SCOTLAND—As the recently developed strain of spattergroit runs rampant through the halls of Hogwarts, parents are forced to ask themselves: are our children safe anymore?
Sources confirm that the highly contagious disease has been allowed to spread among students at an exponential rate, contaminating at least 15% of the student population in two short months. The illness causes the skin to break out in purple pustules that heal over into hideous scars and often results in months of bedrest and occasionally death. The number of infected continues to rise daily, and as Headmaster Arthur Weasley, former Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office and known veteran of Second Wizarding War, continues to turn a blind eye on the situation, parents, the Prophet, and above all the Hogwarts School Board of Governors have been forced to ask the questions that no one else has dared to as the plague has grown worse.
“Does Weasley truly care about the welfare of the students or is he just interested in pushing his liberal agenda?” asks Alaric Montague, the dashing frontman for the Governors. “It’s as if he wants the children to be infected through his lack of action. So typical of him and his ilk to be paralyzed by ineptitude.”
Montague, one of the primary sources of funding for the prestigious school of witchcraft and wizardry, has been known to frequently voice his distaste for the current Headmaster. His doubts about Weasley’s ability to facilitate a positive learning environment for the United Kingdom’s most gifted students has begun to reach a crescendo as he asks to know “EXACTLY what steps Weasley plans to take to ensure the safety of our children” and continues to be answered with silence.
We kindly advise all parents to send a letter to their students to ensure the stability of their health, as it is believed that the Hospital Wing Staff at Hogwarts has been prohibited from releasing owls about the situation themselves.
If you have any information that could be of help regarding this case, please forward all owls to the Daily Prophet.
APPLEBY — Quidditch fans take note: if you’re looking for a spectacular game, a plethora of blood, and a good chance that you’ll come home with a broken nose, go to an Arrows v Wasps match. The statistics for Tuesday’s game between the long-time rivals were unprecedented, and we’re not talking about the score: By the end of the game, every player was injured (including every alternate), and there were a record number of spectator casualties–both from rabid fans and player intervention.
Whether the players intended to injure select audience members is of much debate. Arrows Chaser Amanda Overton’s rumoured ex-lover was reportedly in the crowd, which might have been the source of one particular quaffle chucked toward the crowd, though the rest were arguably in-game affairs. Overton and fellow Chaser Ryuichiro Takeda are known for their ridiculous throwing range, and when combined with teammate Baldwin Dumay, the trio is violently unstoppable, the pride of everyone from the Cumbria area (btw, the Jarkeni clan says hi).
Dubbed the “Bloody Brigade” by their fans, the trio is notorious for using quaffles illegally (ingeniously) as bludgers halfway between the passer and the recipient, adding an extra threat in cooperation with the Arrows’ beating team. Unfortunately for the Arrows’ legal team, this also translates into occasionally underestimating their strength and shooting the quaffle directly into the open arms (and face) of an unfortunate (or fortunate), dedicated fan.
Such incidents occurred no fewer than five separate times at Tuesday’s match, which resulted in a couple of riots amongst fans who were jealous of such special treatment. Wasps fans, who tried at first to pretend they were above it all, broke out into separate riots halfway through the match–or what we saw of it, anyhow. After the fifth hit proved to be no guarantee that the violence would dim down as the match progressed, Quidditch officials ended the game and partnered with local authourities to break everyone up and take statements. Ministry officials have been assured that the violence was simply “all in good fun,” according to one grinning fan with a loose tooth or two.
The fan continued on to imply that he only showed up to Quidditch matches for the fights, which, while ignorant at the concept of how amazing Quidditch is, is admirable. “It’s the thrill of the chase, no matter how you spin it,” the fan, who wishes to remain nameless, said. “I love not knowing what’s going to happen next with the chickens. Yodeling. Pancakes on a Pluto trombone. Wizengamot.” He then started mumbling other incoherent phrases, and was collected by a concerned/annoyed Mediwitch who tsked loudly at him.
The good-fun theory was reinforced by amiable pats-on-the-back by previously rioting folks. Ministry officials estimated about 4,000 galleons done in damage to the stadium, personnel, and guests.
