Furby Related Crime On the Rise:
It started with one.
Any hufflepuff will tell you that Satan is no joke. The mechanical, yet enchanted, muggle toy left behind by former Hufflepuff prefect @Rosie Roux has been haunting the badger common room for years thanks to @Professor Gawkrodger. However, since sorting week and a game of Hangpuff gone wrong held by @Ethan Smith there seems to be a large number of reported sightings of the tiny - possibly evil - knockoffs being spotted around the castle. Leading to furby fights, deconstructions and all around disruptions of all sorts. If spotted, these toys should be considered magical and dangerous. APPROACH WITH CAUTION.
As details of the full extent of the damages to Beauxbatons by last night’s fire become available, witches and wizards across the continent and here in the UK wonder: what does this mean for us? Beauxbatons Academy of Magic was set to host the Triwizard Tournament this year, where students from the three prominent magical schools engage in friendly competition and international networking.
However, with the French arena charred beyond recognition, will the tradition continue? Rumors of the games’ cancellation have already reached the Prophet.
The inter-school competition was last hosted ten years ago at Durmstrang Institute, after being held locally at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in three successive tournaments. Representatives from the British and Eastern Europe Ministries of Magic decline to comment on whether the tournament will be relocated or canceled out of deference to the traumatizing damage of the attack. Sources say Durmstrang is heavily campaigning to relocate the tournament to Scandinavia. At the time of printing, no official information has been released, but the Prophet will keep readers apprised of any updates.
Just days before Beauxbatons Academy of Magic was due to welcome back its students, they face a tragic loss. While the palace remains intact, the grounds of Beauxbatons have been devastated by what local officials are calling an act of arson. The alleged perpetrator, a Veela and mother of a former student, is in the custody of French officials.
As the authorities investigate, the French press has already begun to speculate about the Veela’s motive. According to school records obtained by Le Monde Magique, the daughter of the alleged arsonist was expelled from Beauxbatons last term for allegedly using Veela magicks in a final examination.
Could this be the cause of the Veela mother’s fiery rage? Was the student’s expulsion justified or an example of part-human discrimination? Send a Feedback Floo-me with your comments and opinions.
Although the wizarding world has seen its fair share of ups and downs over the past twenty-five years, there has been a constant through it all: The Auror Department budget.
Twenty-five years ago, a string of disappearances rocked the wizarding community, and immense pressure was put on the Auror department by the Minister of Magic to put an end to these crimes and catch the culprits responsible for the kidnappings of distinguished wizards; pressure from the very same Minister of Magic who had announced budget cuts earlier that month.
Harry Potter once commented that he felt as though ‘his hands were tied’ in regards to his ranks being spread so thin. “I wish I had enough Aurors to patrol Hogsmeade and Hogwarts, but it’s just not within the budget,” he'd said.
Well, it looks like his prayers have been answered over two decades later. The Auror department has received a budget increase as announced by the Ministry this month, allowing Potter to hire and train new Aurors, with the purpose of protecting our community more than ever before. This will certainly help as they continue tracking down any of the remaining Death Eaters known to have escaped from the Battle of Hogsmeade and the infiltration of Hogwarts just over two years ago. The group is rumored to have been disbanded, but experts are certain there are stragglers out there biding their time, and Potter's regime will be ready.
There has also been buzz about the Auror Office's revamping of the Werewolf Capture Unit. This unit, tasked with the capture of werewolves deemed to be a threat, has always been handled by the Beast Division (and dreadfully under-funded in the past), however, Beast Division Head, Casseus Cronus, is said to have been approached by Potter weeks ago for his cooperation in bulking the ranks and up-training its current members with Auror specialization. It is unknown whether this is an attempt to calm the thousands of witches and wizards who still owl in about their anger surrounding the catastrophe at Hogwarts with the Ward family, but some believe it is a necessity regardless. Neither Cronus or Potter were able to be reached for comment.
No matter the reason, the Ministry of Magic cannot put the public safety at risk any longer. More patrols have been promised to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and the neighboring villiage, Hogsmeade. Godric’s Hollow and other wizarding villages should also see an increase in undercover patrols. The general budget for the rest of the Magical Law Enforcement departments remain unchanged for now.
