones are worthy of your devotion.

YETI
10 Jan – 18 Mar*
It has never been a better time to leash your tongue than today, or else you may just blow down the house of cards you have so determinately constructed. It will see you through in your love life.

LEAPING TOADSTOOL
29 Feb
You’re convinced that you will neither advance in love or at work but if you let go of your conviction and realise that the planet continues to spin – no day can be taken back –you will advance in at least one of the two.

MOKE
19 Mar – 21 Mar
Ever heard of the saying ‘Unlucky at cards, lucky in love’? Lottery ticket purchases aren’t advisable but go talk to that crush of yours.

FAIRY
22 Mar – 20 Apr
There is beauty even in decaying leaves. Not all comments are critiques so like the Yeti, keep a leash on your tongue and control your moody temper until you calmly process the spoken words. Hindsight won’t mend all your hurt relationships.

AUGUREY
21 Apr – 22 May
Something you had planned for the day will be cancelled but you’ll be quick to fill the gap in your schedule. Just remember that it has merely been postponed and work still awaits you in the future. It is essentially better to do it now than later.

AETHONAN
23 May – 30 Jun
You are taking up space when there isn’t any; don’t spread out your wings just yet. While it is good that your eyes are set on the skies you better make realistic plans in the small time frame that you have if you want to achieve anything worthwhile.

PLEIAD
1 Jul – 31 Jul
Hold steadfast onto your beliefs and good things will come to you. Just remember to keep a calm demeanour despite the copious annoyances that you will encounter today.

SALAMANDER
1 Aug – 20 Sep
It’s been hard, I know, but your patience has finally paid off. Like the Pleiad, keep a calm demeanour but unlike them you will not battle copious annoyances, but yourself. Don’t let your victory get over your head.

MOKE
21 Sep – 24 Sep
Ever heard of the saying ‘A loser in love in gambling wins’? Today, this is true for you and it might be high time to buy a lottery ticket, but don’t over-do it or you will be a loser in both. Also minimize your interaction with any Moke born as the month wanes.

STREELER
25 Sep – 13 Nov
The well-deserved appreciation in the workplace hasn’t been shown to you and it’s due time you ask for the respect that you deserve. However don’t be disrespectful about it.

HINKYPUNK
14 Nov – 21 Nov
You’ll finally be able to taste the fruits of your labour. You will inspire those around you to follow in the same suit and spark some of your ambition into them. Relax today and enjoy that long postponed night out with your Salamander friend.

GLUMBUMBLE
22 Nov – 22 Dec
While your mood might not be at its peak do not neglect your responsibilities, you’ll just prescribe yourself unremitting headache in times to come, and if you choose to ignore that headache there will be one nice giant wall up ahead the road for you to slam into.   * Excluding 29 Feb   By Dione Odhar

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Hexing Hextor

The Quidditch world is on high alert. And I’m not talking about the ridiculous manner in which the Magpies have been taking the league by storm. Flattery O’Malley, custodian of St. Mungo’s, has confirmed that the Captain and Beater of the Holyhead Harpies, Krystela Hextor was admitted under suspicious circumstances late last night.

“She was conscious and clinging to her beater’s bat. I wasn’t in the room, but the word around St. Mungo’s is that she was declaring her love for the thing! With her husband standing right there! Can you imagine?” O’Malley was the only member of the staff willing to comment but a trip to the Ministry of Magic was able to answer a few more questions.

It seemed that the Magical Law Enforcement Squad had brought in an unruly Billy Jenkins, 54, of Hamstead Heath. This isn’t Jenkins first brush with the law. Just five years ago he was brought in under suspicion of tainting a local muggle watering hole with illy prepared potions. It seems he may have been up to the same shenanigans.

If you’ve ever seen the team of witches on the pitch in the heat of the match, then you know how very feisty their lot can be. The entirety of the Harpies was waiting for “their turn,” to ask Jenkins a few questions. If you ask me, he would fair better to be set loose in a tank of grindylow.

But from what I can gather, Jenkins snuck into a normally heavy guarded practice wearing a quite humorous get-up. A frumpy old spinster’s dress, heels, a handbag and a dusty gray wig. In fact the only thing that he has admitted to the authority’s thus far is that, “m’ girdle keeps ridin’ up. Can’t I visit the ladies’ room?” Obviously the man is a bit touched in the head.

Sources say he was tossing amortentia laced bonbons up in the air. It is not yet confirmed whether or not Hextor fell victim to his no doubt rancid loved potion. As of right now, it seems that Wanderer may have to come off reserves to fill in for the next match.

One can only imagine how Hextor’s many, many children are taking this sudden occurrence. Particularly the three that are now attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  Bless their little hearts.

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Promising Game Turns Out in Anticlimax, Reporter Left Picking Nose

Saturday’s game was supposed to be an epic battle of raging rivalries and bloody noses. Featuring two teams of former Hogwarts students, one largely comprised of Slytherin alumni and the other full of alumni pledging loyalties to every house but Slytherin, the Falcons v Puddlemere match was expected to be a game of old vindications and people with something to prove.

All that they proved, though, was that none of them had any stamina whatsoever.