Team captains have supposedly disciplined their teams to prevent further incidents,but Quidditch officials have banned the teams from playing each other until further notise. The game ended officially on a no-score draw, but everyone knows the Arrows would have won, anyway.
Affronted mum of student who flooded the fifth floor launches a campaign against the Weasleys' shop. Pamphlets rain down every morning in the Great Hall, lecturing on the liberal leniencies by the headmaster and violence against bums due to inadequate safety warning labels on WWW's fireworks.
After months of suspicions over the standards of the Pre-Hogwarts Primary kitchens, reports have been received concerning the most recent, rather chatty pupils residing in the school’s cooking facilities.
The Office of Magical Health Inspection has been on record stating that “the issue had not been brought to their attention until very recently,” and that the office’s chief inspectors would be resolving the issue as soon as possible. However, the Prophet has been receiving news about the pests for months now, recalling in particular the complaints of the mother of one Delphine Dinkleberry, a student at the primary school who brought one of the rats home after claiming that its voice sounded just like her Uncle Rudolph’s.
“I wouldn’t let my daughter near cafeteria food to save my life,” the mother proclaimed firmly to reporters, surrounded by many of her peers. “Especially not when there’s vermin lying in wait quite literally asking my child to carry its diseases.”
Among the chief concerns regarding this case is how the rats started talking in the first place. Theories include but are not limited to a silencing potion gone wrong meant to be distributed by the current heads of staff at the school and the possibility that the infamous Master Yoshi of Muggle Ninja Turtle fame has finally released his offspring into the public community.
The Misses Blythe and McManus were unavailable for comment on the situation. As were the rats.
The Holyhead Harpies have been on a losing streak since the beginning of the fall Quidditch season, possibly due to their newest addition as a Beater-Chaser swing, Kate Davies. They suffered a supremely embarrassing loss in their most recent game against the Falcons, bringing this season’s win-loss ratio to 5:1, but in the game against the Montrose Magpies they played last Thursday at the Hardson Stadium in Holyhead apparently meant pulling out all the stops.
The Harpies pulled a fast one at the Magpies game, switching up their players’ positions. Beaters Krystela Hextor and Stella Wanderer (and swing Davies) served as Chasers while Chasers Laila Froglegs and Gweneviere Hogstader served as Beaters. Keeper Cayden Harlow Murray was the only one who seemed to keep her position, but after a couple of hours Captain Hextor called a time-out and swapped herself out for Murray. Most notably was Chaser Lilia McEvans, who–though she had hardly ever played anything but Chaser in any other match prior to this one–was thrown in as Seeker.
At first, this reporter thought this move was remarkably stupid. But as the game went on and the Murray-Wanderer-Davies team shot goal after goal, this reporter was slightly more convinced that this was not stupidity: this was the first sign of genius that had arrived in the professional Quidditch world since the Plumpton Pass.
“It was a sort of reset,” explained Froglegs after the match, facing a stadium of tear-stained faces of diehard Harpies fans. “We’d been in a rut, and we pushed out of it, because we’re innovators. We’re thinkers in addition to athletes. We’re the foundation of brilliance, and the Magpies are sure not to forget it.”
Although the Magpies–in particular the Magnificent Chaser Duo consisting of Rose Weasley and Keira Paddock–managed to score a flurry of goals, consistently outscoring the Harpies right when the Harpies had taken the advantage, McEvans managed to snag the snitch at the last moment via Wronski Feint under the nose of an rather baffled (and possibly furious) Lellybelly Thanrion–ending the game 270-140 in an unexpected Harpies victory. Thanrion, who also plays for the England National Team, was not available for comment following the match.
“I thought it was the quaffle,” said McEvans.
Spoken like the words of a true warrior. McEvans tends to give off the airheaded appearance, but don’t let her dazed expressions fool you on the pitch. Her Seeking work was quite the stroke of genius coming from the Harpies, and it’s clear that this up-and-coming Seeker simply doesn’t care to share her secrets.
“What secrets?” said McEvans, with her signature stealthy baffled look, but this reporter knows better, and Quidditch fans ought to pick up on it, too. Certainly, the Magpies will learn not to underestimate this newfound Seeking genius.