Crystal Fountain Park, a typically peaceful and safe place for wizard children to play and socialize, was the scene of a potentially dark crime this week. An illegal portkey with a foreign destination was dropped for the park's children to find. No less than nine young children were soon ripped from safety through the portkey. The two men involved were taken into custody and interrogated by the Auror Department, then later released with fines close to 1000 galleons and orders for community service.
"I caught wind of it and took action as fast as I could," said Auror Richard Fowler, who was first to the scene and made the arrests with ease as the perpetrators seemed to freeze under his icy glare. "I can't stand [people] who mess with kids, they won't get far as long as I'm around. They would still be rotting in there if it were up to me."
Richard Fowler, whose demeanor is as cool as his mustache, has been on the special force for 30+ years, and takes his job very seriously -- as one would expect an Auror to do. We asked his opinions on suggestions that the Auror Office only rushed to the scene when they heard Potter's family was one of the children involved:
"It doesn't matter the name," he responded with irritation. He hadn't heard the reports as they were told through the Wizarding Wireless that day, but he didn't seem pleased as some of the misleading reports were quoted out loud. "Whether you're some Golden Potter or John Muggle, my job is to uphold the law and protect the people and that's what I did. That's what I do. Anyone who says otherwise can [redacted]."
The Daily Prophet is happy to report that this story turned out well and that children of all backgrounds are safe. Our hero came to the rescue, and we can only hope this means good news in the future. Read on for news on the Auror Department's budget increase.
We've just gotten word that one of the kidnapped children is in fact Avery Potter, Harry Potter's granddaughter. We have no doubt that the Auror Office will be involved in settling this undoubtedly poorly planned abduction.
An anonymous tip from a concerned citizen has informed us at the Wizarding Wireless Network that a possible kidnapping via illegal portkey has occurred on the grounds of Crystal Fountain Park. Witnesses report an adult and possible accomplice lured multiple children in with an unknown but irresistible enchanted object. It is not yet known where the children were taken or who the culprits are connected to, but reports indicate the Department of Magical Transportation has been notified at this time. We will continue to report as this story unfolds.
As we enter the second term of this school year, I figured that we should get to know our new Head of House, Professor Qin. Most students know her as the Care of Magical Creatures Professor, but if you are a first or second year you might only know her as a Hufflepuff House Professor. This year, our interim headmaster, Headmaster Gawkrodger, decided to step down as HoH. It might have been to much for him - teaching students wrong stuff about muggles and being Headmaster at the same time. Professor Qin was picked as his replacement.
Sitting down with the new Head of House, I decided that it was time that we got to know her a little better. I asked her about how she felt about getting the Head of House position. Qin replied, “Honestly? Surprised. I never thought that the Headmaster would pick me as his replacement, considering the number of times we’ve disagreed on handling certain issues.” Do you wonder what those issues might be? I am a little curious myself. She later added on, “I am resolved to keep the Hufflepuff spirit burning strong while improving how our house operates at the same time.” You would think that the Headmaster Gawkrodger had given her some advice, but when I asked about that, she simply said,“Have you met him?” I have, and she is right.
I asked Professor Qin what was the first thing she did when she got the news. She told me that she checked her mug to see if some mischievous student had gotten to it. She was probably thinking it was @Cordelia Waldegrave.
When asked about her priorities for the house, Qin replied. “Maybe curb that cookie obsession…” Shouldn’t there be something else? Cookies are good and make a Hufflepuff a Hufflepuff.
I wanted to know if she believed that her creature caretaking skills will help her in her new position. She told me this: “Controlling children is very much like controlling creatures.” She HAS met some of the students at Hogwarts, hasn’t she?
What about five years from now? Apparently, she has the goal of being able to contribute more to the magizoologist community. As for the Hufflepuff house, this was what she had to say: “I think I’ll be content if it is still standing somehow.” Does she not have faith in us? (This might have to do something with the Cordy Corner, which she didn’t comment much on.)
Now all interviews should be fun, but when asked if she could be any creature, she said it was a secret. She does know animal jokes... but what about you guys? Answer this joke.
What do you call a badger with a carrot in each ear?
Also, Hufflepuffs... you don’t have to worry, Professor Qin doesn’t have any favorites.