Pathetically, the game lasted five minutes. Five. I fly all the way to Cambridge for this game and it’s a rubbish five minutes. I even bought butterbeer.

After about three quaffle passes and maybe half an intercept, Puddlemere’s Golden-Keisi deftly snagged the snitch with both hands. The only saving grace was how royally annoyed the Falcons’ Montague appeared at this snitchercept, which our photographer caught in a brilliant photograph. But really, I took a day off to fly to this game and spend a weekend watching it. I was promised at least two hours of violent bludger pong. And nothing. Nothing at all.

By Feige Jarkeni

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Odds N Ends

CLASSIFIED
ADVERTISEMENTS    Jobs The hosts of the Annual Broom Race of Sweden is seeking twenty hard-working young people to man stations along the flying route to ensure a lack of cheating. Must possess your own fire-proof cloak. Send application to Jo Ann at Owl Box 444882, Őstersund, Sweden.   For Sale Elegant pewter lion base, fire-colored turkey feather quill. Imported from the States. 4 Galleons, 7 Sickles, 28 Knuts. Send notice to Box 2, Yorkshire UK. THE VERY FIRST RIDGEBACK RACER off the production line FOR SALE! Pristine Mint Condition! Never touched by a greasy hand, handled only with fine white gloves. 150 Galleons, FIRM. Owl Box 0200, Iverness, Scotland.   Lonely Hearts Fun-loving spontaneous seventy-eight year old looking for summer fling. Ladies, send a message to Owl Box 8, Yorkshire, UK. Twenty-four old male seeks female within five year age range. Must love the Harpies and cats. Send a note to Owl Box 91, Devonshire, UK. I do not like birds. I do not like horses. I do not like dogs. I like fish. I am a forty-four year old female. Post information to Owl Box 0824, Iverness, Scotland.   Births & Deaths Paisley Rose PAGLEY: On 3rd September 2030, to Mary (née Smith) and Evan Pagley, a daughter, Paisley Rose. Mairead A. MCKENNA: On 12th September 2030, to Meaghan (née MacDougal) and Aaron McKenna, a daughter weighing in at 3.97 kg. Rozalija Gintare & Pranciškus Stephonas LIUDVIKA: On 27 September 2030, to Edita (née Aras) and Marijus Liudvika, a daughter and son. O’LEARY, ANNABELLE passed away on Sunday 22nd September 2030, leaving behind children Daniel, Seamus, and Roxanne; grandchildren Jan and Michael. Service to be held at Godric’s Chapel in Ramsey, Isle of Man.   Other Announcements Mr. and Mrs. McDermott of Berwickshire, Scotland, announce the engagement of their daughter, Sally Anne, to James McAngus, son of Frederick and Sarah McAngus of Berkwickshire, Scotland. No date has been set for the wedding. Mr. and Mrs. Jansteen of Ennis, Ireland, announce the engagement of their son, Gregory Dane, to Wanda Aberlane of Croesgoch, Wales. The date of the wedding has been set for 20 February 2031. Black tie event, invitations will be sent next month.   (Minor) International News… aka Rumors Alesandre Pequito of Spain is reported to have cast an Unforgivable at a house elf. Since the house elf was his own, the Spanish Authority has turned a cheek to the situation. An insider tells us that the “Spanish Authority considers House Elves to be property and not intelligent beings, therefore it would be the same as if Señor Pequito had cast the spell on a tea cup.” The Stop International Mistreatment of House Elves (S.I.M.H.E) has descended upon Spain in protest of this situation. If you would like to help SIMHE’s efforts, please send a letter to Owl Box DA58774 in Ostrova, Latvia, citing your previous efforts in bettering House Elves’ lives.   By Kyle Trevor-Banes

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

Ghostly Retribution

Something - or someone - has fired up the ghosts in a stir. Strange murmurs fill the corridors as castle denizens gossip about what could have inspired such lively activity. A ghostly uprising is the most popular theory, though no one seems to be prepared for more than an unpleasant tingle.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Wanted: Mitten Wrangler

A garden gnome pillaged all of the mittens from the Greenhouses last night. The suspect is described as ten-inches tall, middle-aged and wearing an oversized fedora. If seen, please report to Professor Nash. Falsely accusing any first years of the crime will result in a full investigation!

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Hippity-Hoppity, Boo?

Panic and mayhem within the Ministry has left several workers hopping mad. Despite feeble efforts to cover up the mishap, St. Mungo’s influx of patients who were bleeding profusely from gaping wounds and mysterious bite marks was enough to gain the attention of this reporter. Bunny Rabbits–that’s right people, carnivorous, flesh-eating, blood thirsty bunnies–have set up camp in the Ministry of Magic.

Tucker Flaxen, sub-standard Healer, said, “Weird shenanigans are often diverted here to the First Floor, but we assure you we have the healing side of things under control. If you could strap half the nutters in the Ministry to a gurney and let me have my way with them, we’d have that side under control, too.”

A little prodding and prying and we managed to locate the source of the bunny infestation. It seems that Sally McNair, formerly under the employment of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, became rather disgruntled when relieved of her duties after cross-breeding your average garden variety rabbit with a rabid murtlap. Instead of crustaceans, the appetites of these newly carnivorous bunnies includes, but is not limited to, human flesh.