By Feige Jarkeni
LONDON - Recent reports about a real life Santa have been crossing the desks of Accidental Magic Reversal Squad agents for the past week, with no sign of stopping anytime soon.
The first came several weeks ago, when an impersonator at Harrod’s managed to shoot a silent Instant Scalping Hex at the mother of a five-year-old muggle, who was heard muttering to the wizard in disguise that all he wanted was for his “Mummy to quit spending so much time on her hair in the mornings and make [him] a proper breakfast.” Mr. Claus had apparated from the scene before the AMRS and Obliviators arrived.
Since then, many other instances have sprouted across the city. A collector dressed in the red, white-trimmed garb was sighted shouting lewd comments about Rudolph the beloved reindeer and where exactly he could shove his nose before sending several Cheering Charms out into a crowd of nonmagical citizens waiting for the oncoming morning train. At a local drugstore, medications were replaced with expired Fizzing Whizbees, hospitalizing no less than three people. Those folk have since been cured at St. Mungo’s and had their memories appropriately modified, though the increase in attacks has left those on the case believing that there may be various copycat Rogue Santas added to the mix.
“It’s an obvious violation of the Statute of Secrecy, which is why we’re concerned,” said Nicholas Frost, the Squad-Man on the case. “The more we allow these Rogue Santa attacks to occur, the more the muggles might actually expect a miracle on Christmas. You can imagine the shock on some parents’ faces when they wake up to empty stockings and crying kids on Christmas morning.”
The Rogue Santa(s) could face up to twelve years in Azkaban for their exploits, though it’s uncertain if a partridge in a pear tree will be awaiting them upon their release.
If you have any information that could be of help regarding this case, please forward all owls to Level Three of the Ministry of Magic, or here to the Daily Prophet.
Taking illegal magic carpet rides, dancing with mooncalves, and inspiring rebellion among teenagers; these might sound like the warning signs of an out of control star. In truth, that was only the beginning. Since hitting the music scene only a year ago, tweeny bopper ma&a (AKA The Artist Formerly Known as Who Even Cares) has gone from down-to-earth to all-out and extreme. She has shocked the nation and world.
The drastic makeovers, including the occasional self-transfigurations, have been called edgy and over the top, but we all love to see a young star exploring their style and identity. What we never expected was the sudden escalation over the past few weeks leading up to the stars greatly anticipated Christmas release. With the announcement of her engagement to none other than a river troll, the wizarding world has been left dazed and confused.
To make matters even more controversial, rumor has it that it won’t last. The current record for shortest celebrity marriage, a whopping 3 days and 5.7 minutes, has lasted over the past fifteen years. Many doubt ma&a will last 1 day in what is clearly an attention-grab.
Frankly, ma&a’s outrageous stunts reek of desperation. Let it be said that she is trying much too hard, walking on thin ice for publicity. No one wants their fifteen seconds of fame to end, and she obviously wants a permanent spot in the limelight. There’s no such thing as bad publicity, as the saying goes, but there comes a time when stars like ma&a need to take a step back and think of all the teens following in her footsteps.
But is she really responsible for their choices, when being scorned by the older generation is still better than being a nobody? Should it be any cause for a witch hunt, when her only crimes are bizarre taste and recklessness? It might not be fair to blame her, but she definitely should step it up. Magic carpet rides are so thirty years ago.
PHOENIX 23 Dec - 9 Jan
Do not let yourself be overwhelmed by stress, there is still time to achieve what you set out to do. Take advantage of your innate stubbornness and you will see it through. Similar to the Augurey, while distractions are needed as well be chary of which ones are worthy of your devotion.
YETI 10 Jan – 18 Mar*
It has never been a better time to leash your tongue than today, or else you may just blow down the house of cards you have so determinately constructed. It will see you through in your love life.
LEAPING TOADSTOOL 29 Feb
You’re convinced that you will neither advance in love or at work but if you let go of your conviction and realise that the planet continues to spin – no day can be taken back –you will advance in at least one of the two.
MOKE 19 Mar – 21 Mar
Ever heard of the saying ‘Unlucky at cards, lucky in love’? Lottery ticket purchases aren’t advisable but go talk to that crush of yours.