VH36 | Burrow Times Editor
Please forgive my prolonged absence, I needed a bit of time to emotionally recover from the past two years of History of Magic with Professor Bourdelle and her possessed dolls. If you're a sixth year just be grateful you're halfway through the year and you have Grimsby and his fabulous mustache back next year. In the mean time for the current second and third years, I've prepped a little survival guide to get you through your next term safety. And as for the first years, pay attention, you're about to fight for your life for two years.
Always have a weapon. Be it a really sharp stick or in my case a blow torch, you never know when one of her evil dolls will pop out of no where and you need to be ready to stab. I recommend going for the eyes.
Constant vigilance. Never let the boring subject matter distract you. Bourdelle loves to lure her victims students into a false sense of security. Under no circumstances should you fall asleep that means you @Desmond Potter! And you wonder why you keep getting attacked by your grandpa.
Find someone slower than you. Yup that's right. Find a friend you can out run. The dolls will feast on the first person they can get their grubby doll hands on, giving you plenty of time to get to safety.
Don't be afraid to throw and elbow. Or trip someone to aid your escape.
Don't touch anything. Only touch your stuff. Heck if you're coordinated enough, to take notes while standing do that instead of sitting.
Learn to fake sneeze. It's the easiest way to get out of a portkey at the last second with minimal detention. Nothing good happens on a fieldtrip that Professor Bourdelle planned. Trust me.
Do not provoke Bourdelle. I learned this lesson the hard way. If Bourdelle shrinks you to goblin size or turns you into a canary, do not retaliate. She will give you detention and purposely give one of her dolls bat bogeys and lock you in a room with it.
Always wear a mustache. Mustaches are cool and they will annoy Bourdelle, so it's a win-win.
Find a shield. Whether you "borrow" one from a suit of armor in the castle or MacGyver one yourself, it's the fastest way to protect yourself and possibly put @Dove Lightwood in danger. Heck buy some safety googles and kneepads why you're add it that way you can be safe, and attend my Introduction to Welding class.
Try not to complain too much about how Grimsby is superior. Yes, I know it's a known fact, but voicing this will mean you are violating Tip 7. Support Grimsby in her class at your own risk. His mustache might be magical but it can't heal the emotional scaring that is being shrunken to goblin size.
How Not To Die Columnist | VH36
A secretive private rehabilitation facility in rural Cumbria has shocked humans and non-humans alike by revealing its purpose is the rehabilitation of part-vampires to function as human in the magical community.
Vasile Petrescu, founder of the Petrescu Rehabilitation Centre, appeared on the wireless this week announcing the first graduates of his year-long programme. Petrescu stated his aim was "to allow part-vampires to disengage from the vampire community and rise above their baser instincts to fully integrate into human society." He claims his three graduates, whose names he has withheld, are now indistinguishable from humans, and that by this time next year at least ten part-vampires will have completed his treatment.
Part-vampire advocacy group B.L.O.O.D. released a short statement in response to the news. "B.L.O.O.D. is unsuprised by Vasile Petrescu's bigotry, but we are surprised and disappointed that multiple part-vampires have felt isolated and unsupported to the point of paying a large sum of money to have an integral part of their identity erased. Both the human and vampire communities have failed these people and driven them into the arms of a predatory fraud."
"All my patients come to me of their own volition," responded Petrescu in an exclusive comment to The Daily Prophet. "I provide a service which cannot be found anywhere else, and as long as there are part-vampires looking for a positive change in their lives, I will provide it."
Staff at the Berkshire Magical Wildlife Sanctuary are pleased to announce their newest arrival, born just moments after sunrise on New Year's Day. Winky, the eldest and certainly proudest female unicorn on the grounds, has given birth to a gorgeous silver-haired foal weighing in at a whopping 116 kg. The foal's name was chosen through a public poll released last May, granting this unicorn baby the name of Starfire Glitterbelly (with Unicorn McUnicornface coming in close second and Dude-icorn taking third place). Berkshire states that further name choices will be made internally, but are thrilled with the amount of participation the poll received.