Sally was reported to have said, “I only released two, but I suppose you know about bunnies and how quickly they multiply, I’ll take credit for the first two, the rest is all on everyone else for providing such a romantic atmosphere.”

By Nathara Froglegs

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

The Price of High Fashion

In the midst of latest fall issue of Diagon’s Bazaar, the debut of various collections and the sudden surge in controversial trends have caused an uproar in the socially-conscious wizarding population. Various organizations such as Wizards for Beast Rights have banded together to not only boycott any and all sales of the offending products, but to also hurl accusations left and right. Coupled with bamboozling numbers and suspect facts, their loud complaints have been a source for bad publicity for the wizarding world’s most famous designers.

Picture this: a flock of peaceful demiguises, bred and hunted for their highly coveted pelts. These endearing little animals live in the East Asian wilderness and are known for their innate ability to turn invisible. It is their hair that enables them to simply disappear from sight.

The Fur vs. Faux debate has lasted for decades with no resolution, and it has been taken to a new level as many witches and wizards have been considering the poaching of these beasts for their hair. For years, demiguise hairs have been used in the making of high quality invisibility cloaks, but it no longer stops there. As the latest trends have gathered momentum, the wealthy have taken to a new style of prêt-a-porter: woven in with the cloth is the invisible hair, creating elaborate and abstract patterns that are a source of wonder, awe, and confusion. Right now, it is cool to strut about head-to-toe in Sior, partially invisible to the rest of the world.

But what is the cost? The safety and welfare of these creatures are at stake, and the reputations of labels and designers at stake as activists dedicate themselves to being a pain in the rear. Are these designers guilty of one of the most heinous crimes imaginable to man? Are they the next Dolores Umbridges of the world, letting poor, defenseless magical creatures suffer in the name of fashion?

On the other hand, could it be just another high price of fashion? Can we trust the whims of the masses to put a stop to this trend, one and for all? We will have to see.   By Talia Ayers

Daily Prophet

Daily Prophet

 

All Hallows' Eve

Students are encouraged to dress warmly even in costume, as temperatures hover around 5C/41F. Also: avoid the unused classroom, which temporarily has been taken over by spiderwebs due to some overzealous Halloween fans.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Musical.. Sporks?!

The Accidental Magical Reversal Squad were called to a flat in Birmingham on Tuesday after a young boy inadvertently prompted the cutlery to perform Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 23. 16 Muggles had their memories of the event wiped. The young wizard in question—a Mr. Andrew Vane—was enjoying his eighth birthday party at the time.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Accio Flu Epidemic

The Wizarding World is suffering its latest bought of the Accio Flu. Make sure to wash your hands after every meal and toss two pinches of newt's lung behind your back before leaving the house to avoid infection. When sneezing, the Accio Flu will summon and permanently attach any foreign objects to your person — and sometimes, foreign persons to your person, as well. Stay Healthy.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Are you a Tart fan?

Clarice Merriden, lead guitarist for The Custard Tarts, has revealed details of a new side project called The Screaming Banshees. The Isle of Man native announced the news at her recent Diagon Alley signing and revealed that fans could expect an album in 2031.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Castle Watch

After a long, long summer, Hogwarts castle seems to be particularly lonely. Activity has been reported all over the castle, mostly of the moving staircase on the fifth floor that loves trapping first years.

Students are warned to not keep their owls in the West Tower until newbie caretaker? giant? hobo? (Professor) Urguy investigates the source of the owls' excessive.... you know.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

 

Random VH Happenings

► As September rolls in, temperatures slip to 60F/15C. Lamb is in abundance, and the elves are busy in the Kitchens preparing warm, comforting lamb stew every Tuesday.   ► Pocket sneakoscopes have gone off intermittently since whispers of a ginger menace began to circulate.   ► After a long, long summer, Hogwarts castle seems to be particularly lonely. Activity has been reported all over the castle, mostly of the moving staircase on the fifth floor that loves trapping first years.   ► Students are warned to not keep their owls in the West Tower until newbie caretaker? giant? hobo? (Professor) Urguy investigates the source of the owls' excessive.... you know.   ► Odessa Tutella has been dismissed as caretaker at the Knightly Home for Orphaned Boys after it was discovered her unauthorized portkey led to the short disappearance of a boy last spring. The former Hufflepuff has refused to grant us an interview and has retired to her sister’s house in Tottenham.   ► Clarice Merriden, lead guitarist for The Custard Tarts, has revealed details of a new side project called The Screaming Banshees. The Isle of Man native announced the news at her recent Diagon Alley signing and revealed that fans could expect an album in 2031.   ► The Wizarding World is suffering its latest bought of the Accio Flu. Make sure to wash your hands after every meal and toss two pinches of newt's lung behind your back before leaving the house to avoid infection. When sneezing, the Accio Flu will summon and permanently attach and foreign objects to your person — and sometimes, foreign persons to your person, as well. Stay Healthy.

Wizarding Wireless

Wizarding Wireless

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