FAIRY 22 Mar – 20 Apr
There is beauty even in decaying leaves. Not all comments are critiques so like the Yeti, keep a leash on your tongue and control your moody temper until you calmly process the spoken words. Hindsight won’t mend all your hurt relationships.
AUGUREY 21 Apr – 22 May
Something you had planned for the day will be cancelled but you’ll be quick to fill the gap in your schedule. Just remember that it has merely been postponed and work still awaits you in the future. It is essentially better to do it now than later.
AETHONAN 23 May – 30 Jun
You are taking up space when there isn’t any; don’t spread out your wings just yet. While it is good that your eyes are set on the skies you better make realistic plans in the small time frame that you have if you want to achieve anything worthwhile.
PLEIAD 1 Jul – 31 Jul
Hold steadfast onto your beliefs and good things will come to you. Just remember to keep a calm demeanour despite the copious annoyances that you will encounter today.
SALAMANDER 1 Aug – 20 Sep
It’s been hard, I know, but your patience has finally paid off. Like the Pleiad, keep a calm demeanour but unlike them you will not battle copious annoyances, but yourself. Don’t let your victory get over your head.
MOKE 21 Sep – 24 Sep
Ever heard of the saying ‘A loser in love in gambling wins’? Today, this is true for you and it might be high time to buy a lottery ticket, but don’t over-do it or you will be a loser in both. Also minimize your interaction with any Moke born as the month wanes.
25 Sep – 13 Nov
The well-deserved appreciation in the workplace hasn’t been shown to you and it’s due time you ask for the respect that you deserve. However don’t be disrespectful about it.
HINKYPUNK 14 Nov – 21 Nov
You’ll finally be able to taste the fruits of your labour. You will inspire those around you to follow in the same suit and spark some of your ambition into them. Relax today and enjoy that long postponed night out with your Salamander friend.
GLUMBUMBLE 22 Nov – 22 Dec
While your mood might not be at its peak do not neglect your responsibilities, you’ll just prescribe yourself unremitting headache in times to come, and if you choose to ignore that headache there will be one nice giant wall up ahead the road for you to slam into.
* Excluding 29 Feb
By Dione Odhar
The Quidditch world is on high alert. And I’m not talking about the ridiculous manner in which the Magpies have been taking the league by storm. Flattery O’Malley, custodian of St. Mungo’s, has confirmed that the Captain and Beater of the Holyhead Harpies, Krystela Hextor was admitted under suspicious circumstances late last night.
“She was conscious and clinging to her beater’s bat. I wasn’t in the room, but the word around St. Mungo’s is that she was declaring her love for the thing! With her husband standing right there! Can you imagine?” O’Malley was the only member of the staff willing to comment but a trip to the Ministry of Magic was able to answer a few more questions.
It seemed that the Magical Law Enforcement Squad had brought in an unruly Billy Jenkins, 54, of Hamstead Heath. This isn’t Jenkins first brush with the law. Just five years ago he was brought in under suspicion of tainting a local muggle watering hole with illy prepared potions. It seems he may have been up to the same shenanigans.
If you’ve ever seen the team of witches on the pitch in the heat of the match, then you know how very feisty their lot can be. The entirety of the Harpies was waiting for “their turn,” to ask Jenkins a few questions. If you ask me, he would fair better to be set loose in a tank of grindylow.
But from what I can gather, Jenkins snuck into a normally heavy guarded practice wearing a quite humorous get-up. A frumpy old spinster’s dress, heels, a handbag and a dusty gray wig. In fact the only thing that he has admitted to the authority’s thus far is that, “m’ girdle keeps ridin’ up. Can’t I visit the ladies’ room?” Obviously the man is a bit touched in the head.
Sources say he was tossing amortentia laced bonbons up in the air. It is not yet confirmed whether or not Hextor fell victim to his no doubt rancid loved potion. As of right now, it seems that Wanderer may have to come off reserves to fill in for the next match.
One can only imagine how Hextor’s many, many children are taking this sudden occurrence. Particularly the three that are now attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Bless their little hearts.
Saturday’s game was supposed to be an epic battle of raging rivalries and bloody noses. Featuring two teams of former Hogwarts students, one largely comprised of Slytherin alumni and the other full of alumni pledging loyalties to every house but Slytherin, the Falcons v Puddlemere match was expected to be a game of old vindications and people with something to prove.