Sources from the highly respected free roam reserve say the birth was a beautiful sight, made all the better by a bright rainbow hovering overhead throughout the event. Also joining Starfire's debut were his six young canine siblings, who ran and played happily beside the foal as he took a step for the first time. Staff explains that the puppies suddenly appeared on the grounds weeks ago and began following Winky around as if she were their caretaker. Winky soon began returning their nuzzles and the odd family has been inseparable ever since.
Berkshire invites everyone to pay a visit to see Winky, Starfire, and the puppies this weekend, and encourages all to bring a galleon or two for donation! Sources say it'll be worth it, and collectively go, "Aww!"
Apparently, some scary stuff happened in the castle a few months ago. I really don’t remember because Gawkrodger turned me into a turtle, but he turned me into a turtle with a blowtorch strapped to her back, so that was fun.
Anyways, it seems all of you learned nothing last year and need a refresher of how not to die at Hogwarts, so here are my top ten tips to not die in a Death Eater attack.
Zig-zag. Don’t run in a straight line when a Death Eater is chasing you. Keep it random and stay alive. (Don’t pull a Rickon Stark)
Always carry a blowtorch. If there is one thing Death Eaters hate it’s fire*, so when the death eaters come calling, set them on fire or at least weld those silly little masks into a unicorn or something.
Find someone you don’t like and trip them. I mean you could really trip anyone, but see if you can locate someone you don’t like first, like Dove Lightwood for instance.**
Find a really good hiding place and hide. This requires some legwork, but if you put in the effort, you too could hide in the Henry VII type suite of armor located on the fifth floor corridor two doors down from the Transfiguration classroom. Wait a minute
When in doubt slugs are you friends. Not only will turning a Death Eater into a slug factory be hilarious, but if they don’t murder you. But also the slime will slow them down.
Hide behind Kimber. Well, I get to do this. Y'all have to find your own Kimber equivalent. NO STEALING MY KIMBER!! Just find someone with fancy spells and use them as a human shield.
I’ll admit I didn’t know this until the castle was being attacked, but find Professor Gawkrodger and have him transfigure you into a turtle. No one would ever suspect a poor, innocent turtle.
If you can’t make it to your top secret hiding place, try a place that no one would ever go to even if their life depended on it, like the History of Magic classroom or Professor Knaggs’ office. You’ll be safe there for years.
I know this might sound like a contradiction since I wrote a whole article about killer trees last year, but go to that Whomping Willow thing and bob and weave while your attacker gets walloped.
This one takes a lot of preparation, but find a corner somewhere in the castle, commandeer it, fill it with super weird and scary stuff and you’ll have an instant Death Eater repellent.
So, there you go, now stop making me right this article, just stay alive. AH AH AH STAYING ALIVEEEEEE!
*There is no evidence supporting this fact.
**Yeah, don’t do this.
***Stealing Cordelia’s Kimber could lead to being turning into a slug and/or being set on fire, accidentally of course.
How Not To Die Columnist | VH34
Are you duelled out? Are you worrying about upcoming examinations? Or are you just in need of a tea time pick-me-up? Then I have just the perfect treat for you to devour. In dedication to our very own Sophie Downes – triple chocolate chip cookies with chocolate sprinkles.
It’s a pretty easy recipe once you take a look. To make a batch of 15 snacks you will need the following: -
200g softened butter
300g soft brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
300g self raising flour
80g cocoa powder
1 tsp baking powder
300g chocolate chips
a jar of chocolate sprinkles
All these ingredients can be located in the Hogwarts kitchens. If you can’t find what you need you can always ask the house elves. If you don’t know where the kitchens are located ask the nearest first year. Once you have all your ingredients we are going to preheat the oven to 180 c [various temperatures depending on the oven].
Cream the butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
Beat in the vanilla extract and the eggs – no egg shells please [no one likes an egg crunchy cookie].
In a separate bowl sift flour, cocoa and baking powered together
Add the flour to the creamed mix in stages. Mix well, and fold in the chocolate chips.
Spoon a tablespoon of the mixture onto a baking tray and repeat until you have used up all the cookie mixture. [or the mixture you have left after eating it].
Bake for 12 minutes.
Once ready, place on a cooling rack. After taking out of the oven, use the chocolate sprinkles on top of the cookie, so they set in place whilst the cookie cools down.
EAT ALL THE COOKIES.
If there are any left, then send some in my direction.
Food Columnist | VH34
In a statement to the press on Tuesday, Ministry officials have urged citizens to do their civic duty and report any hint of black market wand dealing or fake wand selling to the authorities.
"The Department of Magical Law Enforcement encourages anyone to come forth with any information regarding the illegal distribution of wands and the creation and selling of counterfeit wands as this can pose a danger to those involved. We advise those who are intending to make wand purchases to do so through trusted sources only. Do not attempt to acquire wands from unofficial dealers, and report any who attempt to sell to you to the authorities immediately. Those who are found to be distributing wands which have been illegally obtained and/or created and sold in a purposefully misleading manner will face criminal charges."
This statement comes at the tail end of reports on the recent break-in at Ollivander's in Diagon Alley which is still reported to be closed to the public pending investigation. It is rumored that there have been countless tips passed on to the Ministry from all over the country, however no arrests have been made as of yet. Further investigations are sure to follow as magical law enforcement prepares to take allegations seriously.
Reports are pouring in from dozens of sources in the early hours of Sunday morning that Ollivander's, beloved wand shop of Diagon Alley, has been vandalised and an unknown amount of wands have been taken from the premises.
"The doors and windows was busted up to oblivion," said Callus Mordain of Knockturn Alley, who caught sight of the aftermath on his early morning stroll. "Things was on fire and broken and it looked like a lotta shelves was empty. I didn't take no wands, though, I promise you that!"
It is unclear as of yet the extent of the damage or how much inventory was stolen, however this would not be the first time the shop, open since 382 BC, has been the target of such a heinous crime. "The complexity of skilled wandmaking has always been the root of envy in the wizarding world. People are most often lured in by the high quality merchandise and galleons that a wand shop like Ollivander's produces," says celebrity wand expert, Katta Katternova, host of The Next Great Wandmaker. "I wouldn't be surprised if it was some lowly no-named thieves just looking to turn a profit."
We reached out to the shop's current owner, Agatha Ollivander, who requested only privacy during this time. Ollivander's is closed to the public temporarily as they asses the damage, although they are still taking orders by owl.
Any information regarding the witches or wizards responsible for this crime can be reported to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Rewards of up to 100 galleons have been offered for helpful tips in this case.
The opening of the first Wizards First Trust branch in London this month has incited new controversy in the ongoing debate about its stated intent to employ exclusively human staff.
Spokesperson for Wizards First Trust, Reginald Kneen, has described the new entrant to the banking sector as "the first and only truly viable alternative for customers who value selectivity and discretion when it comes to who handles their finances, and want to work with a face they can trust."
"WizFirst is committed to providing genuine competition in banking and consumer finance, which can only improve the customer experience across the board," Kneen says. Critics maintain that the organisation is capitalising on fear and discrimination to market their services and to diminish the role of goblins in mainstream wizarding society. Representatives of the bank declined to comment on whether part- or non-humans are able to open accounts.
In spite of the business' contentious reputation, WizFirst reported exceeding its expectations for new accounts in its first month, and has already begun planning to expand into Europe.
Good Day Hufflepuffs! Once again I have rated another one of the professors that roam the halls of Hogwarts. This time I had asked for everyone to place a vote, and the winner was…. Drum roll….. Professor Mendelssohn. Many of you all know her as the Herbology Professor. She is one that will teach you all about the plants, the ones that are important, ones that can hurt you, or even ones that are plain boring. If one truly looks at Professor Mendelssohn with the eyes that are not of a student just wanting to learn about Herbology, you might see someone that is bitter and also maybe a little lonely. She might just need someone in her life to make her a little bit happier.
Just like last time, I went around asking other students what they thought of her. Almost everyone that I asked had someone positive to say about her, which was better than the last professor that I had rated. Here are a few quotes from some students around the castle.
Selena Watkins said, “She’s actually good as a professor, teaching useful things and still makes things fun for kids. Can be very sarcastic though.”
Rowan Allard said, “On the outside: an angry young woman. On the inside: a slightly less angry young woman just dying for some chocolate chip cookies.”
Siobhan Arden said, “Professor Mendelssohn is strict but I think she has a heart of gold and she teaches, like, my fave subject so she obviously gets 10 stars.”