All that they proved, though, was that none of them had any stamina whatsoever.
Pathetically, the game lasted five minutes. Five. I fly all the way to Cambridge for this game and it’s a rubbish five minutes. I even bought butterbeer.
After about three quaffle passes and maybe half an intercept, Puddlemere’s Golden-Keisi deftly snagged the snitch with both hands. The only saving grace was how royally annoyed the Falcons’ Montague appeared at this snitchercept, which our photographer caught in a brilliant photograph. But really, I took a day off to fly to this game and spend a weekend watching it. I was promised at least two hours of violent bludger pong. And nothing. Nothing at all.
The hosts of the Annual Broom Race of Sweden is seeking twenty hard-working young people to man stations along the flying route to ensure a lack of cheating. Must possess your own fire-proof cloak. Send application to Jo Ann at Owl Box 444882, Őstersund, Sweden.
Elegant pewter lion base, fire-colored turkey feather quill. Imported from the States. 4 Galleons, 7 Sickles, 28 Knuts. Send notice to Box 2, Yorkshire UK.
THE VERY FIRST RIDGEBACK RACER off the production line FOR SALE! Pristine Mint Condition! Never touched by a greasy hand, handled only with fine white gloves. 150 Galleons, FIRM. Owl Box 0200, Iverness, Scotland.
Fun-loving spontaneous seventy-eight year old looking for summer fling. Ladies, send a message to Owl Box 8, Yorkshire, UK.
Twenty-four old male seeks female within five year age range. Must love the Harpies and cats. Send a note to Owl Box 91, Devonshire, UK.
I do not like birds. I do not like horses. I do not like dogs. I like fish. I am a forty-four year old female. Post information to Owl Box 0824, Iverness, Scotland.
Births & Deaths
Paisley Rose PAGLEY: On 3rd September 2030, to Mary (née Smith) and Evan Pagley, a daughter, Paisley Rose.
Mairead A. MCKENNA: On 12th September 2030, to Meaghan (née MacDougal) and Aaron McKenna, a daughter weighing in at 3.97 kg.
Rozalija Gintare & Pranciškus Stephonas LIUDVIKA: On 27 September 2030, to Edita (née Aras) and Marijus Liudvika, a daughter and son.
O’LEARY, ANNABELLE passed away on Sunday 22nd September 2030, leaving behind children Daniel, Seamus, and Roxanne; grandchildren Jan and Michael. Service to be held at Godric’s Chapel in Ramsey, Isle of Man.
Mr. and Mrs. McDermott of Berwickshire, Scotland, announce the engagement of their daughter, Sally Anne, to James McAngus, son of Frederick and Sarah McAngus of Berkwickshire, Scotland. No date has been set for the wedding.
Mr. and Mrs. Jansteen of Ennis, Ireland, announce the engagement of their son, Gregory Dane, to Wanda Aberlane of Croesgoch, Wales. The date of the wedding has been set for 20 February 2031. Black tie event, invitations will be sent next month.
(Minor) International News… aka Rumors
Alesandre Pequito of Spain is reported to have cast an Unforgivable at a house elf. Since the house elf was his own, the Spanish Authority has turned a cheek to the situation. An insider tells us that the “Spanish Authority considers House Elves to be property and not intelligent beings, therefore it would be the same as if Señor Pequito had cast the spell on a tea cup.” The Stop International Mistreatment of House Elves (S.I.M.H.E) has descended upon Spain in protest of this situation. If you would like to help SIMHE’s efforts, please send a letter to Owl Box DA58774 in Ostrova, Latvia, citing your previous efforts in bettering House Elves’ lives.
By Kyle Trevor-Banes
Something - or someone - has fired up the ghosts in a stir. Strange murmurs fill the corridors as castle denizens gossip about what could have inspired such lively activity. A ghostly uprising is the most popular theory, though no one seems to be prepared for more than an unpleasant tingle.
A garden gnome pillaged all of the mittens from the Greenhouses last night. The suspect is described as ten-inches tall, middle-aged and wearing an oversized fedora. If seen, please report to Professor Nash. Falsely accusing any first years of the crime will result in a full investigation!