Iseult Pryce said, ” She lets me play in dirt.”
Desmond Tonks said, “I would rate Mendelssohn a 7 or 8 because, unlike SOME other professor I could mention, treats her job seriously. I did not give her a full 10 because she also seems to have a penchant for sending students into some sort of plant-related danger. It keeps things exciting but surely we can leave that to the evildoers of the wizarding world.”
It seems that many students like her as she does her job, which is something that a professor is supposed to be doing, and some like her because she allows them to play in the dirt. This could be fun for some people, unless you don’t like getting dirty. Overall, she gets a 8.5 from me. While she knows the information she is teaching, some things shouldn’t be in a classroom.
Keep a look out for the next issue of Rate my Professor. If you have a professor in mind, let me know.
Rate My Professor Columnist | VH35
As the old saying goes, the early professor gets the potion.
At least that’s what students arriving to breakfast last week discovered when it appears a de-aging potion had been slipped into several of the professors goblets before sunrise and what can only be described as utter chaos broke loose.
Yours truly was there to see it unfold in real time as several of the second year class had assembled for a, definitely not suspicious, early morning study session that day. In total, ten professors saw a return to their teenage years, complete with a return of uncontrollable emotions, clearly, as several students fell victim to personal attacks from a teenage version of Professor Carter. There were shrunken heads abound and students hung from chandeliers in the Great Hall by the time the potions effects had fully set into place. I myself also felt the wrath of Professor James (Before she was carted out of the great hall by a shrinking Hero Althaus) and Professor Carter with fire and worms respectively.
That’s what you get for going after the action I suppose - take note kids. It’s dangerous in the field.
But, attacking students at will wasn’t the only thing on the moody professors to-do lists. They seemed to take advantage of their new found youth by running renegade around the castle. Breaking into offices, slinking off to the forest, and even hiding out in the staff lounge - granted would be a normal place for a professor if they weren’t in the current mental state of a fifteen year old.
As disturbing as it is to hear your favorite dance machine professor screeching “YOLO!” As he runs from breakfast with his fist in the air all signs point to the epic prank being a major success because this second year surely has no idea who could be to blame, but if I get any leads I will follow them to any lengths.
Until next time,
Hogwarts Happenings Columnist | VH35
P. S. Any students with any information regarding the this incident should report directly to Professor Foster in the Defense Offices on the Second floor.
((Special Thank You to Professors : Carter, Althaus, Narsinghani, Hambeldon, Foster, James, Mendelssohn, & Fjord; Headmaster Gawkrodger, Miss Huntington & Mr. Hextor for taking a sip and playing along))
This is an urgent message from your Ministry health department. Chocolate frogs, manufactured and purchased in the last two weeks, are on recall. No individuals should consume these chocolate frogs due to a small batch being tainted by WonderWitch Love Potions. A Dustin Tieber superfan is in custody for contaminating the chocolate frogs in efforts to revive the singer’s popularity. Mr. Tieber’s agent did not respond to inquiries.
B.L.O.O.D. has registered as a nonprofit group with the Wizengamot Administration Services. While werewolves, veelas, giants, and goblins have historically been well-represented in the Wizarding world's nonprofit sector, part-vampires have not historically enjoyed the same representation. According to B.L.O.O.D.'s founder, Amorentia Bloodfang, it was important to bring attention to the unique challenges that are faced by part-vampires, such as the fact that they do not have the same magical powers as other part-humans, locking them out of all wizarding schools and many of the jobs that require an education from schools like Hogwarts.
However, outspoken pureblood activists Michael and Insley Jacobin have raised concerns over a nonprofit group forming to protect part-vampire rights. "What if they want to be allowed into Hogwarts even though they do not have magical abilities?" they asked when reached for comment. The Jacobins have lobbied against the creation of the group, stressing that they believe that part-vampires are not a big enough group to need their own nonprofit, and that they are too far removed from mainstream magical society to deserve this privilege.
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My crops are growing fine, thank you. If he can afford enough aurors to have one attack an eleven-year-old (while D.E.s are running loose!) then money isn't the problem when trying to send someone to Hogsmeade/Hogwarts.