Panic and mayhem within the Ministry has left several workers hopping mad. Despite feeble efforts to cover up the mishap, St. Mungo’s influx of patients who were bleeding profusely from gaping wounds and mysterious bite marks was enough to gain the attention of this reporter. Bunny Rabbits–that’s right people, carnivorous, flesh-eating, blood thirsty bunnies–have set up camp in the Ministry of Magic.
Tucker Flaxen, sub-standard Healer, said, “Weird shenanigans are often diverted here to the First Floor, but we assure you we have the healing side of things under control. If you could strap half the nutters in the Ministry to a gurney and let me have my way with them, we’d have that side under control, too.”
A little prodding and prying and we managed to locate the source of the bunny infestation. It seems that Sally McNair, formerly under the employment of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, became rather disgruntled when relieved of her duties after cross-breeding your average garden variety rabbit with a rabid murtlap. Instead of crustaceans, the appetites of these newly carnivorous bunnies includes, but is not limited to, human flesh.
Sally was reported to have said, “I only released two, but I suppose you know about bunnies and how quickly they multiply, I’ll take credit for the first two, the rest is all on everyone else for providing such a romantic atmosphere.”
In the midst of latest fall issue of Diagon’s Bazaar, the debut of various collections and the sudden surge in controversial trends have caused an uproar in the socially-conscious wizarding population. Various organizations such as Wizards for Beast Rights have banded together to not only boycott any and all sales of the offending products, but to also hurl accusations left and right. Coupled with bamboozling numbers and suspect facts, their loud complaints have been a source for bad publicity for the wizarding world’s most famous designers.
Picture this: a flock of peaceful demiguises, bred and hunted for their highly coveted pelts. These endearing little animals live in the East Asian wilderness and are known for their innate ability to turn invisible. It is their hair that enables them to simply disappear from sight.
The Fur vs. Faux debate has lasted for decades with no resolution, and it has been taken to a new level as many witches and wizards have been considering the poaching of these beasts for their hair. For years, demiguise hairs have been used in the making of high quality invisibility cloaks, but it no longer stops there. As the latest trends have gathered momentum, the wealthy have taken to a new style of prêt-a-porter: woven in with the cloth is the invisible hair, creating elaborate and abstract patterns that are a source of wonder, awe, and confusion. Right now, it is cool to strut about head-to-toe in Sior, partially invisible to the rest of the world.
But what is the cost? The safety and welfare of these creatures are at stake, and the reputations of labels and designers at stake as activists dedicate themselves to being a pain in the rear. Are these designers guilty of one of the most heinous crimes imaginable to man? Are they the next Dolores Umbridges of the world, letting poor, defenseless magical creatures suffer in the name of fashion?
On the other hand, could it be just another high price of fashion? Can we trust the whims of the masses to put a stop to this trend, one and for all? We will have to see.
By Talia Ayers
Students are encouraged to dress warmly even in costume, as temperatures hover around 5C/41F. Also: avoid the unused classroom, which temporarily has been taken over by spiderwebs due to some overzealous Halloween fans.
The Accidental Magical Reversal Squad were called to a flat in Birmingham on Tuesday after a young boy inadvertently prompted the cutlery to perform Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 23. 16 Muggles had their memories of the event wiped. The young wizard in question—a Mr. Andrew Vane—was enjoying his eighth birthday party at the time.
The Wizarding World is suffering its latest bought of the Accio Flu. Make sure to wash your hands after every meal and toss two pinches of newt's lung behind your back before leaving the house to avoid infection. When sneezing, the Accio Flu will summon and permanently attach any foreign objects to your person — and sometimes, foreign persons to your person, as well. Stay Healthy.
Clarice Merriden, lead guitarist for The Custard Tarts, has revealed details of a new side project called The Screaming Banshees. The Isle of Man native announced the news at her recent Diagon Alley signing and revealed that fans could expect an album in 2031.
My crops are growing fine, thank you. If he can afford enough aurors to have one attack an eleven-year-old (while D.E.s are running loose!) then money isn't the problem when trying to send someone to Hogsmeade/Hogwarts.